December, 2010

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12/4/10 - Title: "Broken Country"

Scene One - There is a huge amount of broken glass. In a rundown, downtown area, it is in great dark piles in roads, open areas, and under bridges. I have accidentally cut a thumb or finger on a piece of it. The cut is deep and both hurts and causes a problem about the blood, since I have been handling things in common usage by others. I have been serving, like a waiter, or otherwise serving the needs of others.

Someone has been criticizing me, using my injury against me, as though I am too inept to be trying to be of help. I attempt to explain to the other people there that I am not accident prone, that, despite the hazard of all the broken glass, I usually do just fine. However, I soon see I must deal with my injury. That must take priority over defending myself.

Scene Two - Much the same scene, except am no longer injured. Others are urging me to take over as the ? of this town. I am seriously thinking of accepting the suggested position. Currently the job is neglected or vacant, which had led to the accumulated mounds of broken glass.

[The role suggested for me by shadow and animus aspects, shown as a question mark above, is called something that starts with a "b." I think of barrister, but am fairly sure that's not it. The work involves something like being both the mayor of the town and a group facilitator. Or perhaps it is simply a role combining the state of being (as opposed to doing) in a way that has leadership and facilitating qualities.]

12/5/10 - Title: "Bonus Deals"

I am offered a variety of free or bonus things if I get the first several of them. I recall that there were several such deals offered. The exact terms of each deal are not remembered. However, I am definitely shown an ad, like on the front of a cereal box. It is like: if I'll buy two boxes, I'll get a bonus one, making three altogether. Alternatively, I am shown, on the front of one package, a bunch of darker things, actually shapes, that are long and tapered at the ends, shown smaller than scale but each in actuality being maybe about 2 to 2.5" wide by 5-6" long by 1.0-1.5" at their thickest, in the middle, oddly reminding me of a blend of shredded wheat cereal pieces, of bars of bath soap, and of coffins. Whatever they are, on the cereal-box-looking package front a whole series of these are arrayed, standing on end in a curving design, like a backward "S" or a lazy (and unusually curvy) "2," with the objects set up like dominoes along the length of the curve, more than half, maybe 60% or about 2/3 of them, being either darker, coffee colored, also brown sugar colored (dark brown) or shredded wheat colored (tan), but the bonus or free ones always being white, making up all the rest, to 100%, i.e. the last roughly 40% or 1/3 being pure white. In any case, the idea is clear that if one will get these packages, one will receive the original quantity at regular price plus the free, bonus, or extra ones at no extra cost or charge.

[Before going to sleep I asked for a dream: "I want a dream to clarify my new role in dream group." Implicit in the question was the understanding this referred to Sonya's Sunday group. Early this fall, I had resigned as the official co-leader of her group, though I had said I would be glad to still open up from time to time at her place and to help then as one of the group facilitators if she could not be there herself. So the question has to do mainly with my role in the group on those days I can be at the meetings and she is there to lead them. The offers and images are reminiscent of Ben Graham value investing bargains. In such deals, one buys shares of stocks for around 66% or less of their true value, waits for the value to be recognized in the market, then sells for 100% or more, repeating this over and over, thereby beating the market's average return by 5-10% a year. The extra third or more in this type investing is a free bonus that then funds much of one's next purchases, etc. The other important aspect of value investing is a margin of safety, typically in terms of low debt relative to the underlying value. In cereal box or dream group terms, this might mean assuring there is little downside risk for taking the deal. Yet the presence of significantly coffin-like looking imagery reminds that, for the ego, there is no guarantee of eternal life. Indeed, the large number of such coffin-like free "bonuses" virtually assures lots of painful ego deaths.

The serpentine shape of the design of cereal-soap bar-coffin like objects reminds me of a snake, in the past often a powerful dream symbol for me, one suggesting repressed and suppressed emotions as well as health (the Caduceus), Kundalini energy, sexuality, and knowledge. Soap suggests cleansing. Shredded wheat suggests good nutrition or nurturing. Coffins suggest the ends of some things, the beginnings of others. Three boxes suggest transformation. Two suggests dawning awareness. One (also 100) suggests unity, wholeness, integration. Overall, then, the dream appears to represent a lot that is quite positive, yet plenty of unpleasant feelings as well. As for what my new role in the dream group might be, unfortunately at this stage of the interpretation that remains a mystery.]

12/16/10 - Title: "Topless Fridays"

During the morning at work, a new policy was announced, "Topless Fridays" (like "Casual Fridays," only more so). The workers were to arrive for their shifts dressed normally but, about mid-morning, were encouraged to strip off their tops. Two women in front of me and nearby promptly took off theirs. The woman facing me on my left had long black hair, was more mature, and wore a see-through black lingerie support bra that concealed little while also enhancing her attractiveness. The woman to my right was younger and had shorter (shoulder length) reddish brown hair and no clothing beneath the sweatshirt that she had swiftly pulled up and taken off over her head. She had large breasts that stayed up without support. All three of us were enjoying the new freedom and intimacy of Topless Fridays, but the woman on my right was first to move closer so we could begin caressing each other, which we did. The woman on my left held more allure for me, seeming of greater reserve, mystery, and depth, but the woman to my right knew what she wanted and went after it, so we began to make out first. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to soon enjoying more intimacy with the woman on my left as well.

[Morning or mid-morning may have to do with new beginnings, but could also refer to grief, i.e. "mourning" over acknowledged losses. Two suggests dawning awareness. Friday is the fifth day of the week and so suggests waiting and creativity. It is also the end of the traditional work week, suggesting the conclusion of things, which then may be followed by a beginning of others. Three suggests transformation. The setting is at work, so issues here are pertinent to my personal growth or other work-related concerns. There is much in this dream about removing or going without certain attire, hence about having less of a facade or presentation of a phony persona (vs. being more genuine and intimate). The idea of intimacy is enhanced by the ego and the woman on his right beginning to make out, while he was also looking forward to the same with the woman on the left. This suggests good integration with the animas. The one on the left likely represents the unconscious, intuition, emotions, deeper understandings, and mystery, all of which the ego finds at this point more appealing, while the anima on the right suggests remaining in ordinary consciousness, yet with an emphasis on passion, sexuality, Jungian insights (younger, i.e. "Junger"), and consensual or common sense reality. Overall, the dream suggests the prospect of good ego integration with both conscious and unconscious material and with the feminine aspects of the larger Self. Per the internet (to be taken with a grain of salt), dreams of long hair can suggest thinking long and hard about certain issues, but may also mean good health, good fortune, strength, and beauty. Black hair may be about depression but can also mean frugality, savings, sexuality, spirituality, and good health! Reddish brown hair suggests both loyalty and changes in the dreamer's life. It also suggests anger or passion. The eager anticipation of intimacy with the anima to my left suggests greater integration with my more emotional, intuitive, and presently unconscious side is imminent.]

12/19/10 - Title: "To Be Truly Rich, Nurture a Healthy Emotional Life"

A girl, my daughter, I believe, about age ten or eleven, is wearing a nice (pink?) dress. She is also eating well. She is on a special diet. This means she will be healthy and wealthy. Someone (her mother? me? both?) is showing her how to eat well, which will assure she will have plenty of money.

My friend, Janet, suggests the 10-11 have to do with Alanon Steps 10 and 11, needing to do an ongoing inventory for possible new shortcomings and then to pray and meditate on them to see how best to have them removed, though it is not we but our higher power who may do that removing, in the HP's own way and time.

12/20/10 - Title: "?"

I am driving, with (or she is driving, and I am a passenger [unclear]) a woman (my wife, I think, but am not sure, and she may have been my sponsor...). We stop. She gets out and goes into a store to shop. I notice there is a problem with some electrical wiring inside a fabric bag-like wrapping or something connected into the vehicle next to a middle seat (as if this is a van), behind the front passenger seat. Evidently there is a serious short in the wiring and chips in there. It is too complicated to see and know how to fix it right away. Even though the vehicle engine is off, the short in there starts to smoke. I realize that if nothing is done, a fire will start imminently. Sure enough, almost immediately a little flame leaps up inside the opened wrapping/fabric bag-like something, right in the wiring and chips concentrated there. I know I cannot easily suppress an electrical fire and that liquid may cause more shorting and harm, but something must be done and quickly. I see a can of pop (like Sprite, a clear liquid soda) on the front passenger side floor in front of the seat (since that side door is open and I am standing there). I grab and open the pop and pour a little into the wrapping/bag. There is a sizzling/popping sound but some flames continue. I pour almost all of it in and spread its flow around and the fire goes out. I realize, though that damage must have been done either by the short, the fire, or the sticky liquid in the electrical connections. Sure enough, when the woman returns, getting into the driver's side, and tries to start the car while I am explaining what happened, the engine will not turn over. Obviously, we are now not going to go anywhere quickly in this vehicle. Repairs will be needed first.

12/22/10 - Title: "Bottomless Wednesday"

I am new to this place (town) and building, a kind of young people's rooming house or motel, maybe a co-ed college dorm type place. It is as though I had arrived during the night, in too quick or impromptu a fashion to have assured I had everything I needed for customary travel and decorum. Now it is the next morning. I have a little paper money and some loose change in my left front pocket and may use some of it to get a snack from a vending machine in a kind of common dining area, but I have no pants. (Beats me how I "have" the money in my pants pocket but have no pants! I suspect I'm still waking up even in the dream and have not yet figured out that the money I thought I had was actually in the pants that are missing.) I have on the T-shirt and underwear that I apparently arrived and slept in. The T-shirt is kind of long, but still it is obvious the pants are missing. I have no choice, though. There simply are no pants in my room for me to wear. So, feeling exposed and uncomfortable about it, yet needing to start the new day and figure out what to do next, I hope the others will just give (cut) me some slack and not say anything as I look for a snack in the dining room. Then I shall try to work out how and where to get the needed pants, my next step toward making a fresh start in this new place.

[Interesting that, so soon after I had had a dream about topless Fridays (which turned out to be concerning a wish for a lack of a kind of bullying person who seems to me particularly anal and into controlling the Alanon group I attend on Friday evenings; he is thus, to me, a top dog kind of guy, who also reminds me of my father, a shadow, then, with certain negative traits in me with which I need to deal, besides the issues in external reality) now I have a dream about being "bottomless," that is, without my pants. So, here I am not topless, and thus maybe do have some characteristics of one who wields control in a top dog kind of way, yet, ironically perhaps, am not wearing the pants, which of course calls to mind the phrase "wears the pants in the family," suggesting that one person is the head of the household, a role traditionally for the male in a couple, but which may be in doubt for him if the woman under that roof is in fact the more dominant of the two. I think I am doing better in this regard in recently months or years, but still am not clearly dominant in my marriage. If one of us must be dominant, it is still not me. The best I can hope for right now is that we are on a more equal footing. I handle the family finances and investments, quite well in fact. I am the driver when we are in the car together. I have a definite say and in some cases the final say in other issues. However, my wife, Frances, compared with me, has very little self-doubt or co-dependence and is not so easily hooked emotionally, all of which makes my "wearing the pants" in our family at any given time definitely less than a sure thing.

It seems odd to have this dream now, though, if that is the correct interpretation, since I have not been conscious recently of any open issue between me and Fran in which who is more in control is relevant, and, as just indicated, I am doing better in this regard than in the past. So this makes me think there is some other interpretation that I have not yet "gotten," just as, at first, I did not understand the significance of being topless in that other recent dream. Also, if issues between me and my wife are key to the dream, why is she not even in the dream?

Other aspects of the dream, that I think I do get, include that it has to do with personal growth and learning ("building" and "college"], with my persona being less than complete (not wearing any pants), and so with my being more spontaneous, sincere, or genuine.

I've previously had dreams in which I was missing pants and, as best I recall, those dreams were at least partly about shame or embarrassment about something, so this could be the case here as well.

If so, the question arises what I might be ashamed or embarrassed over. The thing that comes to mind is my work on Steps 8-9 and being surprised recently when talking with my woman sponsor with how much self-righteousness and judgmental attitude I was having (which did indeed make me feel "exposed and uncomfortable" when she pointed this out to me) regarding the predicament my sister has gotten into and how she is ready to interfere in others' security, etc. to get herself out of it, wanting to go live with and mooch off either our mom or me and Fran, now that she, Alice, has blown well over a million dollars, and she and her husband are facing imminent bankruptcy and foreclosure, though they continue to be little willing to do work of any kind to help them make ends meet, waiting instead for another bailout (such as my mom has given them in the past) or a dream job that might pay $200,000 or more, like Alice's husband did have for awhile many years ago, when they were living extravagantly, saving little of it for the future.

I note that I say "give me some slack," as opposed to "cut me some slack," suggesting I want others (perhaps my woman sponsor) to give me some slacks (pants) and/or cut me some slack (go easy on me regarding the emotions I have vented to her about my sister, thus exposing myself to and feeling uncomfortable with her, my sponsor).

Pants might also be a pun of some type. Of course, pants can be not just trousers but also the plural form of the way a dog (or less commonly a person) deals with or vents being too hot. Is it relevant that my female sponsor did not want to hear my venting of heat (my anger) about the predicament my alcoholic sister has gotten herself into and how she proposes to fix it. Thus, by resisting or denying the venting of my heat, was my sponsor perhaps denying me "pants" in two ways, both in terms of who wears the pants in our sponsor-sponsi relationship and not allowing me to express my negative feelings?

There are also "ants" in "pants." And "ants" makes me think of anxiety, i.e. "antsy."

"Young people" may also be "Jung people."

That I am new to this place suggests possibly being in a new orientation with respect to my larger Self.

Having a little money and change suggests, first, some energy (money) which may be useful in providing me with nurturing and, second, some transformation (change) occurring in me.

Morning may be a time of beginnings or of mourning, grieving.

Since I associate "T" with the T-F scale in the Myers-Briggs type indicator, I wonder if the T-shirt I have on suggests being in a rational, analytical, thinking type persona.

Meanwhile, it is true that, with respect to Steps 8-9 in my Alanon program, I am trying to figure out what to do next, "toward making a fresh start."

12/25/10 - Title: "Unconvinced"

Scene one - There has been, or needs to be, a long journey. I can see its small thin brown and sometimes circuitous line on a detailed relief map.

Scene two - I have returned home to find that, again, people have plans for my house. (On the one hand, it seems my house, but, on the other, it seems my mom's place, as though I am either staying there or soon will be.) Two people, a woman and a man, are already at the house and seem to be finalizing plans to make it into a commercial establishment. (Mom is either not there or otherwise not significant to the dream. She does not come into it while I'm there.) The man and woman seem to be assuming I also want to make it a commercial enterprise, some kind of business (a bookstore? set of offices? travel agency?). I tell them I do not want it to be a business and to please leave. They are surprised, even shocked. They had thought I was convinced about their making the change. But it was their idea, not mine.

[This is as yet puzzling to me. Of my mom, I would say she is smart, tends to be co-dependent and to play and feel the martyr, is an alcoholic, and yet is also in many ways quite generous, extroverted, creative, responsible, and tending to hold a large extended family together. She is doing amazingly well for an 88-year-old who drinks way too much in the evenings, even still teaching several aerobics classes a week.

The line on the relief map suggests my life's journey, one for which there may now be some relief due to being more involved in the Alanon program or in other efforts at personal growth. Two suggests dawning awareness. There is in my life too much of busy-ness, and I often feel that I must stay as busy as I am (getting inner messages to this effect, evidently, from both a shadow and an anima), but here the ego, at least, seems emphatic that such busy-ness not take over the place where I or my mother anima (who tends to be herself extremely busy, leaving little time for herself) live.]

12/28/10 - Title: "Hangin' vs Hanging"

Just a fragment of a dream in which someone in authority is telling me to "Just make sure all your hangin' is with a basketball hoop," and I have the images of playing basketball and sinking shots through a basket vs. my hanging dead from a noose.

[Associations include "hangin' " as in hanging out or spending time with someone, just having a good time visiting, instead of committing suicide. This suggests perhaps that an authoritative shadow or higher power is encouraging a social support network in lieu of stoically enduring alone deep and destructive depression. Janet suggests the options of cooperation, coordination, and teamwork in concert with others for getting through the Alanon program and life in general vs. needing to undergo an ego death.]

12/29/10 - Title: "Neglected But Fittest Survivors"

Scene 1 - Various animals are in a large wire mesh cage, roughly 3 by 4 feet on one side and four feet long. However, there are gashes or holes in the wire mesh, so that this cage is not adequately intact. I am trying to arrange things so the rats, mice, kittens, and snakes housed in the cage have enough water, food, separation from each other (so they do not themselves become food), and barriers to escape. However, the available cage space is insufficient and the gashes too large, so it seems best to put the original cage into a larger one, perhaps 3-4 times as big as the first one.

Scene 2 - The smaller cage in now inside the larger one, and someone else has been caretaker for the animals. The new caretaker has done a terrible job, so the animals have insufficient protection, food, or water, and the animals can get out of both cages and roam about in a chaotic and hazardous environment, partly in a dark house, partly in an adjoining yard. Few of the original animals are left. A snake is there, though much bigger, and is apparently dangerous (poisonous). One or two cats have someone (somehow) survived. There are also one or two fat rats. All of these animals can go and come as they please. Dismayed, I wonder what I can do to improve the situation.

[The dream reminds me of my reactions to spending a few days with family, such as Fran and I recently did over the long Christmas weekend. However, I am sure it has as much or more to do with my own inner turmoil and lack within of sufficient integration, nurturing, and security.]

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