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3/29/01-Encounters intimate moments entranced black fleas supping on me brown eyelids hanging out like big-bellied red necks ready to snap shut fast as crocodile jaws dog just keeps gnawing on her favorite white chew thing hospital blues drew went in for minor surgery reacted to demerol and had a heart attack thick tobacco tar stained bellows atrophied lungs barely breathe deliriums premature dolphin fetus sun burned and bleached upon the beach pseudo alcoholic rants how dare you suggest I might have been drinking when acting like an asshole there are cracks in the foundation moisture and termites gaining entrance the fair lass approached across the moonlit landscape her hair blowing like flax in the wind...
3/24/01-Dearest would you mind terribly if I've been having an affair because the thing is it's all over and it did not amount to I that is it did not mean anything it was just something that happened crazy really and I'm so sorry I'm sure it would never happen again the dog stared at me while I closed the door she did not move did not even blink nobody talks like that who calls their spouse dearest anymore anyway honey yes or honey or sweetums or sugar or any of that shit what the fuck were you thinking that it would not matter to me because it was you who said you fuck that if I ever had an affair that was the end of our marriage I know I know I said that and yes I mind terribly was that your word terribly I was afraid you'd be like this she said you get so angry sometimes the dog ran over and hid under a stuffed stool funny the things you notice that don't make a damned bit of difference like the odd way her hair curls over her left ear the tiny age flaw perhaps a broken capillary on her right breast or was that where someone else had crushed her to him had ground his teeth into her in a momentary excess of abandon rapture what a concept for something quite obscene I guess men think like that she said women don't it was nothing like that it was hardly physical at all it was more a soul kind of thing only I made a mistake that's more than I wanted to know it was just that we talked so well together it had been so long you remember how it was with us in the beginning we could just talk and talk for hours it was like that you and I have not talked like that for years decades the sex was incidental yes orgasmic but it was more communication than fornication why did that stop for us how long's it been since the last time we just had an endless chat like that you mean all somebody has to do to get you into the sack is talk to you oh baby come make babies with me you can communicate with my body all you want if you just make nice tongue noises to me fill my ear and you can have my cunt you cheap easy whore jesus I can't believe this is really happening no you and I are finished if you wanted to talk why didn't you say so after all these years together and you go and do this do you know how many times I've wanted to make it with somebody else yes now we hear it tell me how many times you wanted to sleep with other women I'm not having this discussion that's it we're history and you can get out now would be nice he woke up she lay beside him still the dog's chest rose and fell in quiet little sighs at the foot of the bed what was that all about he told her later of the dream no when would I have time for an affair she'd dismissed but then confessed with a laugh she had embraced stefan at the rehearsal the night before smart and smooth talking dedalus the dog rolled over and invited us to play...
3/15/01-Crystal city wet web log blues cursing in the background eyes aching like blue balls from the pollen spore sinus crud like learning to water ski forgetting to let go the rope after you'd fallen under holding on doing the submarine with ten or twenty knots of liquid coursing all round your brain like the time you separated sodium and chlorine in the lab and got a whiff too much gas the membranes porous pored out snot blood for a fortnight or like the time they put a mask over your nose and mouth and dropped ether through it till the room began to spin like the water down the tub drain faster and faster till the dark came in from the edges and put out the light and when you'd come to the wounds in mouth and throat and the raw aftereffects of anesthetic were like flaming swords slicing about inside your face your neck how long does consciousness persist after the head's lopped off if pain were in color what would it smell like if this is to hell as heaven is to this what is hades like in hell if there were no death and no afterlife would this be hell or heaven and could you choose for there is no death there is only this one moment at a time until the ether comes in from the edges and puts out the light...
3/10/01-Wisdom like honey is so precious and sweet setting up an office at local supermarket not at my prime neat images of fifth kingdom slime molds dancing in my head so tired prostrate last sleep cycle I never arose from bed though most times my pesky prostate gets me up twice or thrice a night that'll be three dollars even the espresso clerk said a blueberry bagel bag full low fat and no cholesterol with small cup of java black a tiny itch or pinch inside my nose threatens to bring on tears a fit of sneezes and new nasal flows my cap tight over graying unshorn locks the chair hard on gluteus maximus and too tender thighs sipping sniffling coughing through another early morning rise long walk with Fran who awakened first and Pepper on the way back pungent residual skunk scent betrays an unpleasant nocturnal encounter in a semi-daze I spy a large hawk smelling fresh ground coffee beans rich aroma it's taxes paperwork day sigh the NASDAQ's down sixty percent from its stratospheric year ago high money thus invested were far better spent the young boy both his parents lost in a sudden accident and could have passed his own life in bitter neurotic resentment wishing he were dead but found a meditation master teacher instead and became one as well himself in time...
3/1/01-Image collages currents visions mystic quests mystique in motion rapid flight julie's form feminine at dawn clothed alone in shadows and light she'd turned and tossed the bed damp dream harassed and brooding through the night a pile of fresh killed carcass bones still red with meaty debris lay out on the dry field as she approached she saw it was indeed a human skeletal mound and thought of her missing ralph was he only just violently deceased those are my bones the spirit said is that you my dearest just so he intoned they should not be left so the ghost implored it in her anger and terror she flew up soaring in an instant out of her body and communed with him they must be burned he said it was all arranged don't you remember from her raging eyes there blazed a white hot jet of flame powerful in its heady hate and bitter anguish and lit then consumed the pile his naked bloody bones inflamed to cremate slowly she returned to her own young flesh awoke and headlong rushed out into the dusty savanna to prove that it was not so by evening came the news of his tumor far advanced he'd collapsed on business in a foreign town in coma did she want to help the doctors decide what ought to be done yes there was still time to come but do not tarry he may not last another night she knew what must be done had he not told her so clearly his voice so strong so firm his will so hard...
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