February, 2014

1 15 28

2/1/14 - Title: "Mom's Not Going Yet"

[I took a short nap this morning and noticed the time on my watch after I had woken from the following brief dream. It was 9:30.]

I had a vivid image of my mom. She was looking quite nice, adorable. Indeed, I had the emotion of love for her. She was also looking small and vulnerable, as though a little afraid. She was in her home, standing, and dressed well, as though about to go somewhere special. She looked me in the eyes from a short distance away and said "I won't be going till after 10."

[Since my mom is 91 years old, it is tempting to think this may have something to do with the real lady who is my mother and that she might be sending a last message, the emotion of the dream then as important as the words, though the timing in that case could have been relevant as well. Chances are, though, when I call her as usual this weekend she'll pick up and we'll have a good chat just as we normally do and that she will not have passed away about 10 AM this morning.

The dream message, if I interpret it, instead of seeing it as a message from or about Mom, is difficult for me to get at this point. Clearly there is caring for this part of me that is my mom anima, there to show by example or counter-example right feeling. I see her as being vulnerable, as in the dream, but also loving, plus tending too much to see herself as a victim. She is as well quite a people person, intelligent, resilient, well read, anxious, and characteristically looks at things from a depressed or glass half-empty point of view. She is independent in some ways yet very dependent in others, an alcoholic too, and quite generous. So, these would be traits I'd want to still keep or be glad to lose, depending, if this part of me is going to leave about 10. Ten could be "amped up" unity or integration, yet could also be progress and success.]

2/15/14 - Title: "Hero or Sucker?"

Scene I - I'm being given some type physical exam, supervised by a physician, but instead of just the usual ten-minute annual physical, this one is prolonged and involves special equipment, restraints, injections, and tests of my reaction times, strength, and values. For instance, at one point it feels as though I have been put into an artificial mechanical harness that reinforces my strength and emotions. It feels sort of like I imagine it might if I'd been working out daily for a year with a personal trainer for guidance, plus given regular shots of extra testosterone and made to feel as though I were younger, tougher, more like a smart college football player or body builder, having the stamina, confidence, and instant reactions of a guy with little self-doubt and a great young body.

The doctor (who reminds me of my previous primary care doctor, Christopher Jones) continues his manipulations or tests without explaining why or anything, but pauses for a moment. I've had enough and break out of my restraints. I tell him I've a problem with his bedside manner and stalk out, still feeling like I have the mechanical reinforcement and weird reactions from the tests or manipulations that the doctor and his team were doing on me.

Scene 2 - A pretty young nurse - reminds me of Dana, a smart, sexy, funny young woman character from years ago on TV sitcoms - rushes after me and asks me to stay in a certain room, saying they were not quite ready - and I'm not quite ready - for the next stage yet, but they'll get things ready. I reluctantly comply but feel I deserve an explanation instead.

Scene 3 - I figure I can just sit and relax or meditate for awhile in this big dark room where the smart attractive funny young nurse had talked with me. However, I see a bunch of other people coming in, like it's now a bar or a club where a lot of young people would hang out, with dates or in drinking groups, after work or school. I wonder if this is the "set" and these the other characters for the part in which I'm to play, for which they were going to get the room ready. Yet it seems real enough, and these people do not appear to be acting.

I overhear the pretty nurse telling someone not to get too close to me and to be careful, that I'm dangerous. I get up and try to investigate (rest forgotten).

Scene 4 - A young man and woman, plus several others, are sitting to my left in the bar or club type place. The man is getting too close to me for my comfort, yet he seems oblivious of me. He says something I don't like, and I grab his beer and throw it halfway across the room before considering what I'm doing, not like me at all.

He acts like somebody who doesn't want to get into a fight, because he's with his date or thinks I'm crazy, and so he says "I'm sorry. I didn't realize there was a problem."

But I'm appalled at my impulsive reaction and peel a $20 bill off the money I had in my (left) pocket and hand it to him and tell him it was my mistake and I hope this covers it.

Yet part of me had been looking for a fight, and I am disappointed the incident ends so easily. I leave, looking for the pretty nurse, wondering what they've done to me, but sort of liking the change too, if I can just get a better balance of inner restraint to match the greater strength, emotion, and quicker reactions I now have.

[I wonder if Dr. Christopher Jones is a version of my higher power (HP), since in the dream he is able to change me to suit his purposes, remove some of my weakness(es), enhance me in certain ways, and has "Christ" in his name.

The references to things being to my left suggest feelings, intuition, or the unconscious.

The whole situation suggests some growth opportunity(ies), which may be related to my still being involved to an uncertain degree in the Austin area Alateen program as a sponsor trainee, though I have significant misgivings about such involvement and am almost as much wanting to end it as continue with it. I believe it is quite possible I am doing it more because I think I "should" than because this is really what I want, what is in my best interest, or what's being true to myself.

From the standpoint of my usual self-concept, the Alateen program involvement is rather risky, and continuing with it probably seems a dangerous thing to be doing. I do feel that others are now being allowed to get too close to me, potentially getting to know my vulnerabilities, and also that I am too susceptible to manipulations by others who want to change me, to make me into someone who will fulfill their expectations, instead of encouraging my doing what's really being true to myself.

There is an addiction involved too - the beer bottle I hurl across the room - in this case likely my compulsion to put others' expectations of me ahead of what genuinely seems best for me, i.e. co-dependence. I try to make amends for tossing aside this addictive co-dependence, and lose some energy (pay $20, which also may mean dawning awareness, amped up) to the shadow character who then may use the energy to renew that addictive attitude/behavior, i.e. continue the co-dependence, wanting to please others (such as my sponsor, the Alateen sponsor trainer, one of the kids' parents, one of the sponsors who's been showing me the ropes in one of the Alateen groups, and the kids themselves) and stay in the Alateen program though I sort of believe - not sure - it is not genuinely a good fit for me.

The reference to "Christ" in the doctor's name could simply be, instead of my HP, a shadow part of me that seeks ways in which to be a martyr (as Jesus was), sacrificing my own healthy needs and wants or self-protection on the alter of doing what others want or expect, seeking their approval, or a misguided assumption about what my HP (in Jesus' case supposedly as his "heavenly father") wants of me, i.e. mistaking a co-dependent projection of my HP's wishes for me for what is actually in my best interest.

P.S. (2/16/14) - After reviewing this dream I realized again that this Alateen business is not for me and let the Alateen group sponsor and my own sponsor know that I do not intend to continue this kind of volunteer involvement. Yet I am quitting it with sadness or grief. I would like to have found a way to have the sense of personal worth, love, and recognition from others that I had, correctly or not, associated with being involved in Alateen.]

2/28/14 - Title: "Big Trouble"

Scene One - It is night. There has already been a lot of violence. I'm not willing to do what some gangland thugs want, and if they catch me there will be a world of hurt. A woman (nice, relatively innocent, naive) is here with me and does not understand the level of danger we are in. I think I am home, but am intending for us to leave soon and hide out, maybe for the rest of our lives.

Scene Two - It is still night. Am still in my house (a much bigger one than my real house). The woman has changed and is now my wife. I explain to her briefly that we need to be on the run, immediately, that we're in terrible trouble if the gangsters/drug cartel people get here before we leave. She gets it and is very afraid. We suddenly hear loud banging. It is so loud it sounds/feels as if the house is shaking. We have a sense of hopelessness. Fran says what no longer needs to be said: "They're here now." I ask her to call 911 and tell the police our house is being invaded and we're probably being kidnapped.

I don't know if she succeeded, but in moments some of the bad guys are in the house and about to confront us. I realize it was stupid to have come back to the house.

The big, fat bully of a head of the drug cartel bad guys is then in front of me. "Your wife, if you care, may come out of this alive. It's up to you. You are already a dead man. And you're both going to endure great pain, more than you can imagine, until we find out what we want to know and you do what I asked. For you, the pain will be much worse. It will go on and on, a landscape of pain, till I have what I want or you die. If you don't cooperate, we'll then do what we have to with your wife. Your choice."

[Of Frances, I'd say she is highly intelligent, very talented, has a keen sense of humor, and can be impatient at times. I do not know the first woman. I think she was relatively young, maybe in her thirties.]

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