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5/28/06-Everything's an accident or there are none no mistakes happenstances or coincidences whatever and in this mystery either a hyper cloud of chance or a forever fixed prison of unchanging implacable purpose there are all sorts of ways to die for redundant individuals vain and unwilling to recognize a fundamental nothingness to being there's an initial reluctance a laziness almost to accept savor and celebrate either the manifold contingencies and bounty of life or the particularity of personal demise we each think it ought to be different not in this manner but that for me we suppose the lord surely has some other plan more in keeping with our dreams of a satisfying story a meaningful end to a significant existence but they are entirely without exception valid and successful means to cease to be one not more of merit than the next or yet another billion or trillion or so the fan blades are loudly whirring the mosquitoes nonetheless vectoring in the fresh coffee for awhile too hot for more than cautiously sipping staining my teeth like piano keys dirtied by years of use my dog puff does not know what she wants but diversion her other needs met but settles down for a drowsy meditation biding her time yet ever watchful to my slightest movement lest she miss her single opportunity for a long late afternoon walk in the humidly excessive heat of a not yet sufficiently dying day my legs' bites itch but I barely avoid a strong inclination to scratch their sores into huge welts bloody and raw time's passage slow when waiting for a desired event or appointment or to break free of expectations and targeted behaviors but instead to be still to simply receive observe and cease to control to no longer make it happen or be all we can be and thus no more create a trance-invoking chain of active engagements or entertainments to feed our restlessness and so by distraction preclude from awareness the realities that we are even now dying and living in all sorts of ways...
5/8/06-Fortuitous churchilian presences too frequently are absent when vitally required cool waitress cute as a hollywood star the universe holographic its contours described as if a two-dimensional coffee cup close by lively hispanic child dances to the muzak a dark worm snake crosses the walk just before me red yellow black brown and white all precious too in my sight sign of a vibrant town jim's mid-morning on a weekday full of happy engaged interactive people multiple cultures races backgrounds ages in pretty woman I like the hotel manager best hot egg whites and liquid glass have a lot in common pete's in austin but has not called the pull not strong enough to overcome the push a gulf between us profound as twixt separate species my restored tooth was left too high oh my shall our kind persist we are not such successful niche holders it would seem as crows crocodiles mice mosquitoes sharks or viruses similar to fireworks we shall flair briefly and disappear there is no deity ordering such things and our destiny except to expire appears far from manifest...
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