STEPS Chapter XV

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(1971-1975)

XV

Pure Magic

21 FEB 73 - Phillip stalked brown and white rabbits in the sun-bright powdery, white snow. He chased them for sport in great leaping bounds of exhilaration while the wind whistled in the bare branches and soaring limbs of the trees. They jumped and swerved and darted about and suddenly stopped and froze into the landscape and were lost to sight, blending into the shadows and the tall, reedy stems of marsh grass and weeds that poked up through the field of snow in miniature forests. But their feet left impressions in the snow and, following the trail of these, Phillip soon rediscovered in this or that little mound of brown and white the bit of quivering, warm, breathing flesh whose very existence in the endless landscape of cold and death was a fascinating mystery, a bit of pure magic, a delightful game, a startling contrast so rich he found himself laughing in awe, in glee, in enchantment. He loved the rabbits! He would touch one to re-verify in that sense the miracle of their being, warm and vital and full of surprises, here in this land of endless white and cold. The sun caught and gleamed in the rabbits' eyes and sparkled there as he watched the small creatures and they watched him. And he was happy. Finally the cold had worked through to his bones; and he had begun to shiver. "Bye, little bunny!" he said in a whisper. "I'll see you later!" And he rose from crouching there in the snow and slowly turned and went back to the big warm house. The wind whistled. When he looked back, from near the house, the rabbit, like an apparition, was gone. There were only the snow, the dried weeds poking through, the bare trees swaying and creaking in the wind, the sky pale blue, the sun brilliant, but failing to bring warmth to the land. He watched and listened for several moments, then turned and ran in to get warm.

None of these particulars are of any consequence: not karma, not reincarnation, not special names of inner regions, not previous ages of man, not lines of perfect living masters, not specific interpretations of various scriptures, none of it. The only things of any importance are those learned within, through meditation, and applied realistically, then, in our everyday lives.

Much bizarre dreaming is continuing. In a dream last night I alarmed both myself and several others when I displayed certain "powers" gained through meditation. So distressed were these others that they threw me out of their group. Yet the powers continued, so that, by concentrating, I could manipulate objects at a distance, draw people to me, and in other ways show that reality is not so fixed a thing as it appears; nor are our own capacities so limited as we normally assume.

Life is a sacrament.

I think that I might be a good writer, teacher, friend, lover, husband, and father; and I'd like to try these things well before I die. And also to explore altered states of consciousness, and to have and express a profound poetic vision, a synthesis that may encompass all of human experience in an explosion of meaning.

Concerning the differences noted between Zazen, Gurdjiev, Castaneda, Lilly, Jesus, Lifestream Way, etc., the following seems apt: "The lamps are different but the Light is the same: It arises from Beyond. If thou keepest looking at the lamp, thou art lost, for thence arises the appearance of number and duality. Fix the gaze upon the Light, and thou art delivered from the dualism inherent in the finite body." Rumi

In recent days spring has arrived in Austin. Now, with warmer weather, the bugs and birds are more active (and people, too, out of doors), trees and shrubs are in bud, and the truck runs better.

If I must be ambitious, why not be ambitious in spiritual matters and leave the worldly to look after themselves, relying on the grace of the Master? Thus Baba Jaimal Singh Ji has said: "Keep your mind away from worldly desires, because you will get only what is written on your forehead. Nothing else. Then, why entertain worldly desires and ambitions?"

From In Search of the Miraculous:

"On one occasion...someone asked about the possibility of reincarnation, and whether it was possible to believe in cases of communication with the dead.

'Many things are possible,' said Gurdjiev. 'But it is necessary to understand that man's being, both in life and after death, if it does exist after death, may be very different in quality. The man-machine with whom everything depends upon external influences, with whom everything happens, who is now one, the next moment another, and the next moment a third, has no future of any kind; he is buried and that is all. DUST RETURNS TO DUST. This applies to him. In order to be able to speak of any kind of future life there must be a certain independence of external influences. If there is anything in a man able to resist external influences, then this very thing itself may also be able to resist the death of the physical body. But think for yourselves what there is to withstand physical death in a man who faints or forgets everything when he cuts his finger? If there is anything in a man, it may survive; if there is nothing, then there is nothing to survive.' "

28 FEB 73 - To bed early tonight with visions of beautiful women, large bank accounts, intensive, spectacular reality breakthroughs, PhD's, and serious writings' ravings and reviews dancing in my head.

2 MAR 73 - If I remain committed to LW, no matter what, regardless even of my particular orientation to it from one time to another, and stick with it for the rest of my life, by this alone will my life acquire richness of meaning and purpose such as wealth or security or mental health or position or degrees or pleasures or fame could never match. To this faith I shall hold and by this live from henceforth!

24 MAR 73 - I gave Gen. Glacier my application for Lifestream Way initiation today. He said he would get it off right away to the Master! Hooray!

1 APR 73 - April Fools' Day. Strange that we set aside but one day for fools!

A dog was just hit out front by a passing vehicle. It screamed out its fear and pain, and in seconds was dead.

12 APR 73 - Word just came in the mail from Gen. Glacier! I have been accepted by our Master for LW initiation!!!!

What we call reality is a very specialized, cultivated energy-and-belief investment, just as is what we call civilization in our culture. Both, this "reality" and this "civilization," are isolated manifestations of an infinitely potential Source from which all phenomena derive.

If people are bored, it means they are not flowing freely, not moving. Beyond the barrier of boredom one is more truly alive. Even if the external reality seems temporarily uninteresting, one may break through the barrier by progress within. Inner possibilities are unlimited and unlimiting. Significant realization on internal reality levels will affect the externals as well, in ways that are immeasurable but wholly positive, freeing.

Linear thought can be a trap, self-defeating. One has the possibility of thought that grows like a budding, blossoming tree, flowing and exploding at many, many points simultaneously.

I have decided I'm going to give death a run for its money. But lately I have been having some strange dreaming. Last night, for instance, I kept on hurting myself, despite the solicitation of friends and, in the end, leaped out from a hayloft and plummeted downward till snapped to a halt by a noose round my neck.

19 APR 73 - Association, held at Wilma's last night, was the most beautiful mid-week one I have yet attended. It was a very intimate, small gathering; and Master seemed to be right there. I also had the clear impression that Wilma, an older Satsangi, only initiated last June, and yet intensely devoted and firm on the path, has made a great deal of spiritual progress since then.

1 MAY 73 - MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Tonight I finally completed a draft application for federal civil service work, to accompany my examination results on the Federal Service Entrance Exam, which I'm to take day after tomorrow.

4 MAY 73 - Yesterday I turned in my civil service application and took the exam. Think I did well.

Initiation is bound to come any week now! Pins and needles! Alternating moods of depression, doubt, what-the-hell-there-ain't-no-god-anyhow, fuck, shit, what a world, what a crazy fucking life this is, got no wife, slit my throat, "if that's all there is my friend, then...," "they shoot horses don't they?"