Have resumed a strict vegetarian diet, according to the Lifestream Way teachings. Also I am once more adhering to the L.W. proscription of alcohol or other drugs.
In my feelings and thinking about spiritual matters I find myself running up against a very negative view of God. God represents to me, for the most part, a great deal of very bad energy. It seems that the ordinary state of things in the universe is, after all, inimical not merely to love and harmony but even to life itself. One can not look to nature, realistically, to find inspiration for a concept of God as a loving, personal Father. One may find cause for awe, of course, but also for great fear! Doubtless my projected relationship with my heavenly Father is confused in my psyche with that of my earthly one.
27 JUL 72 - I was hired today by the Austin State School, as a ward attendant on the night ("graveyard") shift. I begin next week. Have arranged to transfer my yard customers to Al, so that he can carry on through the summer if he wishes. A few of the folks want to discontinue our lawn services; but the majority are going along with the switch. Actually, I think Al will be better off this way. He often found my supervision onerous. I shall be a lot happier too.
29 JUL 72 - Ricky and Mona were over late last night, after they had gone to a play. Mona is still feeling rather nervous over a "ghost" in their house that has been rattling the dishes. I would not have thought she was subject to fantasies, hallucinations, or wild speculations.
I received a letter today from Maharaj Dayal Nam Ji, the spiritual teacher and leader of the L.W. philosophy. I had written him a few weeks ago to ask if I might do L.W. meditation prior to initiation. I also wanted to know if it would be proper to ask for initiation despite the fact that I felt some of their teachings to be simply myths which were useful for the lesson they contained but not intellectually sound. I referred too to my previous beliefs, spiritual associations, or work and practices, trying to be a Christian when I was much younger, later involvement with Zazen, also with a Gurdjiev-Ouspensky group, etc. His reply was as follows:
This is all quite clear and certainly seems in order and to the point with respect to my present state of mind.
1 AUG 72 - First day on the new job. No complaints.
Am continuing with repetitions of "Radha Soami" in free moments, whenever I think of it.
The pain of isolation, after my break-up with Trudy, is still very much with me. Although I am no longer drinking as before, I still feel the emptiness, fear, and loneliness that led me back to booze.
A thought that I find distressing out at the state school: why did God create such people as are the "students" here? Most of them are biological freaks, mentally and physically so handicapped that they will need to spend their lives in an institution, with constant care and yet with limitations almost unimaginable for those not familiar with such places.
4 AUG 72 - I received a letter from Harry today. He advises that I continue my meditation despite what Maharaj Dayal Nam Ji wrote in his letter. So be it. I agree.