February, 2013

2 13

2/2/13 - Title: "Ideal vs. Real"

Scene 1 - My wife, Frances, is about to leave our house for one of her nature-related activities. Instead of, as she usually has done, giving me some idea how long she expected to be away and when to anticipate her return, she pointedly tells me she will just be back when she is through and feels like returning, making it obvious she no longer cares to give me info on her goings and comings, and so won't.

I do not argue with her about this, and hardly could anyway as she is, moments later, driving off in her car, but realize at once that a major change has occurred and that if Fran no longer is willing to coordinate even that much of her schedule with me, she has as much as said she no longer cares about our marriage, that I can take it or leave it, and that's just how it is.

I resentfully consider reactions to the development, including that I too might go off and not return till if and when I feel like without consulting her at all. I realize all my responses are at a disadvantage because reactive to what she has done. The basic issue, instead, I now see, is whether a continued "marriage" under such circumstances, two virtually independent people living under the same roof, in a sense more roommates than marriage partners, is a worthwhile arrangement, and, if I no longer feel it is, what I'll do about that. De facto, our marriage has already ended. I simply must come to terms with that.

Scene 2 - It is daytime, perhaps late afternoon. I am at a busy popular outdoor event, perhaps a fair or carnival, and see Harry and his family. They are obviously having a good, fun time together, enjoying the other people and the various entertainments. They see me and say "Hi," glad to see me in passing, but not caring to stop and visit. I am very away (aware) of their being a happy family together and of my being alone and lonely.

Scene 3 - Again, am in an outdoor popular activity, but it is nighttime, probably late evening. It is in some way a military type environment, for instance a National Guard training area out in the country, yet at the moment also more of a recreational than strictly business military setting. Like at a non-commissioned officer's club, people are "letting their hair down," relating with each other in a relaxed, relatively intimate way, yet even less formal than a club, more like folks being together at an outdoor retreat and at the end of the day around a campfire, once the scheduled activities for the day are over. I am off away from most of the others and talking with a confidante, a nicely built woman, though in uniform, with whom I have a non-sexual friendship. Perhaps it is not entirely non-sexual, for we are lying side by side and she is in my embrace as I tell her what's been going on with me, and as she responds. She is aware of the situation between me and my wife (scene 1) and is trying to help me deal with it. She is empathic but points out that Fran had, for all practical purposes, decided already to end our marriage, and it is now not up to me to "fix" our relationship but only to come to terms with the way things actually already are and, having accepted it, perhaps having grieved over it too if I feel like, then to move on and make the best of things as they are rather than as I wish them to be. I realize she is right. Still, I am sad and longing for a way things could be different, more as I had wanted them to be.

2/13/13 - Title: "I'm Flying"

I am at first "flying," moving about a room in a house, just in the air, and so without use of my legs on the floor, propelled more or less by intention alone, then am explaining to someone what I discovered I could do and demonstrating a bit how I could do this.

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