February, 2012

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2/6/12 - Title: "King God"

A giant gorilla-like and also dinosaur-like creature (like a blend of King Kong and Godzilla), but from outer space, I think. Trying to understand our ways. He and I can't communicate in words. Mostly, he just doesn't get it. Yet, when I'm in trouble from some dumb Earth giant monsters (in an area like a small neighborhood rock quarry), he comes to my rescue with brute force.

2/8/12 - Title: "Hope"

Three men. Two men or all three (unclear) have been arguing irreconcilably. A third is speaking in a stilted, formal, pedantic way to the other two, saying... (something)... and then: "... and I will say to you: to me, we're still in diploma (diplomacy or diplomatic talks)." His meaning is understood in the dream to be that if we are as yet talking, then, no matter how bleak the outlook seems, there is hope for a resolution of differences.

2/13/12 - Title: "Intruders Breach My Defenses"

Scene 1 - I am in my backyard about to do work (sawing a fallen limb, I think), for which I have a hand saw and another tool.

I hear a commotion, look that way, and am alarmed to see a baby or toddler, about 2-3 years old - who looks like a blend of Dwight and Jerry - already in my yard, having come under the fence through a hole that's been dug under it, and his dad, Hank, our neighbor on that side (to the right from our back deck), halfway through the hole and trying to get hold of Dwight/Jerry and pull him back through the hole. Jerry seems to think it is a game and is laughing, enjoying himself. Hank does not take the matter seriously either.

Scene 2 - I have gone over to the fence to confront our intruders who, however, by now are back on their side of the fence, Dwight/Jerry now up in his father's arms and both of them looking over the fence (lower than our actual fence, so we can all easily look over it) at me. I am frustrated, angry, and anxious about the situation but do not see how to keep the child from coming through the hole again (and again). I resort to telling Dwight/Jerry it is dangerous to come into our yard that way, that if neither his dad nor I were outside he might get caught in my backyard. I can tell, though, this lecture to him is rather lame and that, if he even understands it, Dwight/Jerry is not convinced.

Scene 3 - I go back to the work I was going to do, sawing a dead limb in two (each piece about 2-3 feet long), and begin to get it untangled from some vines or other growth connected around one end of it.

Scene 4 - Still thinking about the intruders, I realize I can at least temporarily fix the situation by filling in the hole under the fence, driving some stakes into the ground there, and piling heavy rocks on top of the filled-in dirt. I decide to go ahead and do this.

[Dwight - The 2-3 year old son (and first child, as I was) of my nephew, Chris, and his wife, Helen. They all live now in Las Vegas. Dwight is a generally bright, happy, playful, curious, active boy who gets along well with other kids, with adults, and also with pets. He is probably an extrovert.

Jerry - The now 4-5 year old son (and first child) of our nearest neighbors, Hank and Monica. I have known Jerry since he was an infant and noticed him a lot when he was age 2-3. Jerry is generally bright, happy, playful, curious, and active, but is much more shy than Dwight, probably an introvert.

Hank - Is likely in his 30s, a martial arts instructor with a karate black-belt. He is tall, outgoing, practical, seemingly a good father, yet is a little arrogant and too casual about others' property lines and rights, having reached over and cut back our vines, shrubs, or trees inside our yard, that is, on our side of the fence or property line, for awhile allowing his dogs to be loose and to routinely poop in our front yard, and putting his yard irrigation hose a few inches inside our yard. I am not comfortable with how I have dealt with these intrusions, having at times been overly reactive, more than was called for by the situation, at others not reactive enough.

My take on it: I think the external reality catalyst for this dream may be that my sponsor is asking me to have more in person contacts with Alanon men, like arranging to go out for coffee or a snack or otherwise to be engaging with, hanging out with a few of them on a one to one basis. I have anxieties about this and in fact have had no one to one friendships (as opposed to being a student, brother, son, employee, or counselee of other males) with men since my college days, and then only sporadically. I probably would not have developed one to one relationships even with women, with whom I am also not that comfortable at first, if not for the romantic attraction or having a few other interests in common.

Lately, then, I have somewhat awkwardly been asking a few men "out," feeling rather vulnerable and uncomfortable in the process. Have actually met with two men twice this way, but neither seem very or at all interested in a repeat. I asked another two men recently for suggestions about folks who got together for supper before the Tuesday night Alanon men's group meeting, as a way of meeting and getting to know better a few, so meeting some of them one on one might later come more naturally.

One of them suggested instead that he and I meet for a few minutes right after the next men's group meeting we'll both be attending. Another mentioned a reason he cannot get together with me tomorrow (Valentine's Day) but seemed receptive to our getting together later, perhaps with one or two others, before the men's group meeting.

All four of these people are fellows whom I have known more distantly for several months or more, and I am relatively at ease with all of them, when occasionally on the phone with them or seeing them casually in group settings. Yet I am very shy about the current effort, to spend even a few minutes with them one on one.

So, whether the dream is about all that or has a more internal and metaphorical meaning, I do believe it has something to do with the shyness vs. being more social split and feeling that I am more vulnerable (less protected by my usual de-fences).

The repetition of 2-3 probably indicates dawning awareness and transformation.

Interestingly, my Alanon work began 2-3 years ago. And the last incident of reacting to my neighbor's intrusions occurred around 2-3 years ago.

Work in the backyard likely indicates some work on shadow issues.

I suppose the child represents growing doing energy.

My friend Janet's take on the dream was a little different. She said:

"So you're in your unconscious doing some work. Trees are about family history or limbs could be extensions of yourself-which you saw, you have a tool to see that part of yourself."

"So there is this new part of yourself that is curious, active, playful, etc., all those things. And I think you're beginning to recognize this part of yourself and it is also about transformation. This part of yourself has crossed a boundary and is now in your unconscious enjoying himself. Your shadow part that doesn't always observe boundaries is trying to pull him back but this new part of yourself doesn't take that too seriously."

"You are frustrated that this part of yourself is coming over to your side of the fence, so to speak, but that is clearly going to happen again."

"You explain that this could be dangerous if this curious part of yourself were actually closer to yourself, albeit your unconscious."

"However you're not convincing."

"You go back to sawing, recognizing this dead part of you needs to go, and some other growth is connected to this."

"So you think you can fix the problem by blocking the opening, so to speak."

"I have to say I'm laughing as I'm doing this dream. Here's what I think the bottom line is:

You have this wonderful new potential of curiosity, activity, playfulness, etc., but your ego judges this as dangerous. This shadow part of you is not impressed with your ego and may be stopped for a time but, looking at this dream, he's going to reappear, and I think that's a really good thing. It's in getting rid of this dead part of you that, I think, opens up the hole for this curious part of you to come through. I'd let him in :))) "]

2/20/12 - Title: "Alone With My Yuck"

Scene one - My toiled (toilet) is badly stopped up. Someone sees it that way, assumes I have no plunger to unstop it and goes, along with someone else, to look for the plunger. I recall I'd already tried to use it. It's on the floor in the left corner near the toilet. It looks wet and cruddy with toilet bowl waste. I try it again. Water splashes out and onto my legs. The toilet comes partly unstopped. The main thing blocking it floats up, a dead fetus, about 6-8 inches long. It has a strained looking "grin," as though in pain when it died. I am alarmed and disgusted.

Scene two - I'm in my bedroom (not my actual bedroom), in bed, but feel sick. I throw up on the floor. It splatters over a wide space. Someone else in the big house is already up and fixing breakfast, downstairs, and hollers up: "Can you get by over there?" (Meaning, am I able to clean up my own mess, because she is busy right now.) I holler back that I can. Still nauseous, am feeling sorry I must clean it up by myself.

2/23/12 - Title: "Luxuriant Life with Limitations"

Scene one - I'm in a one-story house or apartment with my paraplegic brother, Ralph (actually, he was then - after surgery for an aggressive brain tumor - mostly wheelchair-bound, but not paraplegic). I'm helping him with activities of daily living, though unsure of myself in this role. We have nonetheless (despite my anxiety), a good rapport and companionship. He's mostly in good spirits, despite his disability. Still, behind his brave cheerfulness there must be a lot of fear and grief.

Scene two - I am at times living in a large two-story house with my wife or companion (not my real wife) who is also my physician. I have my own different house, but this is hers, and I am here more than at my own. An old college friend, Ricky, comes for a visit, and I'm showing him around her (our) place. At one point, I tell him that she has her practice in an office downtown but keeps enough instruments here to do my annual physical exams in this house.

From a 2nd floor window, I show him how thick the foliage is (trees, vines, and other growth, almost like a jungle, dark beneath its canopy), so it keeps the place a lot shadier and cooler than otherwise (on the western side of her house where, otherwise, it is very sunny and warm outside). The doctor is not emotional, more a thinker, and keeps to herself a lot in one room of the place. Usually, it is just the two of us in this big place. The area is flat, dry, and spacious, and there is a lot of open land as part of her place, at least ten acres, maybe twenty or more.

[Ralph - highly intelligent, more a thinker than a feeler (INTJ on the Myers-Briggs vs. my INFJ), musical, a natural leader, a good father, insecure about his own worth

Ricky - smart, religious (protestant, Christian), came from a dysfunctional, father-dominated family, more outgoing than I, a drinking buddy, probably a good father (married after I'd known him and after he'd moved away - sent photos of his family)]

2/24/12 - Title: "Beauty in Dangerous Places"

Scene one - Inside a forest, in winter. Some areas are inaccessible, closed by the thickness of the forest, how close all the trees are. Snow all about, yet at most it is only several inches deep, even in the open areas. Beautiful white horses are here, smaller, maybe half regular horse size, and they are guardians that protect people, but they should not be here. It is not safe for them. People are irresponsible to come here with them or allow them to come here on their own. Sure enough, they are then gone or all but gone and are feared to have been mostly killed.

Scene two - I am in the forest in summer with a woman who is my daughter or my niece, Esther. A young man, strong, handsome, an American Indian, is here with his pet wolf or large dog. He is practicing his archery, skillfully shooting at trees with his bow and arrows. He and Elise are attracted to each other and get acquainted. Later, she returns to where I am. I tell her we should leave, that it is not safe for us here. She is reluctant and thinks there are no real dangers here for her, but we go.

[Esther is in her early twenties, smart, beautiful, a hard worker and also a "hard" partier, a self-starter, a bit of a rebel against parental or societal rules.]

2/29/12 - Title: "A Guy, A Geezer, and a Geyser"

I am standing at a urinal in a public restroom. The place is old, the maintenance probably not too good. An old geezer is standing at the urinal just to my left. There is a long row or bank of other urinals farther off to our left. I am not sure if I am still using the urinal or have finished and maybe pulled the handle to flush it, but suddenly a wall of water starts pouring out of the tiled wall from above my urinal and even also from above the old geezer's urinal. The wall is flimsy and crumbly and has no resistance to the large volume of water now pouring out of it in several places, the rushing water merging into a thick fountain. Shocked, the geezer turns toward me with alarm on his face, evidently wondering what I have done to cause this.

[The dream group analyzed the above dream tonight and came up with these suggestions:

  • There is a lot of grief to be processed.

  • Also a lot of other emotions.

  • The urinals are about verbal expression.

  • Row suggests conflict.

  • The old geeser shadow energy is almost overwhelmed by and fearful of the onslaught of emotions which have been resisted and walled off.

  • It is time, however, for me to experience the previously horrific volume of emotion that has been pent up.

  • It can take the form of a fountain or of a water fall, the latter seeming too negative to be borne, the former ultimately uplifting, healing, positively transformative.

  • I can deal with an impasse with my brother Horace in a head-on collision way or in a "both... and... " way. It does not have to be either/or, win/lose. I can develop detachment. I can use Alanon tools. I can find ways to be supportive of him. I can show him genuine caring and respect, not undermine him.]

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