September, 2009

3 7 9 13 14

9/3/09 - Title: "A Moving Yet Unshared Experience"

I am younger, perhaps in my 30s. I am in some warm outdoor place (probably India), the sun beating down, about to be seated for lunch and served with a full plate of hot and spicy Indian (Asian) food (rice curry or chicken curry, I think, except it is a blend with chicken enchiladas and green tamatilla sauce, a favorite TexMex dish). An older Indian gentleman (a sevadar or volunteer servant to the Master) is about to seat me, but I have lost track of my wife (who is a blend of Fran and someone else, not known, this other woman being intelligent too but freer, happier, more engaging, sensitive, attractive, younger too, and into her feelings).

There is some confusion about whether I am to be seated, since my wife is not with me. And then it is as if I have been seated among many others on one side of a long set of picnic-type tables, open air, except for a translucent, tent-like canopy, open-sided, over our heads, that gives us some shade from the intense Indian sun's rays.

I hope my wife will find me here and that I can get her a seat as well. It seems really "iffy," and I am a little put out with, plus a little concerned about, her for having wandered off and not having stayed with me.

[The food being served here makes me think of a spiritual feast, one I cannot share with Fran, because of both how she is and her complete lack of interest in anything of that sort. I would be able to share it with the other woman, whom this anima is a blend of with Fran, but it is not clear that she will show up in time. The food being served here also calls to mind the phrase "the whole enchilada," the idea of savoring it all, all that life has to offer. The food, its green sauce, and the spiciness of it suggest nurturing, growth, and taking in or enjoying the spice of life. The chicken, however, suggests I have caution or fear about really savoring and taking in what my life provides or about the growth that is still occurring and needed.

Fran is highly intelligent, curious about many things, but not very socially gracious when the topic of conversation or the person(s) she is with or speaking to is(are) not ones in which she has an interest, or she does not feel she knows as much or more than others around her or can teach them about it. She is often amusing or easily amused and is well focused on the things she enjoys, is rather Tomboyish, is a musician (and still works in part-time music gigs, contributing thus about 10-15% of the income needed for our retirement expenses), and is strong-willed or independent, artistic, yet mainly focused on rational, linear, analytical ways of thinking, not so much into holistic insight or a more heartfelt approach to life. At times she is not very cooperative with necessary efforts or even recreational activities I regard as important to our marriage. Yet she is also generally the more upbeat and playful of the two of us, especially with our dog. She can at times be abrasive and anti-social when she feels she is among folks less intelligent or enlightened than she and/or when she is not perceived as the expert or consultant and so not secure in her teaching role.

The Indian gentleman seating me and others reminds me of sevadars at a spiritual colony I visited in late 1975-early 1976, in India. He is simply intent on his duties, though a bit officious in how he carries them out around others. At that colony, I met the Master of the meditation path I was following then. Although he does not appear in the dream, the entire dream setting reminds of his colony and its environs. He was deeply impressive, clearly advanced in his meditation practice. He conveyed a sense of great personal equanimity and command of whatever situation he was a part of. He was also very intuitive, nonchalantly demonstrating psychic powers as if they were nothing special, merely as normal a part of his knowing as smelling, seeing, or hearing is for anyone else.

I was alternately captivated by him and feeling he was a conduit for divine insight and energy and, on the other hand, into my more typically cynical, skeptical self, feeling he was just somebody who played the guru role rather well.

Unlike in the dream, the food served at the spiritual colony was strictly vegetarian. There was no place for (being) chicken in that scene. I had a meal personally served by the Master and his sevadars, all of the food considered blessed and so a great boon, according to his more true believer type guests/followers.

The warmth in the dream felt good, but there was concern about the intensity of the sunlight, so the canopy over where we were gathered to eat was welcome. There was a sense of huge, unorganized throngs before I was seated and outside the colony (outside the area where the food was being served). I believed the Frances/other woman anima blend must be out there among all those people, but I hoped she would find her way in, and to me among the seated diners, before long and so would not just be lost.

In one sense, the anima is simply not there, yet, in another, concern about her absence is a major part of the dream, so perhaps the two blended animas' characteristics are there to show right feeling or by example a correct attitude or one to avoid. From the Fran side of that blend there may be an invitation to be more masculine or controlling, more playful, taking life less seriously. From the other woman, there may be encouragement to be freer, happier, and more engaging with others.

The shadow sevadar, with qualities I generally do not care to acknowledge, is scrupulous in carrying out his duties but to the point of being officious or of self-importantly being too rigorous and meticulous in enforcing the rules, conventions, or "forms" of this place.

My age, in my 30s, suggests "amped up" transformation.]

9/7/09 - Title: "Goodbye to All That"

It is a sunny day, perhaps late morning (mourning?) or early afternoon. Two cute (too cute?) young (Jung?) girls (each about age two) are sad while searching among the flowers on a hilly field or meadow.

[Besides the girls' tearfulness, there is about the dream itself, for the observing ego, a sense of deep sadness. It feels as though the dreamer and the girls know that what was lost will never be found.

Oddly enough, while writing down the dream I was remembering my sad Glen Campbell song, that I had sung with feeling over the weekend, at a family reunion karaoke party, "By the Time I Get to Phoenix," a once popular ballad that laments a lost love.

I feel that the "comfortable" ways I had been used to are irretrievably gone.

And the dream may be (because of the song association) about heading west, into the potentially sad realm of the unconscious, emotions, and intuition.

Obviously too, along with a theme of grieving, there is dawning awareness suggested in this dream. There may also be masculinity apparent here (sunny day). Also, perhaps the idea of a Phoenix, the god who I believe fell back to earth after soaring too close to the sun (of masculinity).

Later, after looking up Phoenix on the internet, I discovered of course that it is really about a mythical firebird, not the god that went too close to the sun.]

9/9/09 - Title: "Preparing for My Premie"

Everyone's on board (baby on board?) for the arrival of a precious new baby. The baby was born already (prematurely?) but needs special attention at the hospital because some of its metabolism or (blood?) salts (electrolytes?), etc., are not exactly right.

One way or another, it won't be long now before the new baby arrives and then, hopefully, before it is well or mature enough not to need a special unit.

The woman doctor has come to my house to check on the unit (or incubator?) where the baby will stay at first, once it arrives. The unit is outside, like a big version of an A.C. (air-conditioning) unit.

There have been some problems with the unit's construction, so it is not yet ready. Evidently, the quality control was not the best on the first work that was done to prepare it, so some things are not correct and must quickly be redone. It has to do with the pouring of the concrete for it, and also there are a couple big tire tracks from the concrete truck (or some other construction related vehicle). In any case, the result is that the unit is not level, and the weight is not right inside it.

I hope everything can be made right in time!

[I discussed this dream with Janet. I pointed out that the "salts" reminded me of assaults. And, in fact, it may have been a predictive dream, for later today I had a dermatology appointment in which the doctor said I needed several biopsies, though I had expected only to need one. Two of the places he said needed them had been looked at by this same doctor twice before, when he did not think biopsies were appropriate, as well as earlier by my previous dermatologist. I pointed this out to him, but he suggested there may have been changes since those exams, but that to him it looked like possible cancer, so he still urged the biopsies (which, of course, will mean more money in his pocket). I am now feeling he is more interested in profiting off me than in simply doing what is best for my health.

The way the U.S. healthcare system works, doctors and hospitals are encouraged to do or order unnecessary procedures if they wish to make more money. I believe he could have taken care of everything needed this time, but now he has it set up that I must go back in twice more, once for the expensive biopsies, and once for any cancer (that they reveal) to be removed. Since I do think one lesion is suspicious for cancer, that means even the third appointment could be "warranted," though prior dermatologists have simply burned off such early skin cancers in one appointment (after first taking a small biopsy, that then may assure they get paid more for the cancer removal already done, before any new appointment would be called for).

The dream might have been about that type assault situation, but it could also be about assaults I received in childhood, mostly from my dad, and/or about assaults generally from folks who seek or have sought to bully or take advantage of me.

Janet thinks it is about all these kinds of assault, but that the new baby, who is not quite ready to react or exist more normally, is my ability to stand up for myself in situations in which I am being or about to be assaulted.

She suggests, for instance, that I get a second opinion before allowing the extra biopsies I do not think are warranted, but this circumstance, of not feeling they are appropriate, yet not wanting to confront the issue so head-on as to get a second opinion, now has me in a quandary of self-doubt and indecision. It is not helped that I'll probably have to pay extra for a second opinion appointment, since Medicare and my insurance likely will not recognize that the new appointment is called for, ironic that, if so, since it would mean there is implicit in the system that it is better to just go along with whatever the doctor orders, even when the patient suspects it is merely a way to line the doctor's pockets, than potentially to save money by seeing if another, more disinterested doctor concurs.

Janet's suggestion (that the baby, who is not quite ready, is my ability or willingness to stand up for myself when appropriate) actually does ring true, particularly since my overreaction to this scenario about the indicated biopsies confirms that I am really not quite ready or comfortable with showing dissent when others are perhaps doing things not in my interest.

If there is any positive news in this dream, however, it is that the baby is expected to soon be ready. Janet feels this means I shall make the right decision, even if it is difficult, and soon.

She also thinks the A.C. unit in the dream refers in some pun way to seeing things differently. I suggested it may be about having more unit-y and so a way of seeing that is more integrated.

She thinks the unit not being constructed quite right is another way of saying my capacity for sticking up for myself is currently flawed. It may have to do with how concrete I am or need to be. In other words, I may be either a little too concrete or not concrete enough, and the result is I am not in true balance (level).

She suggests the deep tire tracks mean I am getting tired of not sticking up for myself.

Making everything about the unit right in time may have to do with switching mental modes to the right, so I am thinking about the issue of standing up for myself more from a linear, rational, or analytical framework, giving me another way of adapting to circumstances, one that is typically more decisive than the left or emotional point of view.]

9/13/09 - I did not have a dream to take to dream group today, but there seems to be, through synchronicity, a way that others' dreams in the same meeting are relevant to everyone present. (I suspect much the same thing occurs at Alanon and other meetings.) Or maybe it is just that humans are so alike that normally what is relevant to one of us is also pertinent to most everyone else.

In any case, the themes in the dreams discussed today do seem significant for me in my current situation:

  • The idea of someone trying to profit from us rather than genuinely seeking to benefit us with the services for which we are paying them, and so of needing to end that kind of parasitic relationship, to better stand up for and look after ourselves.

  • The notion of waiting, combined with creativity and flexibility, for one's higher plan or plane to reveal itself, which will answer some of our current, most pressing concerns.

  • Dawning awareness, transition, and transformation.

  • Among men (and all the dreams today were men's), having little or no anima or inner feminine energy apparent and so missing the message or example of right attitude and feeling that might be modeled or conveyed by this aspect of the inner realm, and, not insignificantly, also being without much real world interaction or engagement with women.

  • Needing a positive, calming, productive activity or work to pursue, one that is rewarding both personally and financially.

  • Needing a better orientation to whatever it means personally to be spiritual.

  • The idea of writing and/or storytelling.

I had looked forward to seeing my friend, Janet, at the dream group meeting, as she is back in town for the first time in about two months, but she had a minor emergency with her car that needed to be taken care of this afternoon instead. Too bad.

In view of one of the themes (above) from today's dreaming, it may be significant that, just as the last time Janet was in Austin, there are miscommunications, so she and I are having trouble getting in touch normally. Thus, there is little real engagement (or it is mixed up with these failed attempts) between me and Janet, who is of course also one representative of my anima. She called here this evening and could not get through. I, in turn, called the only number I have for her, but it rang and rang and there was neither an answer nor any way to leave a message. (Unlike when she was last here, however, this time I intend not to put much energy into such efforts. It is apparent she wants to get in touch with a number of her friends while she is briefly in town once more, but not to have many true commitments about seeing this one or that one, and I know I am not in her real inner circle, however much she denies having any favorites.)

9/14/09 - Title: "Safe Landing"

I am with one other person in a UFO or flying saucer type craft (one that looks like a kid's spinning top and has a long tapering central extension below), in which we are flying or floating in the air above the ocean. Something goes wrong with the flight mechanism, and we proceed to fall, fast.

"Don't worry! There is a safety device!" I yell to my (?). (I do not know if it was my wife, an unknown anima, my child (a few years old), or a combination of all three that I yell to as we are plummeting.) I'm not really sure at all we'll be OK, though, and while very anxious myself I am just trying to make (the other person) feel better before we crash and may both be killed.

Then the safety device deploys, our uncontrolled descent changes to a slow dropping, and finally we just settle down gradually and gracefully into the sea. A great surrounding circle of balloon, air-resistant and water buoyant, has automatically inflated, that slows our fall almost completely, and we gently drift into the water, the dramatic transition from perilous falling to gentle settling so exhilarating I almost wish we could do it again.

As we are then floating (the long tapering lower part of our craft dipping deeply into the water below), with false confidence I yell to the other person: "See? No problem. It was almost fun, wasn't it?"

[This is the first remembered dream since the one on 9/9 about a baby that needed a special unit or incubator because it was premature and not quite ready. I feel sure this also is at least in part about the recent quandary I have been in over my dermatologist, feeling I should not get the extra biopsies he recommends (that I think may not be warranted), and needing today to do something to resolve the matter satisfactorily.

"Something goes wrong with the flight mechanism" could mean that I am no longer running from but facing the problem head-on. In fact, today I plan to consult my insurance company, cancel the biopsies appointment (to give time for a second opinion), and make an appointment with a new, well recommended dermatologist.

There is a transition looming, and my feelings go from anxiety to exhilaration. I hope this is a predictive dream, suggesting that as I become more familiar and comfortable with expressing dissent I may even find enjoyable this process of responding more appropriately when I think folks are trying to take advantage of me.

Both the image of the flying saucer and the ring of deployed balloon, that surrounds it to slow our descent (dissent?), may be mandalla-like symbols of the unified Self.

The craft we are in is our way of going. At first, after the flight mechanism failure, it is plummeting and seemingly will crash into the emotional, intuitional, and collectively unconscious material represented by the vastness and depth of the ocean. The shock of all that left-sided stuff entering consciousness at once might be too much, and the ego (at least) might die.

However, what looks like a big swimmer's life preserver deploys. It is both air-resistant and water buoyant (buoyed up rather than overwhelmed by the feelings-side, intuitional, unconscious material) and so allows the craft to settle gently into the sea, at a pace that even the ego can deal with comfortably.

The language of the dream suggests something less frantic and more gentle about the kinds of dissent I shall be feeling and expressing.

I cannot tell anything about the other person except that this feels a little more like it is a child a few years old than my anima. This is consistent with my trying to reassure her or him as we descend. The main thing that comes to mind is having started going to dream group meetings around 3-4 years ago. Also, perhaps by this dream my mode of dissent has become a little more mature, no longer a premie.]

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