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(1971-1975)



VII

22 JUL 72 - Small yellow man, always laughing, ever mocking, waiting, ever knowing, everything, forever, in the back rooms of my mind. Small laughing man, always running, never moving, moving to mock, never proceeding, always laughing, running, mocking, motionless moving, yellow man, mocking me with your silly grin, smiling on me, eyes that would see nothing but glee in my serious efforts, my to and fro movements, here in this body, here in this living, here in this name and place and history, here in this me that is moving to and fro and frowning or laughing or placidly dreaming, here in this nothing hes laughing at so; and running, frantically running, little yellow man, and staying there always, forever, mirthfully, silently, running and laughing, mocking my moving, laughing and running, running and laughing, from the back rooms of my mind - you horrible, scary, small yellow man, always laughing, ever mocking, waiting...

Have resumed a strict vegetarian diet, according to the Lifestream Way teachings. Also I am once more adhering to the L.W. proscription of alcohol or other drugs.

In my feelings and thinking about spiritual matters I find myself running up against a very negative view of God. God represents to me, for the most part, a great deal of very bad energy. It seems that the ordinary state of things in the universe is, after all, inimical not merely to love and harmony but even to life itself. One can not look to nature, realistically, to find inspiration for a concept of God as a loving, personal Father. One may find cause for awe, of course, but also for great fear! Doubtless my projected relationship with my heavenly Father is confused in my psyche with that of my earthly one.

27 JUL 72 - I was hired today by the Austin State School, as a ward attendant on the night ("graveyard") shift. I begin next week. Have arranged to transfer my yard customers to Al, so that he can carry on through the summer if he wishes. A few of the folks want to discontinue our lawn services; but the majority are going along with the switch. Actually, I think Al will be better off this way. He often found my supervision onerous. I shall be a lot happier too.

29 JUL 72 - Ricky and Mona were over late last night, after they had gone to a play. Mona is still feeling rather nervous over a "ghost" in their house that has been rattling the dishes. I would not have thought she was subject to fantasies, hallucinations, or wild speculations.

I received a letter today from Maharaj Dayal Nam Ji, the spiritual teacher and leader of the L.W. philosophy. I had written him a few weeks ago to ask if I might do L.W. meditation prior to initiation. I also wanted to know if it would be proper to ask for initiation despite the fact that I felt some of their teachings to be simply myths which were useful for the lesson they contained but not intellectually sound. I referred too to my previous beliefs, spiritual associations, or work and practices, trying to be a Christian when I was much younger, later involvement with Zazen, also with a Gurdjiev-Ouspensky group, etc. His reply was as follows:

"Dear Brother,

Yours of July 5 to hand.

I appreciate your interest in Lifestream Way teachings. This is not the time to think of any form of meditation. There will be plenty of time to do this at the right time. This is the time to understand Lifestream Way fully and for molding your life on Lifestream Way principles. You have not been on the prescribed diet and drink rule for long. Please see if you can live such a life for the future without any difficulty. L.W. even does not permit the use of eggs, fertile or infertile, at any time and under any circumstances. You have to be sure what this science is and what we have to do in following it. This complete satisfaction and understanding is most important. You have to compare Lifestream Way with other teachings and then come to a final conclusion. If you accept Lifestream Way, you naturally have to follow it with a single-minded devotion, to the exclusion of all other teachings. You can not sail in two boats at the same time. Clear your mind first of this problem and then think of the next step. Divided loyalty in spiritual progress does not pay any dividend.

You are still not sure of the truths of Lifestream Way which sometimes appear to you to be crude and unrealistic. It means you have not made any serious study of the books so far. Otherwise this uncertainty and hesitating mind has to be stabilized and one final decision taken. Without firm and unshakeable faith no spiritual progress is possible. Therefore make a very thorough study of the teachings and then draw your own conclusion. Accept these only if you are absolutely sure of their truths and are ready to follow them with single-minded devotion.

With best wishes.

Yours affectionately,
(signature)"

This is all quite clear and certainly seems in order and to the point with respect to my present state of mind.

1 AUG 72 - First day on the new job. No complaints.

Am continuing with repetitions of "Radha Soami" in free moments, whenever I think of it.

The pain of isolation, after my break-up with Trudy, is still very much with me. Although I am no longer drinking as before, I still feel the emptiness, fear, and loneliness that led me back to booze.

A thought that I find distressing out at the state school: why did God create such people as are the "students" here? Most of them are biological freaks, mentally and physically so handicapped that they will need to spend their lives in an institution, with constant care and yet with limitations almost unimaginable for those not familiar with such places.

4 AUG 72 - I received a letter from Harry today. He advises that I continue my meditation despite what Maharaj Dayal Nam Ji wrote in his letter. So be it. I agree.


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