August, 2006

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8/2/06 - In the dream group tonight, there were several insights conveyed and received concerning the 7/30 "...Violent Nature" dream:

  • The ego, or self with which I consciously identify, feels on the edge of disaster, overwhelmed by powerful, even violent emotions, that, like the forces of nature, are beyond my control, though I feel compelled to try to control them.

  • I am unbalanced by this dilemma.

  • I am, at least for now, a survivor, but it might actually be better in terms of growth & transformation if I would NOT survive (as the ego self in the dream).

  • Things are very fluid, in great flux.

  • There is much transformation taking place.

  • Yet it feels extremely uncomfortable.

  • It may be wise to "ask the dreaming self" to be more gentle, providing the dream material in less imposing bits, presenting it a little at a time with which to work, rather than being overwhelmed or too frightened, as in a nightmare.

  • This second dream, like the first about a week ago, could be considered another "presentation dream," providing a theme with which to work in the next several weeks or months. Whereas the theme of the first may have been the need for greater integration with the emotions (of my anima), here was a dramatic display of those unconscious emotional forces needing greater expression and integration, at the expense of the too controlling ego self.

  • The sea represents not just the sadness of existence, the tears of things, or lacrimae rerum, but the unconscious from which comes creativity, soul, being, drive, motivation, zest, etc. It represents, then, the true foundation, mystery, or Tao of everything.

  • There is also powerful anger or rage in the dream, of course.

  • There is loneliness, a sense of being adrift, and anxiety represented in the dream, which feelings are probably symptomatic, at least in part, of the ego's lack of control and worry over its own persistence.

8/9/06 - Title: "Stuck"

Last night I had this dream: Just a vague impression that I am still in the same old house after all this time, with no real prospect of leaving.

Insights from the dream group about this dream included that:

  • The frustration or sadness of not leaving and going, for instance, on many neat vacations with my wife or moving with her to the Pacific Northwest, or to another supposedly ideal place, but remaining in the same house and neighborhood in too hot (& dry, etc.) Austin, is not a frustration or sadness about the literal ideal places to which I might go, with or without Fran, but rather with myself, who will always be wherever I am, here or elsewhere, with or without Frances or others.

  • I should ask the dreaming self to answer the question "What is the next step or development?" In other words, where do I go from here, to deal better with the inner forces that are the real sources of such sadness or frustration?

  • There may be outer world solutions or remedies, as with traveling to neat places one or more times a year, with or without Fran, such that there is no longer any compulsion to make a permanent move in order to experience what is sought or hoped for there.

  • There may also be an inner world resolution, as by meditating several hours a day, or at least until there is a confrontation, breakthrough, and integration with the inner forces or "demons" that currently are haunting my ego self and making me miserable wherever I am.

  • Since the real Fran is not the problem, it would be best not to expect changes in her in order to "make me happier." Indeed, her more complete adjustment to being in Austin, putting down roots, making friends here, etc., may be a good grounding influence and example. Certainly, considering divorce because she does not want to sever ties here and start afresh elsewhere seems unlikely to lead to either of us being more content.

  • The fact that Frances for several years very much did not like Austin and herself wanted to leave here, rather than showing her to be inconsistent, suggests somewhat the arbitrariness of the current dilemma. At one time one partner may feel strongly about one position and the other tends to hold an opposite view (as when I wanted us to remain here till we had the financial independence to be able to move, but it was then she who wanted to leave sooner rather than later). At another time, the positions may be reversed. Such fluctuations are common in relationships. Ironically, the conflicts tend to dissolve as one party to them ceases having strongly held insistencies about them. Thus, if I move on, through inner transformations, we may well both come to no longer feel this as an issue between us, or a solution may spontaneously materialize that seems completely hidden now.

  • The "old house" is the inner self or the "soul." Coming to better terms with it is what is called for in the dream. In any case, it is hardly profitable to seek escape from it!

  • Two possible titles for last night's dream were "Stuck in Place" and "What Might Have Been," but both, one representing frustration and the other a nostalgic wistfulness for something essential that has been lost, are irrelevant to the actual situation and so seem ironic, as in the Beatles' satirical song "Yesterday." For both represent a flight from what IS, and that's more important than any "might be" or "might have been."

8/11/06 - Title: "Maternal Affairs"

I'm at a kind of flop-house or half-way house, a place where a bunch of street people of interesting and/or unsavory character hang out on a more or less temporary but recurrent basis, and it is also as though some of these folks, and I among them, stop in here frequently and get beverages, a little food, conversation, etc. [It's sort of like, in a more wholesome setting, I used to hang out in the early '60s at the Wesley Foundation (Methodist Student Center), on the Drag adjacent the UT campus, a just casual drop-in (or out) transitional place, where one could go to study, watch plays, discuss philosophy, serve or consume tea, coffee, sodas, juice, and light snacks, meet people, play ping-pong, pray or worship alone or with others, talk literature, religion, politics, or whatever, pick up dates occasionally, etc. Anyway, the dream flop-house/social club is a lot more seedy than that, though.] I have the impression I've been here many times before but don't really know anyone, at least not well. Most folks here are in transition and may be gone for several days or months (or forever) by tomorrow. For some reason, one of the staff people there, a guy who is all relaxed about everything, as though he has seen it all, and maybe done it all too, and nothing phases him anymore, is gesturing nonchalantly toward a handful of people who happen to be nearby (but I get the feeling it could have been any of the folks who drop in, on just about any evening - for some reason, though, these are all men - however, at times women are there as well and had been earlier... ). And he introduces them, these men, by simply saying "They... (pregnant pause) go to bed with your mom."

As Frances said, on reading the dream, it sounds like a funny, polite, white guy's version of a major insult ("Yo' momma!"). She must be a pretty spry old lady who gets (sleeps) around a lot! Am also reminded of the Oedipus complex notion of killing one's father and sleeping with his mother. I think of a possible title for this dream: Maternal Affairs, perhaps a play on Internal Affairs (or both matters of the heart or other inner organs and security type investigations) and Mom's business or financial dealings (with which I may be involved as her executor and administrator of her estate).

Interestingly, Mom is rather "easy" when it comes to taking investment advice, often simply following whatever impulse and suggestion, from whatever source, has come to her most recently, rather than having a system or personal discipline about how she selects things to buy or sell. Her "performance" suffers greatly as a result. She has seen her overall nest egg decline over a third since Dad died and she took over managing it.

"Pregnant pause" is an interesting phrase here. I was an only child for nearly eight years, but then Mom had more success staying pregnant and keeping fetuses to term. Between 1951-1961, I acquired seven siblings.

I like the idea of the worldly fellow (on the staff of the social club/all-night cafe/flop-house and) who knows it all and perhaps has done it all himself and is just completely relaxed about everything and can nonchalantly, in a quite non-confrontational manner, impart here and there a bit of stunning info. This animus is a good one, I think, to have as a friend.

I believe there certainly are aspects of my personality that are unsavory and transitional. Also it is true now that in some ways I am very much in transition, as indicated in the prior diary dreams.

The anima in the dream would seem to be the character of my mother. In that sense, it would be a good thing if I were one of those sleeping with her, signifying more integration. On the other hand, that idea seems completely sleazy and off-putting to me (to my ego self?), as does my actual mother in some ways: when I was growing up she at times would not worry about her own nudity, parading about (in my or the other children's presence) with little or nothing on. And to this day I am embarrassed by certain of her behaviors, like drinking to excess, being garrulous and whiney and judgmental, occasionally getting so tipsy she wobbles when she walks, spends more time asleep in others' company than alert, slurs her words, and does not even close the bathroom door when she uses the toilet. (Are these too aspects of myself of which I am suspicious or ashamed? I note instances in which I have indeed felt afterward I had verbally gone on about things when silence would have been better or have said completely the wrong thing, have done embarrassing, socially graceless things, or have been confused or distracted and left a bathroom door slightly ajar, etc.)

I feel, though, that there are some key aspects of the dream's significance I am missing. I wish it were one I could take to the group, but I shall miss the next meeting, due to my monthly literature group meeting then as well.

8/12/06 - Title: "In the Company of Strangers"

I'm once more stopped, in my trip, at a motel, coffee house, half-way house or some such establishment (with other temporary patrons who, like me, are on journeys).

8/13/06 - Title: "An Unusual Gift"

There's a man in a hospital room with a baby, clearly his child. It seems to be an infant, indeed a newborn, yet I act as if it is a toddler, old enough for toys. After handing the man our "toy," wrapped merely in a garbage bag, for his child to play with, I say "If he doesn't like it, just throw it away." Then he says, taking the gift/bag, "Thank you (not yet realizing what it is)!" I add: "My wife and I had a baby too..." "Oh, congratulations!" he interrupts. "But it died," I continue. "So he (referring to the man's child) can have this to play with if he wants, or you might just toss it," I conclude. The man thinks this gift I've handed him is a toy I would have given my baby had it lived, but actually it is my deceased baby. He'll realize this soon after we depart, when he looks inside the bag.)

Frances and I leave without further conversation and walk down a long series of hospital hallways, past many rooms. Suddenly, I realize the significance of what we have done and stop.

"Oh no! What was I thinking!?" I say, more to myself than to Fran, who clearly does not care one way or the other and just wants to leave. "It was a human being! There'll need to be an investigation," I add. (And meanwhile I'm aware too that I really need to go to the bathroom. If I'm about to be arrested or investigated, it could be hours before I get to finally pee!)

"Don't worry," Fran says (coldly, clinically), "I have all the papers," as though just having the right documents will be sufficient, after giving away, either as a present or as garbage, one's dead baby.

"We'll have to go back," I say. "By now, the police have probably been called, the hospital authorities at least."

And then, only to myself, I thought, with great sadness (finally "getting it" not just intellectually but emotionally), "There will have to be a funeral and burial service. Our baby has died!"

Our baby gift, in its garbage bag wrapping, looked like a large dead fetus, but its flesh was all gray [as the real, formaldehyde-soaked specimens in my UT comparative anatomy lab had been]. It had an abnormally large head and no apparent neck, as though the fetus' development had not gotten too far along before being born or aborted. Yet it was about as large as if it had been kept to term. [It is as though Fran and I have suffered at least temporary insanity, due to having had a dead baby. Frances thinks this one very funny, reminding her of the horrible surprises left, under the tree for children in Christmas Land, by the "Nightmare Before Christmas" denizens of Halloween Land, who never quite understood the intent of the 12/25 holiday. Going to the bathroom, per the dream group, refers to a desire for expression. But in this case it also definitely meant I needed to pee, which urgent need was also uppermost on my waking consciousness.]

8/14/06 - Title: "Narrow Escape"

At first, I'm trying to sleep, but there are large black bears about. There is a wall, inside which I would have been safe from the bears, but for some reason I was not in there, and so I am in a rather makeshift shelter near but outside the wall. A bear comes during the night and damages the shelter. I am very frightened but survive. I hide in thick vegetation. It is like (or actually) bamboo, the stalks so grown in together that there is hardly room for me to squeeze in among them, but they do afford some protection, as I can hide there and fit in more easily than a bear could get in and at me. I wonder how others may be faring with dangerous bears about. [I have never seen brown bears, or grizzlies, in the wild, not even, disappointingly, in Yellowstone, but Fran and I have seen black bears in the wild in CO. The dream group interprets bears in dreams as a female aspect and as emotions. Particularly as in prior segments the dream group had noted I need better integration with my anima or emotions, it might have been better had the dream bear bitten me, or even killed me, as the ego self.]

Title: "Security in Numbers"

I'm in a mixed-race (several of us being "White" and several "Black"), diverse ages (very young to old) refugee group of about 25 people (some in families, others here just as lone individuals, and I am in the latter category), apparently all in a tent (about 300 square feet in size), and we are going around the circle and taking a vote on whether: a. To continue as refugees together, knowing there are bears and other destructive forces about; or b. To turn ourselves in to the authorities and get protection inside the wall, but with the loss of freedom implied by being in that place of sanctuary; or c. For some of us to stay with the group and some turn themselves in. I am quite impressed that, as we go around, everyone firmly, though often anxiously, chooses, come what may, for us to both stay together and outside the protective establishment. Someone remarks on the situation being similar to that in 1984 or Brave New World, but many of the young people in this group don't know these or other classic stories. [In my literature group, several times people in their twenties or thirties have expressed a lack of knowledge of authors with whom I had assumed any educated person, and these are all intelligent, well educated folks, would have been familiar, such as Malamud, Bellow, Faulkner, Melville, etc. But, of course, not everyone has a liberal arts education, and a lot of younger folks now have had many other means to entertainment than books throughout their lives. My dream group is mixed-race, but we are not of greatly diverse ages, having no children among us, except that everyone carries about, within him or her, a still living childhood. The wall may be the facade we hide behind to protect our individual egos. If so, it is encouraging that in the dream all aspects of the dreamer choose to remain outside the wall. In terms of the goal of integration, it is also heartening that we all decide to stay together. There still, of course, is the dichotomy between the group and the bears, so the extent of integration possible is as yet limited. When we are all really together, even the "lions and tigers and bears," this may cease being for the dreamer a rather nightmarish set of scenarios.]

8/22/06 - Title: "Almost a Revelation from the Ghost of Christmas Future"

At night, I'm alone amid old tombstones of a small cemetery park. There's enough natural light to read the inscriptions [though I wake up before actually reading any of them].

8/24/06 - Last night I discussed the just above dream segment as well as the dead baby (8/13/06) one with my dream group. As usual, the insights gained were more and different than I had anticipated from analyzing the dreams myself. Here are the highlights:

  • The dead baby in a garbage bag gift to a father with a living, healthy baby sounds bizarre to the ego (what would people think!?), but is just part of the peculiar language of dreaming, which is often in symbols, etc. There is nothing wrong with the dream, but rather it is positive!

  • My wife in the dream is not the real Frances, and her wanting to simply leave the hospital right away, after we get rid of the dead baby, and seeming merely cold and clinical is not a reflection on or indictment of my spouse in life. Instead, it is my own anima or feminine aspect, and in this case "she" is about a very appropriate thing, getting on with life and putting the ended project or venture or involvement that the dead baby represents behind her.

  • The baby being in a garbage bag is also appropriate, for this implies disposal, which is the right thing to do with something that is completely ended.

  • Some dreams are predictive or clairvoyant, and this one may qualify. I had really been looking forward to spending a lot of time hanging out with my nephew, Jim (who in some ways has been like the son and child I never had, since his father's terminal cancer), due in any day to begin his PhD program at the University of Texas here in Austin. However, shortly after the dream I got an e-mail, with no prior warning except perhaps the dream, indicating that, instead, Jim had decided to give up on his PhD studies, at least for now, and to return to NYC for various creative projects. Thus, in terms of my hopes and expectations for the building of that relationship and bonding while he would be in Austin, it turned into a rather disappointing, depressing "dead baby." This exacerbated or rekindled my prior feelings of loss associated with never having had children of our own, which was Fran's choice.

  • The tombstone scene also emphasizes the idea of irredeemable loss.

  • It (places and markers for the dead, who, ironically, have no more need for places, being dead) and the giving away of the dead baby suggest rituals, which we need, for the processing of loss and the grief accompanying it.

  • It would be well for me to give myself a chance to truly deal with my losses and grief, an unpleasant matter, but one essential if one is to move on and not just engage in behaviors to sweep those feelings under the carpet for the rest of my life.

  • In addition to grief processing, for any major project, hope, endeavor, etc., that does not pan out, there will need to be a transition of some kind, a refocusing of energy, emotion, time, attention, etc., onto a new, worthwhile endeavor, my "new baby."

  • And indeed this step has already initially been taken, for there is a healthy, living, newborn baby in the dream.

  • It is up to me to discover what this new baby in my life is and shall be.

  • Generally, it is best to encourage an atmosphere of trust, to whatever degree practicable. This is very important to our relationships, endeavors, vocations, politics, work on oneself, etc. Once achieved and maintained, it can be the foundation of great cooperation and creativity.

  • Laughter is a great way sometimes to facilitate a healing transformation.

  • "Little Miss Sunshine" is a fine, positive movie that will make you laugh!

Last night, I had these additional dreams (presumably in response to my having asked, as I was going to sleep, for a dream or dreams showing me what is the next step that is needed to resolve issues presented in earlier dreams:

Title: "Charity Begins At Home"

I am being told by some behind-the-scenes dream authority "a gift you have to give, forgiveness." [I note that the gift/give idea is repeated three times in that short dream, including the "give" in forgiveness. Thus, quite an emphasis on giving! Also, that the dream may be interpreted as saying there is a gift I must give, forgiveness, i.e. as though it is for my own good that I have to do this. Or it could also mean, and probably does, that I have available this gift of forgiveness, so the stress is not on something I ought to do, but on a really selfless thing to do for others. And one could debate how one forgives so as not to make a big deal about it with the person who is being forgiven, since a big deal implies there really was a lot of stuff that was there to be forgiven, but noting that big deal aspect of it, in a way, is forgiveness with reservations. So, ideally, it needs to be unreserved forgiveness, so natural that one has practically forgotten afterward both the act of forgiving and what there was to forgive, or at least as though one is at the same time acknowledging that there is much in oneself to forgive too, so certainly one is not forgiving from any morally superior stance. Another thing that can be said is that chief among those to be forgiven, perhaps, is myself. But also those closest to me, like my wife, siblings, mom, and dad, even though a couple of these are deceased. It reminds me of the 12-step program, in which one seeks to make amends to all one has wronged, except here it also involves a letting go of the grudges one has held, often for many years. Thus, nobody owes me anything more as a result of some assumed wrongs done to me by them ever before. At the same time, it is as though I would then have no more excuses for still acting or feeling aggrieved. The seemingly simple dream is therefore providing a formula for transforming one's life into one of giving and of no longer grieving over or feeling aggrieved by what has been done to (or denied) me. Of course, that is far easier said than done. A cynical response, "Get real (!)," occurs to me too. For, realistically, more than a small dream will likely be required before I can transform my life in this fashion. I am no saint, and the dream calls for a saintly prescription. It is equivalent to Jesus' advice that when someone strikes you on one cheek, you ought to simply turn the other. Unfortunately, in the true world there are plenty (including even spouses, brothers, parents, etc.) who will reward such meekness with further negative behaviors at the expense of the other person. Perhaps, though, short of becoming a holy being, there may yet be room in my repertoire for a more forgiving and tolerant attitude, both toward my own foibles and those of others, particularly when the alternative may be remaining less functional.]

As suggested earlier, in response to the dead baby dream, group members had suggested that the segment's live baby (to whom I was giving the garbage bag "toy") shows that I have already gone beyond the death of my baby (which symbolized giving up on having children of my own and/or a special relationship with a niece or nephew and/or the loss or end of a special project in which I had placed great hopes) and that transformation is in the process of occurring. They offered that I might seek from the dream maker what in my life this new baby is as well as what is/are my next steps(s). I believe in recent dreaming, as well as thinking about it afterward, I have been trying out various options (more meditation, mentoring a school child, Big Brothers Big Sisters, more vacations, vacations by myself, pediatric volunteer work, story time volunteering, etc.) as if they may each be the next step(s) or answers to what has lately been most troubling me, in each case as if it IS the answer, though perhaps the dream material or things suggested by it are really just presenting possible answers. In any case, that's how I'm viewing the following brief dream segment.

The baby is a book.[While I would love to have the "next step" or resolution be as straightforward as my writing a "great American novel" or some other creative tomb, I actually feel no special pull toward this and so question the accuracy of a simple interpretation of that dream segment, especially as it would be dependent on something outside myself, namely anybody else caring more than a whit about anything I might write. One need only look at the meager number of hits on my journal site to see that is not valid! Other possibilities that occur to me in thinking about the dream: maybe it is writing generally, though, again, this does not actually feel right. Unfortunately, none of my speculations about the segment seem correct, but I suppose considering them can do no harm. Perhaps one's "baby" in this context is anything he or she has created, that he loves, that he has put his heart to, that fully engages him, that he has really given himself to, that thus has him in it. Or maybe, it is just one's own inner, most natural, creative self, that needs protection and play but is like one's heart and soul, from which all good and truly motivating in our lives derives. On the other hand, maybe it would be best to actually give the dream maker the benefit here and act as though the idea of making a book itself is just what was meant, and that this IS "my baby." (But then, what the hell do I write about?)]


Title: "Don't Go There"

There is time before... (some highly anticipated, formal event, as at a convention), and so I suggest to my nephew, Jim, that we take a walk, and I lead him to a beautiful ravine, carved out of the rock by many, many years of flashflood erosions. A peculiarity of this ravine is that instead of being horizontal, parallel with the rest of the ground surface, it is cut into a vertical formation, as though by succeeding great waterfalls, though no stream exists there now, leaving the stones and colors of the ravine easily in view. Apparently what rocks remain are so imbedded in the vertical array that they do not just fall down due to gravity. Nonetheless, the image is all the more vivid for its appearing to somewhat defy natural laws. Anyway, I start to lead Jim up this canyon, but he just laughs, in his usual way of reacting to something ridiculous, and then says: "Tell me you are not taking me down (up) this place, when there's a real gully-washer of a storm coming." Sure enough, the sky is ominously darkening, and we are beginning to hear the thunderous crashes of approaching lightning strikes that likely will precede a huge downpour, leaving us quite vulnerable if in (on) the vertical ravine when that deluge has caused a new creek or river to begin cascading over the lip of the falls above us.

8/28/06 - Title: "No Worries"

Someone is apologizing effusively to me for having forgotten something, apparently expecting I'll be quite distressed about the lapse, but I make light of the oversight and just say "Oh, that's alright."

8/29/06 - Title: "Judge Not Lest You Be Judged"

There is pervasive corruption. It is in Washington, in many foreign places, and here locally. I too am up to my neck in it.

8/30/06 - In the dream group tonight, we discussed the 8/24 and 8/29 dreams recorded above. The other members felt they were tied together and had these thoughts:

  • I am metaphorically up to my neck in deep shit, which is also rampant wherever else I look.

  • There is a lovely, enticing, yet insurmountable, false, and unnatural challenge I would accept, created of many years of runoff erosions from various emotional relationship storms. (I'm still not really clear about what the "towering" ravine is [maybe perfectionism, resentments, perhaps martyrdom], but "climbing" or exploring it would at best be terribly difficult and risky.)

  • My shadow self, Jim, who laughs at what he finds patently ridiculous, will not go there, and so prevents me from embarking on so perilous a quest, one that could destroy us.

  • He also has the insight that a big, new storm is coming, one which would make hiking up or down the canyon fatal.

  • The gift of forgiveness needs, and is available, to be given to my wife, Frances, or to specific siblings or to parents, and to myself.

  • It is not necessarily the case that there was nothing there to forgive. Indeed, there may have been substantial bases for the resentments that have built up. But forgiveness is nonetheless needed and is a true gift to be given, with no reservations that it must be reciprocated, etc.

  • The storm is likely the emotional reactions to really coming to grips with truly forgiving another, others, or self, not doing so perfectly, but with more leniency, tolerance, patience, and understanding, while tending to let go of the extra, comforting baggage of judging others or situations (when feeling negative about the way things are, others or self not living up to hopes or expectations, etc.), and so being more free of all that reassuring but phony sense of control, instead dealing with stuff more honestly, immediately, with less a wall between me and others (or reality) and so also less defensiveness (over the preservation of that barrier?), etc.

  • In short, there will be a period of serious grieving ahead, and so it will not be the best time for taking on big new projects, especially ones that are unnaturally hard. So, "don't go there."

  • The "book" (equal to the new, healthy baby of the earlier dream) is a Book of Wisdom, and represents the clarity of insight I might have once having weathered the coming storm and dealt genuinely with the advice to give that gift of forgiveness. Having come through that, there will be abundant material with which to actually write a book if I so choose.

  • In another sense, the new, healthy baby and "book" may simply be the process, recently begun, of Jungian analysis through my nearly weekly dream group.

  • There is no need for Christ-like martyrdom in becoming a more forgiving and tolerant person. Rather, there can simply be a recognition that we all have our foibles as well as our good points. --A better symbol than Jesus for me might be the Laughing Buddha.

8/31/06 - Title: "Ill Prepared and Poorly Defended."

I'm with my brothers, or at least some of them, including especially Horace, at a massive and old fortress of a family home. It is night, or perhaps slightly before nightfall. We are, or imminently about to be, under attack and will have no choice but to defend ourselves and this place just as things are, though it is apparent to Horace and me that the entire edifice is terribly vulnerable to fire. "We'll need to explain why we were so unprepared," Horace says to me (or vice versa). "If we survive, there will indeed be a lot to account for," the other says. "For now, we'll have our hands full just dealing with the enemy [seen as effective as the Japanese were against US forces in the various late 1941 Pacific attacks]." While the enemy has already come within range, and our defense begins, several of our [World War II type] fighter planes are taking off from ground level at improvised runways between huge, tall pillars that support part of the family mansion, the rest built deep into a hill. A few planes, still barely above the ground, begin to take off right next to me. At least one just misses hitting me. I am relieved to have survived the close call, but also think I should have been on one of the planes myself. Too late now, Horace and I must do whatever there is time and opportunity for, either on the ground or within the great building above. The attackers will have explosives, machine-guns, and mortars, I think, but at best Horace and I have rifles and shotguns to use against them.

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