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April, 2008

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I'm standing in a white bungalow having an argument or a rant (the words pouring out of me like emotional, free associative verse), thus disturbing my audience of one, an otherwise poised, self-assured, very sharp and chic young woman (Wilma Price) lounging there whose beautiful nude body seems transformed by the (seminal?) words (about sexuality, fecundity, and offspring being formed within and then delivered and suckling on lovely large breasts, so that before our eyes her belly swells, her breasts grow big with milk, ripe for the nursing of her new infants[s]), and her poise turns to an amused chagrin and then a kind of resigned richly content, creative knowing or complacence or readiness at a deep inner and physical level, and her Yuppie nature becomes instead a very earthy symbol of fertility and nurturing motherhood.

Title: "The Garden of Innocence (Inner Sense)"

I'm out in the sun, walking about at a quite large, and largely outdoor, spread (expanse) of a place, the inner and outer structures blending easily and all open air, few if any doors, as in Florida, Mexico, Central America, or some other tropical area tempered by the nearness of the sea. There are naked brown (brown from the sun? Hispanic?) elementary school age children running about, playing. There is hardly a square meter or foot of space that is not richly full of natural art and life. Where I am going now, for instance, the flat walkway stones merge naturally into an area of at least three big swimming pool-sized ponds, with a slow flow or current to, between, and from them, each surrounded by palms, banana trees, vines, flowering tropical plants in profusion, with colorful noisy parrots, monkeys, etc. above or nearby. The pools/ponds themselves are bound by round or organ-shaped shallow white or stucko (stucco) walls or curbs and, within these, they are almost full, with deep dark waters, vast stretches of covering lily pads, elephant ears, and other thickly abundant aquatic plants in supremely good health, while, amid and below their surface shapes, there are snakes, large and small fish, turtles, frogs, and a plentitude of crawling, swimming, or flying insects. I have some worry that one of the kids might fall in as they frolic about, skipping on (over) walking/stepping rocks that make natural circuits through or by the ponds, but the youth seem perfectly at home here, used to running amid the exotic, flourishing extravagance of life.

Title: "What is Mu?"

There are electric ceiling fans turning slowly, two in tandem, so close together it is as though their four-each perpendicular broad flat blades form letters, the calligraphy in large, richly textured tan brush strokes, as if a bigger than life size and mobile version of a Zen book cover, the fans here to direct one's attention to a Koan.

4/3/08 - Yesterday the DG discussed, along with others, my 4/2/08 dreams, "Becoming Mother Earth," The Garden of Innocence (Inner Sense)," and "What is Mu?" Highlights:

• The dreams are all kind of "trippy," maybe due to colds medication I have been taking for my throat condition and/or to Vitamin B12 (sublingual) meds I use once a day.

• The dreams, taken together, were felt to be quite hopeful and optimistic, suggesting a green (or encouragement for and safe to "go!") overall message.

• They are a celebration of That Which Is, of staying and being alive, vitality, new beginnings, springtime, and finding and experiencing great positive transformation.

• They focus too on sexuality, fertility, pregnancy, earthiness, creativity, motherhood, the yin energy, the anima, or the essence of a feminine side of things, the unconscious, intuition, depth, insight, playfulness in a free spirited way, innocence, development of one's inner sense, being uninhibited, genuineness, and the potential for integration between the seminal, male energy yang aspects of self, that make things happen, and the inner female, from and within whom wonderful things may grow, be born, and receive nurturing.

• There are several elementary school age children running and frolicking about in the nude, which may represent my own au naturale, favored, and nurtured projects (my creative "children").

• The dreams may bespeak a more emotional than rational orientation, but if so these are healthy, positive passions on display.

• There are some cautionary signals: the words "curbs," "stucko," "walls," and "shallow" suggesting limitations in some inner aspects that may in time be overcome.

• There are also, besides abundant transformation, dawning awareness and manifestation in reality, indicated respectively by: three pools or ponds, two fans, four fan blades (and references to a [four-sided] square meter or foot).

• The answer to the koan suggested in the final 4/2/08 dream is likely to be an encompassing unification, a depth of insight or intuition in which the oneness of all is perceived and one may also at once comprehend the rational and what is before and beyond reason.

• The last dream suggests too at least an intellectual getting of the picture ("in large, richly textured tan brush strokes").

• The "fans" are not simply electric ceiling fans but one's inner dream realm fans, here to direct one's attention to (answering) a koan, solving an essential riddle of the meaning and purpose of one's existence, of life. They may also represent other dream group members or meditation group members, family, or friends, whomever one might see and legitimately classify as one's supporters or fans, out to see that (or hope for) the best is happening to one.

• The pool/ponds are organic (organ-shaped), and so likely healthier. And they and their surroundings are teeming with colorful, supremely healthy life.

• Early in the first dream I seem to have inner transformative, almost godlike powers and am standing in a white [bun]galow (glow). In the second, at the outset I am "in the sun," seeming to reinforce this idea, as if I might even, in a sense, possess some divinity or, more likely, have the ability to radiate light or understanding (similar to recent dream interpretation "I Ching" hexagram meanings).

• There is good integration already: "the inner and outer structures blending easily."

• An emphasis on underlying intuitive or "unconscious" energy is further stressed by the "nearness of the sea."

• The anima, here Wilma Price, offers right feeling: poised, self-assured, genuine or without guile or hidden aspects (nude) and so innocent, sexual (earthy), fertile, nurturing, amused, resigned, richly content, and receptive or ready at both deep inner and physical levels.

• There are several references to electric, circuits, or current.

• "Before our eyes" (the transformation occurs) could also mean "before our egos (I's)".

• "Yuppie nature" might also suggest "yippee nature."

• The word "tempered" suggests being hardened or made stronger.

• The second dream, "The Garden of Innocence," may be a place of multiple puns: "The Garden of 'In a Sense' (so to speak)."

4/6/08 - Title: "A Useless, Missing Map, a Flood, and an Angry Boss"

I am at work, but the office is laid out (arranged) like a classroom, with rows of chair desks such as one might sit in at the university. My desk chair is about 4th down in the first row on the left. I have friends in the center. My boss, Harold Pritcher, is temporarily away. A guy I know from the director's office comes in, walks up to me, and asks where have I been, saying they've missed me at the paper. I'm confused, thinking he was from the director's office, but now he's talking about my (volunteer?) job as a journalist (reporter), where I had also been active once in organizing a union. He gives me a big, bright yellow, folded and laminated (Texas) map and says I am to help find (something). Since Harold is away, I cannot ask his permission to leave my regular work, but I figure it is OK since the director wants me to do this, so I take off, carrying the big map. But when I open the map, to try to figure out how to go about the search, it is HUGE, many feet or meters wide and long. I do not see how I'll be able to fold it back up, much less use it.

(new scene) The linoleum or tile floor under my friends' desk chairs (at the center of the classroom office) begins to get wet, water seeping up from below. Then it is coming in still more, creating a small flood. I go to investigate what is causing the flooding. My search takes me to a dark, subterranean area of big machinery. Inside one great machine, I discover that a multitude of fluffy, stuffed, Teddy bears (each in one of several colors: pink, purple, brown, green, blue, red, yellow, etc.) are caught in the machinery and have stopped up the flow pipes. They are all darker than usual due to being waterlogged (soaked) as I pull them out one by one, dripping and sopping wet, or see them in their scores or hundreds, piled up in the machinery and full of water.

(another scene) I'm just back in the classroom workplace, but Harold, my boss, has returned moments before me, and he notices as I walk back in that I have been away without permission. He gives me a jaundiced look. I can tell he is pissed and trying to decide whether to say anything about it to me or simply resent what he assumes is my insubordination or slacking off. I figure I had better explain that the director's office had asked me to go while he had been away. Then I realize I have lost the big map.

(Harold was my supervisor [and later also my director, a position above several supervisors] for many years when I worked for the state [Texas] as a disability examiner. At his best, he is smart, diplomatic, and has a good sense of humor, but he can also be a real hard ass. Once, when stressed out by the illness and death of a younger brother, the last of his whole family to die before him, he almost fired me, furious that I would not rat on another employee whom he had been wanting to fire. Later, he mellowed out quite a bit, but it is the younger, more volcanic Harold supervising in this dream.)

4/7/08 - Yesterday the DG discussed, along with others, my 4/6/08 dream, "A Useless, Missing Map, a Flood, and an Angry Boss." Highlights:

• Themes of this dream are a search or quest to find my true self, connecting better with my emotions, blocks to getting on with my life, and self-doubt or inferiority feelings (with sensitivity to the real or imagined negative attitudes of others) reminiscent of relationships with my father and certain others.

• All three parts of the dream apparently take place in one or another work setting, the work in this case likely that of gradually integrating and realizing more perfectly my true self. In two of the scenes, it is also like a classroom, suggesting that learning is going on as part of the work.

• At one point I am called upon by someone I know from "the director's office" to search for something outside the classroom work setting, and I think I am to use a map he gives me. However, this bright yellow map, that presumably lays out in clear, black lines the routes to follow in my search, turns out ironically to be uselessly unwieldy and cumbersome. I cannot even figure out how to fold it back up. Once opened, it is just a big amorphous yellow mass or pile that takes up almost half of a small room! Then it is forgotten there and so is missing later.

• That it is useless and then lost is just as well, for it would seemingly be a highly analytical tool, in keeping with my preferred mode of operating in the world, a very rational, logical, yang approach to things, divorced from most emotions or from the lyrical, artistic, holistic, intuitive outlook more consistent with the yin side of one's nature. It is a reprieve that it is useless and then lost. The quest is almost certainly not one to be accomplished mainly by my more rational side. Like a Zen koan, its fulfillment will probably depend on an "arational" approach. As indicated years ago in a transactional analysis group, my rational "programs" also may not really be best for me. That group suggested, and the DG confirms, the better "program" for me would be to have no program, a "13th step" beyond the most famous (AA) 12-step program.

• It may be significant that there is also from the director's office, though, a remark that they have missed me at the paper, where I was a volunteer journalist. This may be a reference to my habit over the years of putting pen to paper and keeping a journal, though lately I have neglected this pastime substantially, compared with how I used to write frequent and sometimes lengthy entries. In another dream interpretation, as well as in counseling while I was working on my masters degree, there were mentions of my journal keeping being an aid to the inner quest or project of integration, realization, and release of insights or personal power. Perhaps the dream "creators" are suggesting it would be well in future to get back to this hobby.

• My friends are in the center of the work/classroom setting, likely a happy circumstance, indicating I am to a degree centered and in good balance.

• The flood that begins to be apparent at the center represents the intrusion of emotional content or material from the unconscious.

• Bright yellow can be at once a symbol of happy, sunny tidings, a caution sign, and indicative of fear. A jaundiced look would be one of suspicion, doubt, cynicism, bitterness, and ill-will.

• There is a delightful contrast between the dark, purely mechanistic, subterranean machinery, including one great machine, and the scores or hundreds of cute and cuddly Teddy bears in many bright colors and full of (dripping with) emotion, that are now gumming up the works ("gummy bears").

• These "bears" are more in one's control and much easier to deal with than actual bears that may terrifyingly come at us with vast anger or rage (as one's parents may have seemed when we were very little). They render the possibly overwhelming enormity of repressed, volatile feelings into comfortingly child's toy-like stand-ins for the real thing. And their colorful nature (even pinks and purples!) reflects an openness to the traditionally feminine, creative, or artistic side of things.

• It was noted that I doggedly, methodically was removing the Teddy bears from the machinery works, one by one, a highly positive approach that would yield healthy returns in unblocking the "pipes" of life's flow. This was seen as analogous to my meditation or dream work efforts. I was encouraged to do more of the same, maybe even focusing on or imagining, as one focus for my meditation efforts, pulling out the bright, "gummy," waterlogged bears from my inner machinery.

• Recently, I was sent a long list of Austin's meditation groups. I was greatly encouraged by this, feeling optimistic at this bright and happy development. Since I had been feeling some reservations about the meditation group I have been in for the last few weeks, I was thinking maybe I ought to find another group (or groups) that would suit my personality better. And surely in all these 15 or so different Austin groups I could find one that matches my temperament to a T and would be the golden road to achieving meditation goals! But the prospect of searching for the ideal meditation group with which to find my true self seems about as daunting as using a bright yellow but huge map that, once opened, I cannot even fold back into its proper place and shape.

• As the DG pointed out, though, one will have some reservations about most everything! Instead of the useless task of endlessly searching for the perfect way or group or spouse or job or house or place to live, etc., it might be better to proceed right from where one is and in the circumstances in which one finds herself or himself.

• The fact that my desk chair is 4th in the row may indicate manifestation in reality, a fairly stable, well balanced position, analogous to a table sitting securely on its four legs.

• Reference to my once having successfully helped organize a union is a hopeful indication that I have experience in creating unions, or joinings, such as I now seek, through the integration of heretofore disparate selves, to achieve within.

• My supervisor's name, Harold, may "herald" a need for a new relationship with my shadow, one in which I am no longer so intimidated by him but instead the qualities of "me and my shadow" in our polarities may be better merged, so that I do not see myself as much in the powerless victim role, nor the shadow (or others in the real world) so much in the bully or victimizing role either.

• Both this shadow and I have had to watch a younger brother, and other close relatives, die from severe illnesses. Grieving over these lost ones may be something at least that we have in common, perhaps one foundation for a new, more compassionate understanding between these aspects of the larger self.

• There is hope in the description (at the end of the dream) of my former supervisor, for he became more mellow in time, giving up most or all of his more volcanic, younger nature, and he is now smart, diplomatic, and possessed of a good sense of humor.

4/8/08 - Title: "My Wife's Shifted Position"

[Frances and I have been taking an afternoon nap.]

I wake up on hearing what seems like Fran's intake of breath and perhaps a very mild groan, as though she is having another cramp in one of her legs. (She gets leg cramps, mostly when we are napping, about once every few weeks.) Then I hear her abruptly shifting her position next to me. I look over at her side of the bed and am surprised to see her now doubled up, her legs still downward but her rear up near the head of the bed and her torso completely bend (bent) over from the waist, so she is resting with her stomach, chest, and head down over her long legs, on a pillow positioned lengthwise over them. (She has always been limber.) Her head is now down lying over her shins and facing my direction. I say something like: "You OK?" It takes a moment for her to realize I'd spoken to her, but then she opens her eyes, looks at me, and slowly nods, saying only a soft "Uh-huh." Her eyes close again. I think she must still be half-asleep. Maybe she was even still sleeping as she had changed position and had not had a cramp after all. So I just lie there awake a few more moments, wondering if I feel like getting up.

[Then the phone rings, in reality, and Fran gets it, as it is near her side of the bed. After the call, which was for me, I ask her why she had been resting that way. But she said she had not, that she'd been asleep till the phone rang and then got up from her usual position, with her head on the pillow, up by the top of the bed. Sure enough, there is her pillow next to mine. I must have dreamed the whole shifted position sequence.]

4/9/08 - Yesterday the DG discussed, along with others, my 4/8/08 dream, "My Wife's Shifted Position." Highlights:

• The themes are of a new paradigm (a shifted stance, outlook, or position) for my anima, here in the guise of my wife, Frances, and of great flexibility demonstrated, her lesson to me of correct feeling.

• The real Fran has competence in the external realm at least as great as my talents for the inner world, and she has been focusing on cultivating it for a very long time (just as I, by contrast, have been focusing on the inner realms for several decades). She is brilliant, perhaps almost a genius, in her mastery of the natural world through observations, classifications, photography, music, crafts, etc. Thus, the outer, external, or natural world in all its aspects is her "bent."

• Considering that my own bent is the introspective, particularly through journalizing, dream work, essays, poetry, meditation, counseling, and the like and she is little "into" these things, she is quite tolerant of my own predilections. I am learning to be but as yet perhaps am not so easygoing about her preferred activities, when they result in at least the appearance of more distance between us, with less quality time, fewer shared friends and activities, diminished intimacy, etc. This is a way she shows more flexibility, and how my Fran anima may have a lesson to teach the ego.

• On the other hand, as it is usually interpreted in our culture, she comes across as somewhat masculine in her reactions, talents, independence, style of thinking (T on the T vs. F scale of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator), and such.

• I have the choice of seeing this as a threat (as in "How can I be masculine enough if my wife in some ways is coming across - in traditional terms - as 'the man of the house'?") or of releasing those kinds of comparing and contrasting biases and prejudices and of simply accepting things as they are, the reality, and not cause for alarm, so nothing must be different, our expectations are just our expectations, not the law or in any way how things must be, and so everything can still be and is OK.

• The true and dream Fran may not now be the same. In some ways the dream anima may be manifesting more flexibility that my wife actually does. Even if they are quite similar, there is no reason not to accept a lesson that comes from my wife simply due to having, when in the throws of an inferiority complex still lingering from the relationship with a bullying Papa, at times felt intimidated by her strengths.

• It is much easier to say than to reflect in actual emotions and actions, but each person may be seen as perfect, just as he or she is. Nobody must necessarily change in order to fulfill some cultural, familial, gender, or other stereotype.

• Nonetheless, whether due to such concerns as those above or merely because we are both first born children (who tend to have control issues when in a marriage together), Frances and I, like so many married couples or other longstanding roommates, do have concerns and frictions over relative power or dominance. These will play out just as they will. They probably will not go away because there is awareness of them. They may not retain so much of their sting or ability to push our buttons, however, as there is more meditation practice or otherwise the insight that they need not necessarily "get to me." The option is there to simply observe, without reacting so much to them. It is a gradual, imminently worthwhile, healthy process!

• As things stand, I perceive Frances as impatient and "abrupt," particularly when we have conflicts. She likely does not see me in the best light at such times, or her own position otherwise with great objectivity, on such occasions any more than I do.

• Nonetheless, there is in this dream a doubling ("doubled up"), which is positive and indicates dawning awareness.

• It is also positive that the ego acquires a greater level of understanding ("I wake up...").

• That Fran's "rear" (what is normally behind us and out of our sight) is now up in the head position is indicative of the shadow, emotional, intuitive, and normally unconscious aspects getting more attention.

• The reference to "waist" may signify the need to get rid of the waste, or what is of no value.

• Like most everyone, there are ways I wish to hide from others and myself the complete, unvarnished truth, things I do not feel all that secure about or proud of within myself. In maintaining and putting sometimes even great energy into a fake persona, seeking to protect the falsehoods from real, imagined, and possible criticisms or embarrassment, I am lying ("I just lie there") rather than being fully awakened (and aroused to get up out of the phoniness) by my anima's new and more flexible shift of position.

4/14/08 - Title: "Learning How to Deny Again"

I have been away from (my disability examiner) work a long time but am now again back and having to prepare PDNs (personalized denial notices). The computer codes and canned phrases for these (misnamed) notices have changed while I've been away, so now a woman is showing me how to get the first one done. I can hopefully use it as an example for doing others on my own afterward.

Title: "A Small Win in the Greater War"

I am in a combat setting, the conflict occurring close to home (perhaps in or near Austin). I am driving a vehicle captured back from an enemy force which occupies most of the local area. I had pretended to be one of the enemy, or at least one of the pacified occupied population in order to get close enough to take one of the vehicles. There was quite a bit of danger, but I felt excited and triumphal once I was stealing it back and then successfully pulling away with it and getting onto a big highway (that goes by the left or west side of the occupied territory). There will no doubt be a huge, quite dangerous battle (conflict) later, but for now I have this small personal victory.

4/15/08 - Title: "Abandoned in Lost Identity Hell"

I'm in a lost identity hell. It's a vast featureless indoor plane (plain?), most of which is utterly dark, where only here and there a spot-light creates an island of visibility in the void of identity-less insignificance. While briefly in the light, I try repeatedly to convince others to help me find my identity. It is assumed, once one is here, that he or she belongs here. Unless one not only remembers her or his identity but finds the record of it here, for which help is needed from the professional staff (some of whom are corrupt, petty, or bullies and will deliberately destroy or "lose" an identity just out of meanness or spite), then ("the damned") resident, inpatient, or inmate (even if not truly deserving or needing to be here) can and probably will rot here or (Catch-22) be frantic till losing the mind and thus the identity, and so be here forever in any case.

There are also noxious substances that can either cause or greatly increase the odds of identity loss. One is found in computers: silicon or a silicon-like powder. It is a formless gray or black fine dust and can be breathed in easily, leading to throat or lung diseases that are difficult or impossible to cure, or that can get into the brain and cause it to gradually cease functioning (and so mimic dementia or Alzheimer's disease).

While here trying to establish my identity, so people will see I do not belong here, I encounter and accidentally breathe in some of the fine black powder or dust and develop some of its typical symptoms, forgetfulness and bronchial or lung disease. Besides having memory problems, my ability to breath is greatly reduced.

In frustration and anger, I yell at one of the social workers here. As a result, she makes sure my identity file disappears.

In addition, after I tried to get him to vouch for me, one of the people I had befriended here instead deliberately lies and tells the staff that he does not know me, thereby assuring he will soon be discharged. Indeed, he is on his way out.

4/19/08 - Title: "Wet Dreaming"

I'm dressed but standing in a shower stall reading a magazine or something, as if on a commuter train instead, meanwhile absently stroking gently the front of my pants, but then to my surprise get a wet feeling and, looking down, realize where I had been rubbing was over my penis. The wetness, however, feels more like water than semen, or else a mixture of both, but not much of the latter, and I still have a hardon under my khaki trousers. Then I notice that the shower is on, its water pouring over me from the shower head, and that I am getting drenched, so now it is not just around the penis that is wet. As I'm already taking a shower, it makes no sense to be dressed, so I take my clothes off, leaving them in a wet pile outside the stall. I still have the hardon, and I wish I were not alone but showering there with an equally turned on woman.

Title: "Ron May Need Them a LOT Right Now"

Ron has been trying his darnedest to begin a new emotional romantic relationship with a woman (a single mom) with a young (elementary school age) boy. He likes them both very much and they appear to really like him, but as usual Ron has trouble expressing himself in a way that doesn't scare people off. Fran and I have gone over (for a visit?) to her house. Ron is there too, as well as her boy. During our visit, we are saying our "Goodbyes" (good buys?) to the woman, while Ron is beyond a thin wall on the other side of the house (or in his part of a duplex).

Somehow we have also discovered Ron's surprise for the woman or boy: it is a still secret project under one of the beds and involves something that looks like a folded or rolled up kite draped over two stacks each of yellow legal pads. There are also several magic markers around in different colors.

As we are saying "Goodbye," the woman opens up to us about her fears of Ron and sometimes just not understanding where he is coming from. But Fran and I tell her the key to Ron is he is all heart and that we know he loves her and the boy, even if he has not been able to say it so she can understand. Her eyes light up and also tear up, like she finally "gets it" and is greatly moved.

Just then, Ron barges in and hugs me and Fran and says "That's it! You were just so right, what you said. I could hear through the wall." And he is beaming. So, we start to leave, thinking we have just performed this great service as successful matchmakers.

But then it turns out the woman had already made plans she cannot cancel to move away to a place like Kansas where (for some reason) Ron cannot follow, and, besides, there are still some basic incompatibilities between them, so it just would not work, even though she is terribly moved and touched to see that Ron is not some weirdo but instead only a big bear of a really nice and loving guy who means well, but often can't get it out (show it) right.

Ron is then crushed and incoherent in his sadness, anger, or fear. He desperately wants to convey his feelings in an acceptable way, to get them out, but is feeling all the awful passions he usually fears to express lest they be too much for others or himself to handle. And the woman is feeling badly for him and wants to hear him, though it is still certain she and the boy will soon be leaving without him.

As we are heading out, I remember the secret gift and implore the boy (Ron and the woman being elsewhere) to look under that bed and take the tablets he'll find there to Ron. The boy doesn't get it at first, but I explain again till he does and, almost yelling, I say "Ron may need them a LOT right now!" Then as we leave the boy runs off to find them, bring them back, and give them to Ron.

4/20/08 - Title: "Close Encounter of the Horrible Kind - Too Big to Flush"

I've just taken a big dump, but have not yet flushed the toilet. I see a large amount of soft fecal material in the bowl. It moves a little, independently. Then a length of it rears up. I call Fran in to look at this. We watch as it rises up several inches. A fascinating phenomenon, she thinks. We are wondering how it does that. It is to me also a shocking, chilling thing to see. It moves still more, up almost a foot from the water's surface. There is a kind of hook to the top part of it as though it were a head (that is, the head of something covered with the feces). Then I notice, on the "under" side, a place a few inches long that is bare of crap. There are clearly delineated fleshy or muscular forms and striations to a body there, as on a big worm. It seems gross to realize there may be some very well developed worm that was inside me and that now is here in the toilet bowl, or even more to think there may be such worms still in me. But then we realize this could not be a worm (so no more concern they are still in me). It is far too large, maybe at least two inches across and well over a foot long. It is more like the body of the baby alien, in the movie of the same name. So far we have not seen the alien's head and face, still concealed in the shit, but already the implications are disgusting and horrifying. I rush over and flush the toilet, but the mass of organic material, shit plus monster, clog up the drain so it does not go down.

4/21/08 - Yesterday, when I arrived at the DG meeting, our leader was showering and changing clothes after having rescued and cleaned up a stray dog. Since she would not be able to start the meeting on time, she had left word that I was to lead once I got there (about 5 minutes late myself, for a change). This was a surprise, but I did alright, I think. Later, she showed up and took over. Then once it was my turn the DG discussed my 4/20/08 dream, "Close Encounter of the Horrible Kind - Too Big to Flush." Highlights:

• A main theme of the dream may be my concern over a substance (phlegm, at least, and possibly something else) in my throat (alimentary canal) that I have been dealing with now for at least a couple months and think may be due to infection, but possibly to cancer, which, indeed, I would regard as an alien entity inside me.

• The DG suggested, based on my description, the problems are more likely due to infection than cancer. This was a relief. They also gave a tip about an alternative medicine doctor I might consult, whose recommendations are often more helpful than those of physicians. Since my luck with acupuncture was good, I am more receptive now to other forms of alternative medicine and so will give this a try. Meanwhile, I also have another appointment with my primary care physician later this week.

• Another, more Jungian theme of this dream may be getting out into the open the "monster" of my "gut" emotional reactions, which I imagine as like another being, a destructive and devilish one, living inside me, that is virtually pure hatred, or a repressed blend of rage, terror, and extreme grief.

• The DG suggested my dream probably has exaggerated the hellishness of this assumed inner "monster," and that, in any case, it is good that I have begun to get it out where it can be seen for whatever it really is.

• I am a little ashamed at the start of my dream's interpretation to be describing such gross filth, etc., so that I begin to blush or flush a little, though I think I am too big to flush (that people as old as I am should not still be showing they are embarrassed). But the DG just treats all this lightly, like a joke, so I lose my shyness and discomfort about it.

• The leader suggested I be sure to do all that is needed to take care of or protect myself physically, but then I can begin to deal more with the emotional material or "shit" indicated by the dream.

• It was noted that in this dream my anima, in the guise of Frances, is, as in life, primarily a thinker (re the thinking vs. feeling Myers Briggs Type Indicator scale), while I am mainly a feeler.

• These different aspects complement one another in dream and life. So, as we are considering the moving shit more objectively, as "a fascinating phenomenon," I am seeking Fran's outlook or opinion, getting her more objective, thinker take on it. But there is also the more subjective, feeling aspect reaction that I contribute to analyzing the situation, "a shocking, chilling thing."

• It is quite appropriate that I take advantage of the divergent talents of my anima vs. my ego in this way, while keeping them separate and independent.

• Roughly 70% of men are thinkers vs. feelers (again, in terms of the MBTI), and for women the proportions are the opposite. So cultural conventions or stereotypes sometimes lead people to think feeling men and thinking women are feminine and masculine, respectively. Actually, all men and women are both thinking and feeling, just as all are both masculine and feminine to some degree, and the reality is that each person has a unique profile of more this and less that, independent of whatever others believe about them. So, in most cases (for the proportion of people with a same sex preference is fairly small) women are heterosexual even if they are predominantly thinkers and most men also heterosexual even if mainly feelers.

• One's sexual identity, then, is not really in doubt by virtue of being in the minority for one's gender on the MBTI scale, though this is a common mistake that we can even see being played out in current presidential politics, Senator Obama being seen as more feeling, so people question if he has the balls to lead in a crisis, while Senator Clinton is seen as more thinking, so people assume she is a dyke!

• In my dream, it is apparent there is still a big mess with which to deal. In Jungian terms, this is an inner mess, yet I need not be impatient for, ready or not, it is coming out to be dealt with!

• There is also, in the toilet flushing, the idea of a tornado or vortex of change or of a chakra, in this case, though, one that is blocked from occurring by the volume of the repressed material needing to be dealt with first.

• Comically and synchronistically enough, after I had gone to the bathroom (while at the DG), a live TX worm snake showed up on the tiles of the bathroom, found there by the next person to use the toilet, as if to symbolize the repressed material that I was now more healthily beginning to deal with, but which was in reality a much smaller "monster" than I had imagined in my dreaming awareness.

• Other associations from the dream included that the water in the commode represents the unconscious, intuitive, or emotional, and that the baby "alien" may represent rebirth. I have not yet seen this baby's face and head, still covered in the fertile shit of creativity and new life. It is possible that, once the feces is cleaned off, this new form will turn out to be a rather human child after all, one needing my nurturance and love.

• The reference to "two inches" suggests dawning awareness.

• I have taken a dump (elimination of, dropping a big load of), of repressed material, out into the feminine or bowl, where it can be processed, dealt with via the intuition or insight of the yin side of my nature, and appropriate action then taken.

• The creature plus shit combination are both recognized as being "a mass of organic material," hence holistic and not alien to life.

• In some ways the baby "alien" reminds of an aborted fetus, yet one that is already mature and "well developed" enough to have independent life outside the "womb."

4/24/08 - Title: "What is Flodase and What Happens Next in the Elevator?"

It is late at night or very early morning, maybe 3-4 (transformation and manifestation in reality) AM. I'm doing my best to stay awake, but am feeling really tired. It seems I've been doing various things alone and now am finally ready to go to bed in another building. This one is large and somewhat in disarray, as though abandoned in the aftermath of a party.

A young girl, maybe elementary school age, comes in and asks me for something. I do not understand what she wants. A woman whom I take to be her mother also shows up. She seems a little impatient or put out, as though dealing with the kid, especially at this time of night, is just too much!

She asks me where the Flodase (or some such) mouthwash is. I look about the rather disordered mess, do not see it, and so say I do not know and wish her luck finding it. Somehow, in an aggressive search she is able to locate an aqua blue liquid bottle of Flodase (or a similar name) and then uses some like an ordinary Listerine or other mouthwash.

I figure I'll try it too. (I think I do, but...) I do not notice that it does anything special for me. I wonder why the lady was so particular about that kind.

Then I've left, apparently on the way to my residence. There is just a vague recollection of a small elevator scene in which I am riding at very close quarters with an attractive younger woman. Somehow, the front of my pants gets caught on her dress, so that we must at least partially undress to get disconnected. We take off our outer garments, careful as we do so not to tear the clothes as they are still caught together.

Last night, the DG discussed my 4/19/08 dream, "Ron May Need Them a LOT Right Now." Highlights:

• The dream may be about integration vs. alienation and acceptance vs. rejection among the inner or dream cast of characters. It also may involve a powerful dysfunctional shadow aspect, Ron (older shadow energy), and the need to dis-empower "him" by first accepting and acknowledging him just as he is.

• There is "a single mom" shadow (second anima of mine) of the primary anima, Fran. She would seem to have characteristics complementary to Fran's. Whereas Fran tends to be supportive, brilliant, loyal, funny, yet impatient, not too concerned with "meaningfulness," not very sensitive or nurturing, a thinker (on the "MBTI"), more concerned with short-term happiness and satisfactions, not much into her feelings, and not particularly empathic, the single mom is serious, sensitive, patient, caring about both Ron and her young boy (new shadow energy), into understanding things and people deeply, a feeler (on the "MBTI") with a passionate, empathic nature, and willing to make crucial decisions based on the long-term values.

• Ron is a feeler as well (on the "MBTI"). Indeed, he shows very little restraint of his feelings, which too often have gotten the better of him and lead him to unfortunate choices, for which little thought had been given. He is isolated and deeply hurting. Ron is also damaged, by either manic depression or a severe depressive disorder, a history of closed head injuries (organic brain damage), and post traumatic stress disorder from abuse received as he was growing up around our dad. It is too bad, but - unlike me the DG suggests - there is not much chance Ron will be able to get well, be much better integrated, and made whole.

• The yellow legal pads likely relate to journals. Since they are under a bed, it is reasonable to assume they have to do with dream journals. Regarding the secret project or surprise, the suggestion is that by soaring or flying, as does a kite, within my dream realm experiences, my shadow Ron (and I) can gain freedom from some of the dysfunctional complexes that seem so limiting at times in the real world, and that through the dream groups and dream journal I can approach a healthier outlook and adaptability.

• The yellow legal pads also represent my regular journal, kept in the last several years on yellow legal tablets or pads, then transcribed over to the computer and put online. I have been keeping such personal journals for decades, back in fact nearly forty years with existing records, though there were still earlier journals as well (most of which earliest ones, however, did not survive).

• The suggestion is that the legal pad writing is not just a hobby but a valuable means, along with meditation and dream work, of accessing deeper levels of my being or awareness and achieving key breakthroughs, meanings, and integrations that would be less likely without all three of these (transformative) tools.

• The insight that the Ron shadow is not just a weirdo but has deep, heartfelt passions, except he has trouble showing them in an acceptable way, seems to get through a "wall," not merely a sound barrier but an emotional one.

• One DG member felt the dream has a strong suggestion of a divorce mentality. I could not relate to that except that married couples may think in private of divorce at one time or another. Fran might even have been thinking of it recently for all I know, but the divorce idea did not resonate for me, other than as couples may fantasize something like that in the middle of an argument or its aftermath from time to time. More likely, if that is a legitimate interpretation, it has to do with my inner cast of dream characters (or aspects of the larger self). Certainly, it feels as though the Ron shadow is being presented with a divorce-like situation, as he has all too often been in real life.

• Kansas, to which the single mom intends to go (without Ron, who cannot go there because he is too broken) may be a pun suggesting that it is appropriate to have a bit of attitude, i.e. "Can sass!"

• But even more significantly, it is the home that Dorothy begins from, though then not fully appreciating it, and returns to with the motto "There's no place like home!" Only now she greatly appreciates what she has, after her adventures in The Land of Oz, which is a place very like the dream realm, or realms accessible through intense meditation.

• In that alternate reality, just as in this dream, there are big issues of heart, brain, and courage.

• It can be argued that the dream anima, Fran, is foremost in her brain but not so much in her heart ("If I only had a heart!"), while the older shadow, Ron, is mostly in his heart but is sort of lacking a brain ("If I only had a brain!"), while I have heart and brain but lack real self-confidence or courage, as symbolized in this dream by the (excessive?) caution yellow of the writing tablets ("If I only had the nerve!").

• One dream group member suggests I challenge the dream creator to fix me or kill me off, which she says has numerous times gotten her through an impasse because she has really meant it! In this case, the main players are not working well together, so within the dream realm at least one must go and/or all must change to a healthier version. So, which will it be? There are only three choices: dysfunctional anima; dysfunctional shadow; or dysfunctional ego. At least one must be killed off or transformed!

• Ron is described as a big bear, reminiscent of the multiple little Teddy bears in another recent dream, a cuddly, comforting form of the scary emotions, like anger. Similarly, in another dream the Teddy bears had multiple colors but here there are multiple magic markers in different colors.

• The reference to the tablets toward the end, in the last paragraph, that are to be given to Ron by the young boy, may suggest that, as in real life, Ron apparently needs medication (prescription tablets) to stay in better balance.

• There also may be a biblical meaning to parts of the dream. The tablets may be like those that were given to Moses by God, with Ten (a symbol of unity, oneness) Commandments or some dream realm equivalent to directives from on high, in this case from the highest self (or Highest Self, if one prefers).

• And the capitalized and so emphasized word "LOT," that appears twice (dawning awareness) suggests the fate of Lot's wife who could not simply leave the prior arrangement behind but would cling to it, her attachment however leading to death as a pillar of salt. When it is time for a major change, just get on with it and don't look back!

• There are also masculine vs. feminine issues. The ego feels the single mom would be more compatible because less tending to try to dominate, more traditionally feminine. Yet the ego is also not fully confident in his own masculinity, seeing that of his spouse as competitive rather than a complement to his nature, while, ironically, she sees him at times as too into imposing his will on situations or controlling in their living arrangements.

• Another meaning to the phrase "a single mom" might be that, Ron, the older shadow, needs to settle for just one single mother figure or maternal substitute, rather than seeking mothering in a quite needy way from whichever adult female involvement(s) he has.

• This highlights, or can segue into, another aspect of the dream, that the ego and Ron are not merely in base relief, like two yin or yang halves of a whole, but also each are missing something, probably a sense of having been truly loved when growing up. Well, that is just a reality, that there was not enough genuine love in offer when we were growing up in that neurotic family. The question then is how one deals with that. Does one stay neurotic too for the rest of one's life? Or does he "Just get over it!"? Or take drugs the rest of one's life? Or is there a fourth way, for instance through dream work, journalizing, and/or intense meditation, to deal with it in a healthier, more integrative way, and so find the needed inner resources?

• One DG leader points out that, against initial appearances, at the end, which matters more in a dream than the middle portions, Ron and the single mother are together, and the young boy is running to get him what he needs. Things may not completely work out, but there at least is a hopeful indication at the dream's conclusion.

• It is considered important to defuse the Ron shadow aspect (and all similarly dysfunctional but powerful inner aspects), not by rejecting him (or them) but by more fully addressing, acknowledging, or accepting him (them) or, as in insight meditation, simply observing till their energy or capacity to push our buttons or "make us" be angry, fearful, judgmental, or sad around them in real life, or in remembering or considering them, is discharged and we can consider them with ease, equanimity, no longer negatively engaged.

4/26/08 - Title: "Starting O-o-ver!"

(Before this dream as well as those in the next entry, when going to sleep, I had asked for a dream without the dysfunctional ego, shadow, or anima, even if it meant I would have to die. It later turned out that Janet, one of the DG leaders, had actually meant I was to tell my ego I must change to get rid of the dysfunctions keeping me from understanding certain dreams, even if it killed me, a rather different thing. But they may be useful in any case, as demonstrations of what dreams and my interior dynamics might be like with less apparent dysfunction, i.e. as models for living the inner life in a more fulfilling, healthy, and integrated way.)

I'm about 30 and arrive for a special weekend with my honey, a buxom teenage beauty who looks like she maybe could lose about 10-20 pounds but is certainly nicely curved in all the right places.

The huge house of 3-4 stories and multiple rooms where we are staying seems empty at first when I get there, but then I discover that not only my honey but also several of her and my relatives are there already.

This is a surprise to me, but then my sort of bubble-headed honey reminds me, as though my memory loss were just a big joke I've been playing, that of course everyone would show up, for our wedding!

I play along, then, but she must think my heart is not in it because she says, as though we were just considering whether or not to go to a movie, that, if I didn't feel like it, we could call the wedding off and just kind of hang out together instead, eyeing the big old fashioned bed in our huge otherwise vacant bedroom.

"Oh no," I say, "I definitely want to get married," but I realize while saying it that its' more to keep from disappointing her and that hanging out in that bed really appeals to me more. She seems so childishly pleased by my answer, though, and so cute, in a 15-year-old girl way that I kiss her, which leads to a long, breathless, mutually horny smooch. But eventually she comes up for air and suggests maybe we ought to get dressed for the wedding as it's due to start any second.

I'm playing along as best I can with this impromptu wedding weekend I've dropped into, but do not remember any of it from before, the house, the bubbly broad, the wedding plans, etc. I'm a little shocked people have been waiting on us while my honey and I have been making out. "Oh, it's OK," she says. "They know why we're late. It's all on closed-circuit TV."

I've brought a green canvas backpack full of paperback books, mostly science fiction, as my only baggage for the weekend, except somewhere I've gotten a change of clothes into some semi-formal duds for the wedding.

I've been sleeping, and when I get up (after the wedding?), I notice my honey has taken out of my backpack most of the books and put in some other things for our newlywed life, and I am mildly miffed that she would have been rearranging things without consulting me, but she's so innocent, not at all manipulative about it, that I can't be mad. I just ask what she did with the rest of my stash of paperbacks, and she shows me. They are still around, now in 2-3 stacks.

At some point, we are having the wedding reception, and it, like the wedding, seems a very informal, thrown together at the last minute business, but everyone is being friendly and nice. I am relieved to see my brother Ernie, laid back as usual, and a few other people whom I actually know there.

4/29/08 - Title: "Playing by a New Script - Too Late to Set It Right Now"

I am getting married today to Frances, but it is as though it is a play we are to perform, and I have yet to read through or proof, much less memorize my lines. I know it is very late to do so, but am not yet getting ready. It is as though I had forgotten till now all about getting married or even everything that went before this. I do not know exactly what time we are to wed or where in this big, almost empty old house, or even where my wedding clothes are. I think the typed script, which was only finished a few minutes ago and printed, but which I was glancing at as it came off the printer, may be partly out of order, some pages in the wrong place, and can only hope Fran will notice this and put them right in time. I cannot deal with it further and must attend to something else first and immediately.

Title: "Where the Hell Did He Come From?"

It is night. I'm taking a shit, sitting on the toilet, straining to push out and release some more crap and am in a small, dimly lit bathroom in a huge, mostly empty old house where I think I'm alone, though with a vague impression of perhaps some other adult here as well, when I'm surprised by the rumbling of the bathroom's sliding door, as though someone has pushed on it from the other side. I lean over and see that someone is there, a short person, just standing there looking in, the way a small child might who has just gotten up. I wonder how we'll manage this, since I'm still in the middle of using the toilet myself, but I slide open the door. Sure enough, there is a child there, small and young, maybe 3-4 years old, 5 at most. (He looks like me at that age.) He has on pazamas (pajamas) in some dark color and also has a red hood on that covers his face, neck, and the tops of his shoulders, though there are holes for the eyes and mouth. I feel a chill go through me and am shocked and surprised and somewhat frightened to see him. "Do you need to go?" I ask, but instead of answering or even nodding he turns around and walks away. I realize I'll have to finish what I'm doing and clean myself up before I can attend to the boy and his situation.

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