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(1971-1975)



XII

2 DEC 72 - As I have in various ways been trying to say, I have a bit of a story here to relate. But how to go about it? Shall I mention the radio droning on over there, the distant cries of children, the anxious whine of a neighborís dog, the general decline of the day into night? What of these? Of what consequence? Shall I continue in first person or resort to the third, or even the second? (What do you think?) Shall I convey the power and majesty of great waves crashing upon jagged rocks on gray days in distant places over the sea, unknown, unreckoned, save thus in our mindís eye, or in the consciousness of some beast or god? And why? Why write at all? I write because I must. I must because it is thus I would discover myself, here in this strange little whirling world, this time, this flesh, this place, this bit of being, hemmed in by the contingencies of personality and destiny. Shall I tell you of Charlotte and of her dancing breasts and eager limbs? Shall I relate the death of my favorite dog one day as a child? Or does it matter? Does any of it matter at all? Perhaps, indeed, it all matters not except to each bit-part player here on the stage, saying his lines, strutting about, gesturing with such vehemence and realism, as if his very existence depends upon the energy with which he invests the performance, as if he really cares about those things in which he makes play at serious drama.

Dreamed last night, the second time in three nights, of an infant being born. Is dreaming drawn only from this life? Can it be taken symbolically? In Jung, as I recall, a newborn infant in dreams is a universal image for oneís deepest, most precious self.

8 DEC 72 - Is it merely coincidence that my getting work (as a cab driver, this time) plus my having a severe cold occurs at the same time the L.W. Spirit Fest is held, for the first time, here in Austin?

I just realized that L.W. cannot be understood, nor anything else, by reason. Nothing can be affirmed or denied by intellect, and certainly not by ego. Reason is merely one function by means of which true reality can operate in a state or condition of selected, separate consciousness (unconsciousness) of itself. It is merely one mode for the individual of orienting itself and dealing with all of its universe, which it sees then as separate from itself. It is just one among an infinite variety of modes, one of the least effective, at least as commonly employed. And any situation, every situation, bears nuances of highs and lows, subtle hues and contours, and interrelationships of which mere reason is utterly blind. If you base your certitudes on what is most logical, rational, reasonable, intellectual, you are almost guaranteed to be wrong! Reasonís veneer covers many more profound levels of meaning, need, desire, and truth!

11 DEC 72 - In our Spirit Fest this past weekend, by Maharajiís grace, I suspended my intellect for a few hours each day; and the fruit thereof was sweet and beautiful.

Itís a cold, windy, sleeting day.

Maharaji, even in pictures, is a physically superb specimen of manhood. He looks quite noble, regal. If he appears thus in the flesh, what must he look like in his inner light form!?

12 DEC 72 - Studying insurance, programmed instruction booklets, preparatory to beginning work in mid-January as a life insurance salesman. Iím now down to my last $5. (As the reader may surmise, my career as a cab driver lasted a singularly short time!)

There is never truly an either/or situation. Rather, there is limitless potential for realizable choices. One may imagine only one or two or three at a given time, but were he to free his imagination he might see an entire landscape of possible options lying before him. Even if one is reduced in imagination to seeing but one way he can go, he may then still decide how he shall react and adapt to the situation.

The depth of oneís most devastating, nihilistic, super-conscious experience of utter meaninglessness or terror may also be a hint at the height of oneís potential for creative, positive, affirmative, and utterly meaningful super-conscious experience and being.

15 DEC 72 - I have secured employment. Donít know that I should really feel overjoyed. I go to work Monday at Gibson's Discount Center, as a clerk. Spending the rest of today writing creditors, that at least some of their money will be forthcoming, in just a few weeks.

17 DEC 72 - Have decided not, after all, to take the insurance job. After much thought and many misgivings, I am forced to admit that, as when I gave up on Fuller Brush, I am no salesman!

21 DEC 72 - Incidentally, dear reader, know that, unless there is mention to the contrary, from henceforth, I am maintaining a strictly vegetarian diet and am also avoiding alcohol or other drugs. This new asceticism began Nov. 22 '72. So far I have had no trouble with it at all.

Reading a beautiful paperback gift from Ralph, The Book of Mirdad, by M. Naimy.

26 DEC 72 - My plan now is to change my situation as little as necessary to most practicably facilitate my discipleship in Lifestream Way, until after my initiation at least. Thereafter, I shall pursue, first, my duties in L.W. and, second, carefully, thoughtfully, also a career in teaching, with whatever speed my financial, social, academic, and emotional conditions may permit.

A dream last night was quite interesting: I am alone in a palatial house. A beautiful woman appears, rushes through, and immediately again out the door. I hurry over and call out: "Dielle, I wonít rape you!" She stops, returns, and turns out to be not Dielle but another beautiful woman named Ilona (or Ilisha? Elisha? Elizah? Elijah?). But I was supposed to be meeting Dielle and am feeling very confused. Something is wrong. I become aware of a voice speaking in my left ear and assume I am talking on the telephone. I guess it is Dielle (Dial? Dayal?) calling to explain. I evidently take this literally: Dielle (Dayal) has called (Kal-ed - turned into Kal; i.e. Maharaji has become the devil and is speaking to me now out of the cosmos). The malevolent, deadpan voice seems to be speaking from hell itself as it says in tones permitting no dispute: "Philip! Phillip! There is rebirth!" I become still more confused, then terrified, and involuntarily begin repeating the name of Maharaji over and over, shouting his name, near hysteria, until, at last, I awaken, and so escape. (Sure enough, according to Lifestream Way beliefs, by calling on his name, I can obtain release from hell and attain a higher level of awareness. Alright!)

Harrington predicts that, by the year 2000, American society will be collectivist, whether fascist or socialist, because things are just getting too complicated, and with geometrically increasing interdependence, for a representative democracy as we have known it, with a free economy, or with standard liberties and rights, to be much longer sustained.

Two men in succession sought my assistance today, who have serious physical ailments. I stay most of the time in an appliance aisle, at Gibson's Discount Center, that is in line with the main store entrance. But still the coincidence seems remarkable, that two such persons in a row come for my assistance, each telling me his story. The firstís entire face-and-brain-swaddling tissues and sinuses were so affected that he has to have electrical massage each day (and he wants my help with selecting an electric massager) merely to be able to eat, talk, etc. He has already also had numerous operations to assist him. The secondís lower half had been substantially replaced on the inside by a maze of artificial tubing and eliminative gadgetry, requiring great attention throughout the day. It struck me how undaunted both these men were by such severe maladies, then also that it was as though they were now simply waiting to turn in these old, cumbersome "models" for newer ones, or even for entirely transformed modes of being-operation-transport-communication.

27 DEC 72 - A year ago today I began this journal. I can not help reflecting on what this period has meant, not really a typical year in my life.

Attended association at Linda's tonight. The theme was the need for devotion to Maharaji. This was reemphasized for me later in my daily L.W. reading. A person is said to have reached the state of Sharan, or total surrender to Maharaji, when he has completely disabused his mind of the idea that his guru is a mere man and when he carries out, without demur, all of his orders, at once, having implicit faith in him. This faith must be to the point that if oneís guru says of the day that it is night, the disciple immediately recognizes that it is so, or that if Maharaji should say of this dog that it is a great buffalo, the disciple should affirm in his heart that indeed it is a buffalo. In this state, it is said, the mind raises no questions.

After association, I got into discussion with Joseph about Ralph's imminent departure for Italy, in connection with his U.S.A.F. Security Service posting. He said he understands there are several Italian L.W. disciples who speak English, particularly in Rome, and gave me info. on whom he might contact there, adding that if Ralph really wants the company of other Lifestreamers while he is over there, he will not be alone.

Though so far Iíve little visible evidence of it, this year has been very fruitful. Despite my seeming lack of direction through most of it, it was at least the point at which I gave up drinking and the time I committed myself to the Lifestream Way.


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