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April, 2007

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• The AM and PM dreams are related and are both about dominance, masculinity, father/son relationship, plus friendship and male bonding (or the lack thereof) concerns.

• There is a divide. On the one hand, I want to be manly and to have had my father proud of me. On the other, I definitely do not want to be like my father was. Yet he was my main model for what a father should be. So, instead of having a secure, masculine self-image, I vacillate back and forth between attraction to and repulsion from the picture of fatherhood he presented.

• Reacting against that image, I am as if on a constant scan to see any "evil" residue of father-likeness in myself, wanting to root it out and repress or destroy it at once if any is discovered. Although this actually makes me very unlike my father, it also makes me so sensitive and vulnerable to the slightest twinge or speck of father likeness that others can "smell" this hypersensitivity in me and can push my buttons or manipulate me using it, raising the "You are so like your father!" red herring card or flag in my presence when it suits their interests. I am susceptible because so inclined to believe the worst about this. A more extreme example of this that we discussed is my brother, Allen, who truly believes he is very much like our father, the abusive, egotistical, defensive, arrogant, aggressive, stubborn, argumentative, pedantic, and domineering ogre, although, in fact, he is almost a Casper Milk Toast who lets Nina, his wife, run all over him, for he never or hardly ever sets any limits for her, and she takes him for granted, uses him, etc. In my case, the same tendency is there, just not so pronounced. Based just on what they know of me and my dreams, the DG speculates that, IF anyone is taking advantage of the other in my marriage, it is more likely Frances.

• The DG stressed that they absolutely do not remotely see my father's negative traits in me and, in fact, see such aspects of my personality expressed much less than in the average person.

• The insecurity over such issues I have felt most all my life, plus having been an only child the first 8 years, and moving around about every year or so (from childhood through well into adulthood), have all contributed to my loneliness and to finding it hard to make or keep either friends or romantic involvements. They led not only to a protective but reclusive insulation and isolation but also to a lack of the skills needed for developing and sustaining a healthy social network.

• Insecure in my own maleness or even selfhood, I would feel the need to act a part when around others, to appear confident and "normal," though in fact I was feeling phony, at a big disadvantage, and that I could not simply be myself.

• The rough and tumble of a "free-for-all" game, whether literal or figurative, is one way males can safely relate and bond. Examples include everything from getting "falling down drunk" ("pissed") and into fisticuffs together, verbal sparring, wrestling or other contact sports, competing in finance or career, to even outright military conflict on a global scale, etc.

• The DG does not believe that, when I left TX and headed to CA in my early 20s, lest I kill my dad if I stayed around here, I would actually have killed him. However, they think it likely that, in the course of my experiments and quests for better ways to live and be, I killed off the part of myself that thought he had so few options he might have murdered his father.

• When older and younger people are interacting, particularly if the younger ones are still children, someone needs to be the adult, to assure things do not get too rough. So-called "adults" who cannot control their aggressive or abusive tendencies, especially when around children, are demonstrating their own immaturity.

• In my own growing up years, I had to become the adult too early, taking on a semi-protective role with my younger siblings, while my father apparently remained childish, fixated at a lower developmental level. This meant that I did not learn to deal with my own negative emotions with adaptive restraint, but simply would switch back and forth between feeling and/or expressing them too much or too little, lacking a "Goldilocks" emotional happy medium.

• It also meant I did not have sufficient opportunity to simply be a kid and play.

• The phrase in the first dream: "where I was, a basement" refers to one of the main ways I learned to cope with a tyrannical father: abasement. Even there in the first dream, which seems all about play with a half-grown (immature) bear that is like a dog (not really like gentle or pet dog, though), in fact it is "the real bear" that is dominating all aspects of the game and dream. I am having to submit to this situation, not control it myself. Indeed, even while it is the most "fun," there is always the danger it can at any moment get too rough, never for the bear, always for me.

• It is a significant coincidence that, with no conscious thought about it, I wore to the dream group a T-shirt that features pandas, for they are bear-like but in fact a very different kind of bear, exclusively vegetarian and in some ways not so potentially aggressive as most North American bears. Similarly, I too can incline toward more positive examples of "bear-ness."

• The DG feels I am sincere, intelligent, successful, and insightful or intuitive, but also quite reticent and hesitant. They encourage me, even at risk of being wrong and of saying inappropriate things in the DG meetings (and even if some in the DG are at times rather critical of what I come up with and spout off), to give more of my own feedback in response to others' issues and dreams.

• This last challenge is particularly difficult, since I am far more self-critical (than others are negative toward me) when my responses turn out to be inappropriate, especially if widely off the mark. This is so much the case that I become quite depressed over having said pretty gauche things to others in the group.

• The DG also encouraged me to even try out more "masculine" or "aggressive" attire or behaviors, etc. They suggested I could model such a new repertoire there, where it is relatively safe, since friends and relations may be more invested in my staying the same and so be harsher in their responses to experiments with different styles. They jokingly suggested I get a Harley motorcycle, start a new, "born to be wild" lifestyle, and begin wearing long, greasy hair, lots of leather, big black boots, and a red bandanna.

• In the glass is half-full category, they point out that my father (in contrast to one of the DG members' fathers, who sounds like he is or was a total loser) had actually provided several positive qualities to emulate: playful and charming (at least some of the time); thorough; musical (at least having a good voice, enjoying singing, and liking listening to good music or watching neat concerts); successful (at least on his terms); skeptical (which has its place, certainly); passionate; a marksman; decisive; competitive (which also can be a good thing); reliable; and curious.

• I already have many of these qualities, and the others I have do not make me other than manly. I am certainly not "feminine."

• Indeed, they stress that most of my dreams, and my own facility with interpreting them, show that, while I am as yet having trouble "owning" it, I already understand most of the lessons in my dreams and am in "dawning awareness," which can lead to, or even now represents, having it pretty well together.

• All in all, they are a little surprised only that I do not yet see how well I am doing. They suggest I am like a tall, world class basketball player who, nonetheless, is self-conscious about his height (around others who are more vertically challenged) and so has acquired an unnatural stoop, to be more the way he and others expect him to be. This stoop is actually somewhat disabling, besides looking weird and keeping him from simply being the star he could be. It takes more energy being a stooped-over tall person than merely enjoying the full extent of his dimensions. In a less sports oriented analogy, they said it is as though I am beginning to see the light, and indeed, that it has begun to shine on me, while many around are as yet in shadow, but that it is still so uncomfortable, shining in my eyes like that, that I am mostly keeping my eyes shut against it. But, really, all I have to do is open my eyes a little at a time, until I am used to the light.

• They said these issues and dreams go to the core of what is essential about me and my blocks, but that progress is being made. Perhaps I just have to live and to play out the dramas of my life a little longer for the solutions and positive transformations to be more manifest.

• The DG also touched on my 2/19/07 dream, of new pain in my right arm, thinking it was due to cancer, and that I would probably lose the arm. They pointed out that cancer could be a pun meaning "I can, sir!" another typically obedient, self-negating or abasement type response to my father, that I might have learned during my upbringing and still not be rid of. Since in my teens there had been many times when I wanted to fight my father and "knock his block off" and yet felt it necessary to restrain or even abase myself instead (though I did have many tempestuous confrontations with him, just not physical ones), the dream represented my own handicapping of myself, as if I would have to cut off my good right arm. Not insignificantly, there has for decades been extra tension, stress, and pain in my right wrist, arm, or shoulder areas, just as one would expect if I had been in a severe fisticuffs fight, with my dad or otherwise. It is also true that there is a deformity of my upper spine that makes me more susceptible to tension building up in my right upper extremeity and also that I seem to have inherited from my mom a vulnerability to tendonitis in the right hand/wrist area. However, the DG suggested the psychological and physiological, or even genetic, bases of the symptoms and dysfunction were intertwined, so that their origin could not be easily determined to be more one than another. They suggested too that a different orientation to things, identifying more with my father rather than my mother, for instance, or at least a resolution of my internal conflict over my relationship with Dad, might significantly lessen the musculoskeletal difficulties that mirrored that conflict. Am not sure how one would go about that, if they are right that correcting a too strong sympathy for Mom and against Dad would resolve my arm/shoulder problems, nor if I buy that argument, but it was an interesting idea.

4/3/07 - Title: "A Cool New Partial View, Right in Our Own Backyard"

I'm looking out from our deck toward the privacy fence between our place and a back neighbor's house. I notice there is a larger gap now than I've seen before, toward the top and between one portion of the fence and another, near the southwest corner of our property. What I see through that gap is surreal and makes no sense, so that I look again after checking to be sure I am really awake and not dreaming. Sure enough. There is something huge and slightly pink on the other side of the fence, and it keeps silently passing by that gap, as if there is a big screen over there and a silent movie of a huge animal is being shown on it. Whatever the creature is, it is so big that it takes awhile to go by, and I am sure I am only getting a hint of it. I guess the creature walking past must be an adult elephant or a dinosaur, though I can just see a portion of its hide, somewhere on its massive side or shoulder area (I almost said "somewhere on its trunk," but meaning the part of its body corresponding to a human trunk, and in the thoracic region). The fence is now higher than I had remembered it, so I cannot see any of the creature except what passes the gap. I am amazed, surprised, delighted, and thrilled. Who would ever have supposed that in our humdrum little suburb there might be a pink elephant (or even a dinosaur)!? And if what I'm seeing is actually a screen on which movies can somehow be projected right next to the back fence, that would be even more bizarre. Who knows what might be shown on such a screen!? It is frustrating to only be able to see a portion of either the animal or movie at a time, though this adds to the sense of mystery and to its magical aspect.

4/4/07 - Title: "The Bad, the Good, and the Not-So-Ugly"

Scene One: I'm first playing a neat video game and then just an index finger game, in which I point to something and say "There!" and it instantly disappears (video game) or else is now (understood to be) cancelled (as by a stamp canceling machine), dead, and gone (index finger game). Both games are highly satisfactory, and in both what are being zapped, canceled, or killed are all kinds of "baddies," the "blue meanies" of life, like the ever negative, self-critical internal voice or life's many little (metaphorical) nuisance ants and skeeters (mosquitoes), and other "stingers," that won't leave one alone. For extra emphasis and satisfaction, along with the index finger imaginary ray and zapper game, one can give the "baddies" the thumb, smashing each "bad stuff" thing with it, like a kid jamming his or her thumb down and twisting it on some "poor" sucking or stinging critter.

Scene Two: First I go to a playground and then just to a large room with lots of kids around. Each time, when the kids see me arrive, they smile broadly, cheer, and come racing over for a greeting and a hug, until we've all greeted and hugged. Then we just hang out together and have a great time. [Unrealistic as the dream would be in the U.S. (or for me) now, it was in fact sometimes the way things could be between my young brothers and sister and me. Later, I would sometimes have this kind of relationship too with my young nephews and nieces (about ages 2-9). It was also at times that way when I visited a spiritual community in India. If I would see children there, I would beam and raise my hands in the traditional "Radha Soami" greeting, and they would just come running from all directions, beaming too, and all shouting "Radha Soami!" back and forth with me. I felt terrific, like I had become this goodwill ambassador, a not-so-ugly American. "Radha Soami" means: "The Divine in me greets the Divine in you."]

4/5/07 - I met yesterday with the Wednesday night dream group. Along with others' dreams, we discussed my "The Bad, the Good, and the Not-So-Ugly" one (4/4/07). Here are the highlights:

• The dreams or scenes are obviously about removing bad stuff and adding good stuff, which process has already begun. The DG said they appreciated my sharing, but, as the meanings are so clear, there was no particular interpretation to mention.

• One person noted that other cultures or traditions also have short phrases that mean the same as "Radha Soami," i.e. the Lord in me greets the Lord in you (or some such).

• Another DG member noted that the second word in that greeting is usually (as more familiar in the West) spelled "Swami." I clarified that this had not actually been a typo or psychological misspelling, that it really is "Soami" in the spiritual tradition where I learned it. Nonetheless, he pointed out that in that spelling it could be a pun for "So am I," which might indicate a further linkage with the divine.

• I asked if the DG saw any negative connotations to the scenes, as I had not seen any, and was reassured that there "couldn't" be anything negative left, as I had zapped all the baddies! (This was delivered with enthusiasm and some humor, but also earnestly, the implication being that there definitely was nothing negative to be drawn from either scene.)

• The bottom line from all who responded was that the scenes are self-evident, extremely positive, and simply great!

• It was also significant, I was told, that in the first scene there is a video (game), as this shows that I "get the picture," understanding the dream's message.

• The second scene's greetings, among me and all the children, and then our hanging out together and having a great time, indicates further integration between my ego-self, my other or inner selves, our respective or combined "natural child (children)," and the divine (or the Highest Self) within.

4/7/07 - Title: "Women, Women Everywhere, and Not a Place to Pee"

The sun is shining brightly in areas partially open to the sky. Circular tiers of deck-like walkways, with public bunk bed rooms opening onto them, surround a large and open court type space, as in a prison or a ship with multiple levels or decks. I'm in a naval vessel, a female floor of a co-ed military dorm, a women's barracks, or on some other vertical series of floors or decks open in the center. I'm looking for a private place to pee. There are many public places, but all of them I find so far are in women's areas. I want privacy for both decorum and cleanliness. All the latrines I find are public, absolutely filthy, and exclusively in the women's areas. Shit and pee float in a several inches deep bilge-like mixture of standing water and waste through which one cannot help walking while trying to simply leave one level and get out or away to another where some privacy and cleanliness might still be found. I am the only man. Large numbers of young women are standing around. They are very casual, in various stages of dress and undress, in and out of khaki uniforms but most scantily clad. They are just chatting or going about leisurely business as I seek a clean privy. I go slowly to avoid as much as I can of the floating filth. This gives the women, seemingly used to or careless of the unsanitary conditions, more time to ogle me or me them. Several, close together in a crowded section through which I must pass to leave one deck, at first block my way. I slip between and among them, for balance placing a hand on the back of a woman who is leaning forward and away from me as I go by. She is wearing only a sheer slip or long blouse. My hand is moist, so that a few spots of liquid appear on the garment where I touch her. The moisture on my hand is just tap water, from having washed, but I am afraid she will think it is pee. Still, I go on. Behind me, I overhear her casually complaining to another woman that I had touched her and made her wet. Yet, rather than having a grievance, it is as though she is pleased.

4/8/07 - Title: "My Father's Last Visit - Take Two"

My father and a live-in girlfriend are with me. I've brought him to my small studio apartment for the first time. He has lost a lot of weight, is highly vulnerable, frail, weak, and insecure (unstable) in his movements, but ambulatory and of a comparatively sweet disposition. It is nighttime, late in the evening, and my girlfriend is surprised that I've brought him here. I would not have done so if not that there was nowhere else, just now, where I could go with him. I have a floor fan on, but after being shown to the place's single, tiny bathroom, my father comes back in slow, small steps to ask if I would redirect it, since the breeze is bothering him. He asks in such a nice way that I feel a wave of compassion toward him and want to do everything I can to make his stay with us easier. Once he's back in the bathroom and the fan is off, my girlfriend looks at me questioningly, meaning: "Why did you bring him here? There's no room, and he's too disabled? Why didn't you let me know beforehand?" And (equally concise) I shrug, as if to say: "I had no idea I would need to, but this just came up. He has to have someone with him, and right now there is nowhere else."

[Dad did become both quite frail and sweet after a series of minor strokes in the last couple years of his life. Prior to that, still vigorous and in pretty good health, he had been "a real bear," arrogant, domineering, and abusive. The events of the dream never happened. The closest thing to them occurred several years earlier, at the home my wife and I own. Dad had come to visit along with Mom, as though he could not politely get out of it. They stayed just 15 minutes and then, having made an initial, cursory, rushed job of a tour of our place and having broken part of the guest bathroom toilet (apparently due to his obesity), though he never mentioned or owned up to this, he insisted that he and Mom leave abruptly, never to return. It was true that, after the strokes had begun to take their toll, once he was much weaker, and also after he had been transformed into a sweet and vulnerable old man, I started to see him differently too and to feel a measure of compassionate love for my father, though before that most all my emotions toward him were at least tinged with resentment.]

4/9/07 - Title: "There May Soon Be a Party"

I'm about to have a birthday anniversary, but am in a different city and residence than last year and wonder if anyone knows me well enough to help me celebrate it. The dream setting is dark [like some of the early, futuristic city scenes in the movie "Blade Runner"], with little light even during the day. I'm living alone out of a small, old, 2nd or 3rd floor apartment.

On the way to and from my place, there are areas of standing water. Sometimes they are full of filth, like 1-2 feet deep of bilge (sewage). At other times, they are natural ponds, clear and with lots of new growth: vegetation, fish, tadpoles, and snakes. Access to or from my place requires that I step in the standing water at times, which then is alternately repulsive and frightening.

I have met a number of younger adults, likely in their teens, 20s, and 30s, apparently at work. Now it is my actual birthday anniversary. My work shift is over. Nobody has said anything about my birthday, so I figure I'll just have a quiet evening back at my apartment. I walk out of the workplace with a couple friends [one like my niece, Virginia, who herself has a 19th birthday on 4/15, and one like a prior friend, Sandy, in her 30s]. They seem to be a little more attentive and excited than usual, so that I begin to wonder if something is up and maybe there will be a surprise party when I get home. With a few hints, they give me the impression there definitely will be a party but that there are some complications, so there may be a delay. It is as though they are to keep my (me) occupied awhile so the difficulties can be resolved.

Then I'm in a more modern urban scene, walking on a wide sidewalk downtown in late afternoon or early evening. A youngster, maybe a pre-school nephew or friend, is walking ahead of me, not staying safely with me as I'd prefer. A busy intersection is coming up and I'm concerned he may dash into it and be hit by traffic. So, I'm hurrying toward him. Somehow he is part of the "conspiracy" to keep me occupied and then get me to the birthday party. I see a uniformed policeman, and as I'm hurrying to catch my young friend/nephew I think the cop may believe I'm trying to kidnap the kid, but it seems the cop's in on the birthday arrangements too. At the last moment, the child darts not into the intersection but into a square glass-enclosed kiosk or little shop near the corner, and I wonder if he is looking for a gift or if this is just another way to keep me busy, so the delayed party can be arranged. The cop seems to know what's really going on and be pleased that I'm now waiting in the kiosk/shop while the child looks around.

[As I was reading over the above, I had the definite impression the "child" I had been following in the last scene was not in fact a child but a dwarf or midget, so dressed that this was not immediately apparent till he would turn around. It is reminiscent of a climactic scene in a surreal and tragic movie set in Venice I had seen 20 or so years ago, in which the female protagonist keeps having dark visions of herself dressed in mourning garb being taken by gondola to a funeral. Her husband had followed what he thought was a child, perhaps their child, until they both (the male protagonist and this "child") were in an elevator (another square enclosure, like the kiosk/shop), at which point the "child" faced him and it was apparent he was really a middle-aged man carrying a straight razor, which, reaching up, he used on the other man's neck, killing him.

Both Virginia and Sandy are bright, dramatic, and extroverted. Virginia is probably more into the arts (acting, music, and dance), while Sandy is more into social service, bureaucratic, and administrative interests and skills. Sandy had been a friend for a few years while I was working for the state, and she was one of two women who had arranged and oversaw my farewell retirement party when that career ended.]

4/12/07 - I met with the dream group last night. We discussed several dreams, including my 4/9 "There May Soon Be a Party" one. Highlights:

• The dream is a recognition of the progress and growth made during my dream group gestation period: It has been almost 9 months since I began attending dream group meetings, and since then I have gone to all of them I could (when in town and not having a prior conflict). I've recorded and attempted to interpret, or get DG assistance with, my dreams, taking at least one to discuss for each meeting, and have also been doing meditation to supplement the dream work itself. I have also helped by giving feedback on others' dreams, in some cases with good intuition and near prescience (to paraphrase other group members).

• The dream indicates the growth is such as to warrant a celebration to mark my "birthday." It will be 9 months since my first DG meeting in 2 weeks, on 7/26/06. I can plan to actually have a birthday party then!

• The dream is also about two archetypes that typically bother dreamers a lot: shit and snakes.

• Feces, shit, poop, etc., is the richest, most organic fertilizer. Fertilizer, of course, is a way to stimulate further growth. There is a phrase something like "shit to gold."

• There is an alchemical and hence mystical aspect to the transformation of fecal material to the gold of good compost, to promote nutrition and rich growth.

• We think we ought to reject shit and suppress or repress it. And there are all sorts of developmental aspects to shit's control or release, like anal stages, anal retentiveness (which can become fixated), etc., that can influence the whole personality.

• But shitting is just another natural function, deserving of celebration and respect like so many others. One can even see shit as the productive result of the entire alimentary process, that begins with eating, which, in turn, depends on good nutrients, which depend on good fertilizer, the best of which is fully organic, one form or another of fecal material (whether from people, worms, ants, microbes, and so on.), . And so the natural cycle continues.

• There is also the reality of having a lot more "shit" to work on.

• Snakes, though often frightening, represent truth, fertility, wisdom, life, metamorphosis, health, spirituality, emotions, etc. (See prior snake dream interpretations.)

• Qualities represented in the dream include: bright; dark; artistic; organized; extroverted; intelligent; dramatic; socially skillful; and good at providing services.

• There may not be a need for a large residence since the entire dream setting is a comfortable abode.

• With repeated references to 2 and 3 (or 10 x 2 or 3 or squares [2 x 2] or cubes [3 x 3]), there is both significant dawning awareness and transformation.

• The conspiracy (to arrange and get me to a party after a suitable delay) is not negative but represents the integration of multiple selves. Within the dream realm and dream interpretation, there is abundant room and synthesis for the combined, consensual owning and affirmation of all the selves: atheists, agnostics, and true believers; sweet, cruel, or in between; male, female, or androgynous; high and low; etc. Even the cop is part of the celebratory integration.

• The references to clear water as well as glass sides to the kiosk/shop indicate transparent clarity of dream meaning understandings.

• There is a good balance of light and dark aspects.

• The DG applauded the substantial development made in my 9 months with the dream work, an extent of growth to be celebrated in any case, but particularly, they said, to have been accomplished in such a relatively short time.

• The child that turned out to possibly be an older self which would be violent and kill the ego represents, on the one hand, a nurturing of my natural inner child and, on the other, a positive, healthy demise of an outdated ego, to be replaced by a more integrated and encompassing one, just as snakes shed old "skins" as they grow into new ones.

• I am in a different residence and, indeed, in a different state than last year, another recognition of positive change since beginning in DG.

• I have been "at work," which involves doing my "shift." Again, there is an emphasis on the dream work, which is resulting in change and transformation. Now "my shift is over," meaning that at least one phase of the positive transformation is complete.

• I have made friends at work. Yes, there are now several friends made through the dream groups and work.

• There were, by intriguing coincidence, within just 4 dreams discussed last night, at least 2 dreams (including mine) that both focused on each of these images or themes: a child that would turn out in fact to likely be a dwarf-like adult; snakes or serpents; birthdays; and feces or shit.

• I am being kept occupied and busy, and there is also a busy intersection, as well as possible danger from traffic. From prior dream interpretation (Dallas and the two canines under my arms, etc.), it is apparent that traffic represents deadlines for me, and intersections can also represent the conjunction of intuition, rationality, past, present, and future. I am very busy, and still feel there are too many deadlines affecting my present and future, but happily my natural child dashes into a square or cubic glass enclosure of transparent, clear awareness and transformation, rather than into the danger of overwhelming busy-ness and deadlines.

• The mourning garb alluded to in the comments about the dream, as well as some of the dream's darkness, point to it still being appropriate to be grieving.

• There is an aspect of farewell to the recognition of what has been accomplished. The celebration is to be not only of the growth but also acknowledgement of the death of the old self.

4/13/07 - Title: "Knock, Knock!"

I'm sleeping but am awakened by three loud knocks on the side of the house right next to where my head is on the pillow.

[However, when I checked outside, there was nobody around. I also checked at the front of the house. The knocking dream came 10 minutes before when the alarm was to get me up anyway, as we were scheduled to have grass pallets delivered today and needed to be ready for when the truck would arrive. I thought I could tell, when the dream happened, that the knocks were done not with the knuckles of a fist, as usual, but with an open palm. - The following morning, I was nauseous and had been lying in my bathroom lest I need to vomit again. I did not feel ready to get up under these conditions, but needed to get Fran's attention. She was not responding to my calls. So I hit the wall a few times with an open palm, which got her attention.]

4/21/07 - Title: "Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?"

Someone, perhaps me, has accidentally left the front door wide open, though Puff is loose in the house. Sure enough, when she sees the door open, she races out it. I cannot, from my angle and distance from the doorway, see where she has gone, but it looked like she may have headed straight out to the street. I hear that a car has just turned down our block. I cannot possibly run as fast as she can, and the little beast has never been very obedient, seldom coming when she is called. Nonetheless, with increasing urgency I call her name, aware that, if she were going to come, it likely would have been right away. If she does not, I may never see her alive again. I dash toward the front yard, afraid of what I'll find now that the car has passed by. As I run, I am still desperately, louder and more frantically than ever, shouting for her: "PUFF!"

4/22/07 - Title: "Sometimes It's Good That It's Not All About Me"

I arrive in an area of a huge cathedral-like building, with multiple arches, halls, rooms, and chapels, where I think the wedding I'm to attend is to take place. But I'm late, lost, and have forgotten where I put the rink (ring). I also do not have any money and cannot find my notes or directions about where to go. I look in one of my inside (dark blue) sport(s)-coat pockets. Happily, I'm already wearing the sport(s)-coat and my other dress-up clothes. I figure I might have put the rink (ring), money, or directions in the pocket ahead of time, for safe keeping to avoid just this kind of last-minute stress and confusion. But they are not there. All I find is a square, hard-plastic CD or DVD case with something (CD or DVD) in it, but I cannot tell and do not remember which (CD or DVD) it is or what is on it [digital photos? directions? journal? book by someone else? book I had written? back-up for our financial records or a website? documentary movie? dramatic story-type movie? the complete pictures and stories of my life? other?]. In any case, it does me no good now. Then, considering how ill-prepared I am, I am relieved to realize I am not the groom for this wedding. It occurs to me that maybe I'm not the best man either, and so perhaps I was never given the ring. I know the wedding is at 2 PM. It is about 1:30 or a little after now. I've missed the rehearsal, but if I can figure out where the wedding ceremony is to be, maybe everything will be alright. Then, through an open doorway, I see people in a chapel across the hall who are all dressed up for a wedding. I figure that must be where I belong.

4/23/07 - Title: "Sharing Mindless Drudgery in a Classroom Setting"

My wife and I are working together, each sitting in a new classroom type wooden chair, the kind with a metal rack below, for holding one's books and other personal stuff, and an arm (usually the right arm, since most folks are right-handed) that widens out in front to become a writing surface. The work area or space here is large, dingy, and warehouse-like, but Fran and I are sitting close together and almost opposite, our chairs facing each other. The job involves filling out forms, or writing letters, reports, or case management notes in long-hand and calling clients or other contacts. We are both pretty good at it, though Fran is the more efficient of the two of us. We like having at least this minimal companionship while otherwise occupied. The job setting includes multiple of these classroom chairs, instead of regular desks, plus tiny phone apparatuses (apparati?), that fit on the head, instead of old-fashioned, desk type telephones, so a lot more workers can be crammed into the work area than if we had separate offices or even cubicles. Fran and I cannot (are not allowed) to chat, but can exchange pantomimed facial and bodily expressions, which we do at times with dramatic sighs, shrugs, or funny faces, occasionally with more serious, sad, or angry looks. Of course, supervision is easier in this work setting, and privacy is almost non-existent (nonexistent). We can be monitored from the management level, a higher area (like the bridge of an air-craft [aircraft] carrier), with quick glances from time to time by one of our bosses. Our phone conversations can also be tapped into, to be sure we are not making personal calls or otherwise messing up. Fran seems comfortable enough with this arrangement, though glad our shift is nearly over. We get off at 3:00 in the afternoon. I really don't like the whole situation.

4/26/07 - I met last night with the first dream group. Besides others' issues in which I was able this time to make a significant contribution, we discussed my mindless drudgery in a classroom setting dream (4/23/07). These were the highlights:

• The theme of my dream, and indeed of most of the dreams discussed during the evening, was the discomfort of the ego with a situation, though everything is really fine.

• From the ego's point of view, with which I identify, most all is dingy drudgery, both with respect to my real life situation, of remaining here with Frances in Austin (though I'd prefer, in reality and metaphorically, to be off in a scenic area up north), and psychically or in the dream realm. In either case, I would definitely rather not be dealing with seemingly humdrum growth issues through a combination of real life experiences, dream work, and meditation.

• However, the dream points out that what is actually going on here is quite positive. There is integration, for many others (aspects of the Self) are "crammed in" here and working together. In particular, of course, I am integrating with my feminine self, represented by Frances in the dream. We are working close together and yet, paradoxically, nearly opposite. Opposite in the sense that my masculine and feminine selves are nearly opposite, as well that I am deliberate, careful, methodical, concerned about doing the right thing socially, often having self-doubt, examining my intentions, reserved, etc., while Fran is more narcissistic, thinking and acting on her feet, spontaneous, a complicated blend, aggressive, unpredictable, inspired, supportive, not dealing well with terminal conditions or death (in denial? superficial? blocked?), yet often in touch with and expressive of her feelings, tending not to get involved in introspective self-evaluations, and is instead simply present and responsive to what is happening in and around her. However, though we are quite different, we are interacting well (integrating) within the confines of our current circumstances.

• In part because we complement one another, in part because we would then not be expending energy unnecessarily in a conflict between ourselves, the result of that greater integration will likely be larger than either of "us," these different male and female selves, separately.

• This growth work in which both I and my anima self are involved is facilitated by going through the motions (filling out forms) of the routines of life, dream work, etc.

• Integration and growth are also facilitated by writing in long-hand, a powerful as well as functional way for me to express myself and gain greater understandings, especially to bring them to the surface. (In reality, the writing can later, if desired and convenient, be transcribed onto a computer or another typed format for a more permanent record or summary.)

• Books and other personal stuff are also important in my life, so there is a place for them.

• In dealing with the integration process and life's challenges, as well as those within, it is important to open my heart, to maximum wideness, as the arm of the chair does as it becomes a writing surface.

• The male of the species tends to want to go on odysseys rather than asking basic questions, only to find, in completing the journey, that the important questions and their answers were there all along, at the place from which one started. As in my dream, the female energy tends to find it easier to deal with things just as they are. (What is my basic question?)

• Both my wife and I, my female and male energy, are working (dream or meditation work, etc.) together in a classroom setting. This, that we find ourselves involved in, is a kind of inner and outer school in which we am enrolled.

• My anima or feminine energy is comfortable enough with this arrangement. And as the representative of my emotions, of the unconscious, and of being, the anima is naturally more efficient at this work than is the ego, though happily both are now pretty good at it.

• Nonetheless, even she is glad that our shift is almost over: the transformation (3) is nearly complete, for our shift is ending at 3:00. It is not simply a work shift from which "we get off". This classroom work in which we are engaged leads more fundamentally to a consciousness shift. It is about to occur, in fact is already occurring.

• Privacy is almost nonexistent because: 1. There is greater integration, so the ego and different selves are no longer keeping their own private, separate lives (or selves) intact; 2. The dreams, which reveal most of importance about me (my selves), are being freely shared with the dream group; and 3. The supervision is easier in this classroom work setting.

• Supervision here does not mean, as the ego interprets it, a sinister loss of individual rights and protections, subsumed under the whimsical leadership of tyrannical management.

• Rather, SUPER VISION is easier in this dream, meditation, and life experience classroom type work setting!

• In addition, there is a bridge to a higher level!

• And the setting implies as well aircraft that may be launched, so that some aspects of the self may soar to still higher levels of consciousness, vision, intuition, insight, spirituality, and understanding.

• Upper management (the Higher Self) can quickly and naturally assess and oversee the situation throughout the integrated Self via visual and auditory scanning.

4/29/07 - Title: "The Hazing"

I'm in a small crowd of robed or black-gowned peasants in a medeaval (medieval) setting. Below us, we see a couple or three rows of more black-gowned, standing men. In front of their front row is a row of wooden buckets sitting on the ground or floor, one in front of each man. The buckets each have a big serving of food in the bottom, apparently a stew of some type, with chunks of cooked meat and vegetables (potatoes, carrots, and onions, perhaps) in a broth. It seems the men, once the signal is given, are to upend the buckets and eat and drink their fill from them. Then it will be the turn of the next row behind, etc. In front of the buckets is an open space, with hay here and there on the ground or floor (as if we are in a stable or barn). A couple men enter this space from the left. They are recognizable by their swagger and horseman attire as military leaders. At least the one on the left is a leader. The other is his lieutenant or bodyguard. The leader selects two young men front (from) the front row to go forward with their buckets, as if they are to be selected or drafted for an important chore or military venture or else must give up their food to the military men. It is considered an honor to be so selected. The military men, smiling sadistically, consider taking a dump, but then they just open their trousers and pee into the selected men's buckets. The leader then orders the honored men to eat and drink their fill. They must not refuse.

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