5/1/08 - Title: "Mayday Symbols"
(No doubt catalyzed by a phone conversation earlier today with Sonya, one of the members of my dream group, I had a dream this afternoon, far too complicated and lengthy to remember fully on waking, of which I retain just what follows. I am afraid even these "memories" are in a sense corrupted by associations I had afterward, while writing them down, but this is the best I can do to recapture them.)
Sonya, a runic lore-yer (a shamanistic one who devotes her or his life, not like a nun or a monk to God, but instead to ancient and medieval lore in all its power, complexity, rigor, discipline, magic, and intellectual stimulation), with writing on parchments made of animal skins, bark, or anything she could find and put to such use, often at night by a single candle's light or in the glow from a small wood fire, has tried to convey as much as she can of her wisdom riches to others who might come after.
Her symbolic, pictorial writing, is, however, unique to her. All the pieces of parchment with authentically her own such writings are characteristically signed by her: "Sonnish." It is left to others who chance to find one of more of her caches of these writings to decipher them and, if willing and able, become in turn to an extent lore-yers themselves.
I find several small collections of "Sonnish," as these writings come to be called and preserved, and try to learn their meanings. It is a slow process, that mostly can be done only when free from the many other tasks of medieval life, but I do begin to catch on, and, from one set of symbol understandings sometimes can catch others, etc.
False traditions of Sonnish have sprung up, and in their name sometimes good but sometimes harm is done. There is one particularly powerful and prevalent Sonnish tradition now popular in this land, and the local kingdom government enforces its use as the only true Sonnish. But my studies show, to my peril, that just this other one that I have discovered is the genuine Sonnish.
A conflict arises in the land, and it is as though only a few stand with me against the conventional Sonnish interpretations. If caught and exposed, our lives would be forfeit.
Yet, surprisingly, things are in balance, and the seemingly more powerful conventional false Sonnish population and forces in a moment could be overwhelmed by true wisdom, just as the weaker followers and students of the true Sonnish might be caught and killed, but we hold the keys to a transformation through the land.
In the midst of this delicately balanced situation, Sonya herself appears, her face intense like Joan of Arc's as depicted in paintings of her, a young visionary leading forces for a time into victorious battle. Sonya has red hair and wears a simple monk-like habit. Her stride is strong, healthy, and authoritative.
She meets me in secret, confirms or corrects some of my understandings of Sonnish, and teaches me more. She says she may not see them but that great changes are coming to the land. Indeed, somehow she initiates some of these, and I see commence a sudden weakening of the conventional Sonnish culture and forces. But she tells me I too will not escape the harsh changes that, like a fire, will flash through everything.
(In another scene) There is a great sea and a colossal struggle in the deeps. I am swimming at or near the surface but leviathans are battling around or below me. At any moment, I may be consumed or otherwise killed in the turmoil.
(In another) A large crowd of people in a fairly narrow passage, in a building basement or a cave, come to me demanding that I confirm loyal allegiance to the conventional Sonnish way. I refuse and say those customs are false, that there is no special way of showing allegiance to true Sonnish. It simply is. Its truth is self-evident. They try to attack or arrest me, but lose their power. They leave without me, and, once outside, see before them a flash of changes sweeping through the fields like a fire.
[The dreams left me feeling at once the wonder of discovering and deciphering the runic "Sonnish" symbols, satisfaction to learn from Sonya herself more of these magical symbols or to tell others about them, and yet a great sense of threat and anxiety, fearing as I do change, death, conflict, confrontation, or leadership.
I'm sure, there is some relationship here too with Fran, who is brilliant, impatient, funny, loyal, at times controlling (for instance when tired or otherwise under stress), organized, very self-confident, even narcissistic, energetic, exceptionally well adapted to the practical side of things, a specialist in the outer realm, and independent.
Realizing these are partly my projections of her, I would say of Sonya that she is brilliant, personable, sensitive, not as practical or tough-minded as might allow her more ease in this world, needing to protect herself, vulnerable to powerful, overbearing personalities, a superb specialist of the inner realm, a great facilitator, at times feeling still not quite good enough, needing to struggle against this in herself, and yet quite nurturing.
Of Christine, who is represented in the dream by the powerful, aggressive forces of conventional Sonnish, I would say she is also brilliant and tremendously insightful, resilient, a survivor, often warm, very supportive, and nurturing, but with some inner demons that she does not so clearly recognize, that can lead her to having at times a bullying, competitive, judgmental manner.
There are clearly issues here over balance or stasis vs. great change, over inner vs. outer focus, fears of deeply suppressed or repressed emotions and of other mysteries of the unconscious, and of needing to deal with aggressive energy that in traditional terms would be considered masculine, yet which here is expressed by my anima or "feminine" aspects.
There are things in the dream my ego likes, such as a sense of being singled out and special or on the true or correct side vs. the wrong, however limited is my basis for such conceit and notwithstanding that I am nowhere near as intuitive or self-confident in dream work, for instance, as Christine is, much less Sonya. But the ego is also feeling quite threatened, with good reason!]
5/2/08 - On 4/30, the DG discussed, along with others, my 4/29/08 dreams, "Playing by a New Script - Too Late to Set It Right Now" and "Where the Hell Did He Come From?" Highlights:
- Themes include a fresh start, with neither the baggage nor a known script (as in Transactional Analysis) that had gone before, dealing with my own (ego's) "shit" before that of my younger energy shadow self, some of the suppressed or repressed emotions from my much younger age self, being adult (Transactional Analysis) when appropriate (i.e. keeping relatively cool while others are losing theirs), and a lot of anger.
- There is new integration with my feminine or anima aspect, in the guise of Fran, who is self-confident, high energy much of the time, and yet impatient when tired or under stress. These are seen as positive traits that likely complement my (ego's) personality. Even impatience can have its place, aiding in moving one along, so he or she does not stay parked in neurotic places.
- There were also remarkable synchronicities demonstrated that evening. For instance, one of the DG members was kind of stuck in his very "not OK" 3-4 year old emotional age self and jealous of my progress in the group and with the dream work, in a sense confused and wondering why I was taking care of my shit when it was he who needed to be on that metaphorical toilet of fecal removal.
- His rather strong feeling-level reactions in a way sabotaged most of the rest of my dream interpretation time, though, in the process, graphically illustrating, as in a psychodrama, the key elements of my second dream. He even got up and left, apparently unable to deal with the intensity of his negative emotions, though others were asking if he had to go, more or less a direct quote out of my dream. Then, as if he had been asking himself the same question, he returned, vented further at my expense, projecting that I had been aggressive and mistreating him, unwilling to hear my efforts to stand up for myself and point out that the things he was saying were certainly not how I saw the matter. (Nor are they how the rest of the DG, who at various times have referred to me as "gentle" or even "sweet," apparently see things.)
- His explosion, from my point of view, if not also his and the rest of the DG's, came out of the blue, as if it were the emotional personification of the title of my second 4/29 dream, "Where the Hell Did He Come From?" In any case, it was clear I could not deal with his "shit" and must stick with my own inner tensions and "crap" instead.
- It later turned out that as a young child he had even called his PJs "pazamas," as I had misspelled pajamas at first in my own dream description.
- The young shadow energy, seen as like me at that age, about 3-4 years old, is covered by a red hood, over his head and the tops of his shoulders. On the one hand, this must represent a lot of unexpressed anger or even rage, from when I was little. On the other, it may be it is a protective hood, securing somewhat my privacy from public view, and maybe even helping to protect me from full awareness of the pain of that period.
- It reminds too of the hood that may be put on racing horses' heads to help them stay focused, not distracted by all sorts of other things that would perhaps avert the attention from the main task at hand, running well the course set before them.
- It also reminds, as in the first dream, of the idea of a play, as if in a way we are just acting our parts here, and we put on different masks at different times or have different scripts, some of which are not even learned well ahead of time.
- My own emotional reactions to the other DG member's unwarranted explosive outbursts were as forecast in the dream: it was spooky, and, besides anger that I had to control lest it make a chaotic situation even worse, I felt shock, surprise, and even fear, as if of losing control in this way with my own rage in response.
- Later, one of the DG leaders, Janet, said I had handled it well, calling on the "adult" self whose presence in the big old house I had vaguely sensed and had noted in the dream description.
- This adult response did not prevent, though, awareness afterward of intense feelings of anger and resentment toward the out of control DG member. He had attacked me for no legitimate reason, taking up most all my dream work time with his tantrum. This was not the first time he had used me as a scapegoat in this fashion, and I am getting tired of dealing with his crap, even though, intellectually, I realize it is better this way than that we go at each other like a couple of attack dogs. In the assessments after the outbursts, it was noted that, from his childhood history, he is too intimidated by women to express anger toward them, but feels free to transfer such pent-up emotion to "safe" men whom he conveniently projects as being "aggressive" toward him.
- I can handle my harsh emotions on my own, perhaps through jogging, more dreams, journal entries, meditation, etc. In fact, maybe he did me a favor by helping me to get those enraged feelings out in the open where I can see and better deal with them.
- One of the DG leaders, Janet, was insightful enough to realize that both the fellow who had exploded and I had had abusive childhood circumstances at around ages 3-4, the wounds of which must still be raw or have been reopened. In my case, the abuse was physical as well as emotional from my father.
- In the Jungian dream analysis tradition, the reference to 3-4 also represents transformation and manifestation in reality of the positive changes that are occurring.
5/5/08 (1:25 AM) - Title: "MOTHER!"
Am watching a young girl (about 18-24 months old) in an old fashioned bonnet and dress (like my mom was wearing in a black and white photo of her I have from that age) playing in shallow water. I realize a bus is coming and that it will make a big splash as it goes by, so I quickly step into a shack or house a few feet away till the splash has occurred and missed me, then go out again. My sister was in no danger from the bus or splash because at the time it passed she was several feet away from the crossing point. Besides she was already wet. I glance over again, though, just to be sure, and there she still is playing in the water as though she had not even noticed the bus passing by.
Suddenly, I hear women's screams. I have only a fraction of a second this time, far too little time to save my sister, to realize she is playing right by the tracks and a super fast express train is coming (the screamers having realized first it almost surely will run my sister down) before it rushes through from the left, so fast it is there and gone almost at the same moment, even as I was seeing the distance (about 15-20 feet) to her and that I could not dash over there in time.
"Oh no!" I hear now from a screamer (also to my left).
But glancing where she'd been, right beside the underwater tracks, I momentarily do not to see my sister and hope somehow she escaped. But then, about 30-40 feet farther on, I see her bonnet and dress where she is floating face down in the water by the track (tracks), obviously dead.
"Mother," I yell, and then I am shouting, running to get her (from somewhere else, like in the house): "MOTHER!"
A chill runs through me and I feel awful (horror) that the little girl has died. (Only then, with great guilt, does it dawn on me that maybe it was my responsibility to look after my sister.)
[I was so alarmed by the little girl's sudden death that I awoke still shaken and even wondered if either my sister or mother (for she looked like both at that age) might have actually just died. In reality, neither had.]
5/15/08 - Title: "Let's You and Me Agree Not to Rock the Boat"
I tell Fran, from across a large room, that naturally I am no longer appealing to younger women. She says soto voco (voce) to Puff "...or to older ones."
"I heard that," I say.
"Oh, did you?" she responds, without regret.
"My hearing is still OK," I say.
She says nothing.
"Since we are not as attractive to each other as before, and you would rather not spend much time with me, maybe we should get a divorce," I say.
"No," she says, unsurprised, as though she had already considered it. "That would be too much trouble. Things are alright the way they are."
[I awake feeling at once relieved and sad.]
5/17/08 - Title: "No Safe, Comfortable Haven from the Deluge"
Vast almost dark areas of flooded fields. Maybe they were farmland, meadows, or even dwelling places before. Caves where I had liked to go to before are now filled with water. No refuge from the flooding.
[Feelings on waking of sadness, isolation, uncertainty, and loneliness.]
5/20/08 - Yesterday, Sonya and I met at her house and discussed my 5/1/08 and 5/5/08 dreams, "Mayday Symbols" and "Mother," respectively. Highlights:
- Taking the latter, "Mother," dream first, of an express train suddenly coming in from the left and killing my sister or mother (for the little girl looked like both at about age two), it is about "express strain," namely the stress and danger of honestly expressing myself in the DG led primarily by Christine and her roommate, David (whom she treats indulgently and manipulatively like a spoiled son), both of whom are into asserting their bullying type dominance and are quite aggressive and territorial, tending to attack others whom they regard as weaker than themselves or as threats to their control of the group, etc.
- Sonya points out that my young anima in this dream, represented by the little girl who is about two years old (and note that I have been in the DG for about 2 years), is in severe danger of being killed or destroyed, or scared into a repressed state, by attacks from Christine or David for my genuine input and expression in the DG.
- Accordingly, I must protect myself. I must not be a passive recipient of aggression but firm in sticking up for myself. Further, I should consider going to the Christine-led group less often, perhaps only once or twice a month instead of three or four times, finding some offhand excuse for going less, and/or simply not showing up, not giving reasons for infrequent attendance, letting the others suspect it was due to their bullying and that I do not consider this acceptable.
- She says it is imperative that I protect this little girl, now that I realize how much she is in danger (there being no accident that I had no remembered dreams for ten days after that dream - my anima was on "life support," uncertain if she would make it).
- Sonya says that girl is my being, and it is vital that I not only protect but also care for or nurture her into a fuller expression.
- Ways to do this include inner exercises to enhance intuition and simply honoring and taking into account her existence and precious being, as a major part of my total Self.
- "Express strain" is also involved in my now several months' long larynx difficulties, which sometimes also include difficulties speaking due to either excess phlegm or larynx dryness and soreness. In view of the implications from the dream, that my anima and being are at risk if I do not properly care for them, I had better now do all I can to assure the throat and larynx problems are resolved as well and speedily as practicable.
- Other aspects of "express strain" to consider include not finding sufficient time, particularly quality contemplative time, for regular entries in my (self-expression) journals. This might be remedied by giving this activity a higher priority or allowing for the blend of awareness exercises and experiments, journal keeping, and all aspects of dream work to have more or less equal credit in my intended daily emphasis on an in-depth exploration of the inner realms.
- Regarding the other dream, "Mayday Symbols," a major theme here is dealing with situations or individuals (or aspects of myself to a lesser extent) who want to dominate others, bullying types whose neuroses or complexes cause them to feel insecure unless they are (or see themselves to be) in control in intimate or other power issue relationships. She says, in her view, this vulnerability to bullying and overly controlling types began as some deep karmic situation in one or more of my prior lives, but understands that I may not share this belief. In my own view, it much more likely is a reaction to early traumas in relationship with my father, an emotionally immature man who tended to act out his insecurities with bullying rages and other tactics at the expense of most or all those in his family.
- Whatever the reasons for it, the result is that I seem to "attract" bullying, compulsively dominance oriented people and to be relatively submissive and accommodating (nice, kind, just, and cooperative) around them. Numerous examples could be given through my life and into my present relationships. These coercive types will use all sorts of methods to manipulate one into staying submissive in a relationship with them, including even being charming, gracious, and flattering at times. Do not be misled. Bullying types really need more than anything a better quality of empathizing with others, but most are fated to remain essentially self-centered in their focus.
- She found it particularly ironic that David had attacked me partly for being an "aggressive man," since, as is common among people who are aggressive themselves, he was acting as if his own tendencies were mine, to "justify" his attack, while in fact being able to assert myself more firmly and otherwise stick up for myself in a simple, direct way is an area that could use more strengthening in my life.
- Another theme is whether or not to become more an apprentice of Sonya's as a "lore-yer," later substituting for her in her DG at times or perhaps eventually, if I find it in keeping with my own holistic needs and desires, leading or co-leading a DG myself.
- This "Mayday Symbols" dream is considered predictive. It speaks of great changes that will be sweeping through the land, whereby the forces of false Sonnish (the bullying types who now dominate the other DG) will lose their power after they have come to attack or arrest me (stop my progress). Indeed, it seems likely there will be major transformations in this other DG. Some of these have already begun. Janet, one of the better DG leaders, is leaving and will be a factor in that DG less and less, so that it will be dominated more instead by Christine unless something else significant occurs.
- From the date (5/1) and title, it seems the dream is a warning dream, for "Mayday" is an international distress call.
- But she is clearly not capable of leading the group well on her own, as demonstrated by the attacks on me and others in the group recently, or by her failing to rein in David who sometimes does her attacking for her. So, in the absence of a more effective DG leader, fewer will want to be involved in a Christine dominated DG.
- And both she and David have attacked Sonya and demonstrate such disrespect for her that it is also not tenable either that she, Sonya, will lead or assist with the other DG leadership, as she had at one time, or that Christine or David will participate to any extent in the Sonya led group.
- Moreover, there have been and no doubt will also be further significant changes within me. These changes, even if uncomfortable, ought to be regarded as like the updraft vortices that lift circling sandhill cranes to higher levels, from which they can then proceed on their way.
- In my marriage, as in Imago Therapy teachings, there are strengths and weaknesses characteristic of each partner, consistent with overall themes in our lives. We can work on these individually or together. If not done as a couple, such work may not have as rich a potential return but is still possible. The overall relationship with Fran probably is a basic constituent of my psychic or inner realm life at this point, a component in virtually all my dreams, even when "she" does not manifestly appear in them. Since this is at times a difficult relationship for both of us, it can mean a series of little shocks or disappointments. While upsetting, these can open windows that may allow a keener view in both outer and inner spheres of being. From this, it may be possible to make greater progress at once with analytical, insightful, intuitive, and emotional ways of dealing with that which is.
- In a relationship between overly dominant vs. overly submissive partners, there is often little recognition of the skewing. The usually dominant one may feel he or she is just acting normally, unaware of abusiveness being manifest. In fact, he or she will typically think that any undermining of the preferred level of dominance exercised means the other person is being too dominant, as with the irony of David accusing me of being an aggressive male, when it is in fact, by but a small measure, a restoring of a needed balance.
- Another substantial theme of the dream has to do with the medieval setting. This may be regarded as like a purgatory or middle realm condition. One may be able to rise above one's "no exit" purgatory, not simply acquiesce to it, but this is hard.
- My Sonya anima is important and to be nurtured or cultivated, but with her hazards or deficits guarded against: intense; red-haired (spiritual but also tending toward self-righteous anger), skilled in inner realm lore; wise; visionary; strong; healthy; authoritative; a leader; at times victorious (yet also with the danger that she will fall into martyrdom); and attired in a simple, monk like habit (a predominantly meditative, inner directed lifestyle).
- A final significant theme noted in the dream is that of the unique "Sonnish" writings or symbol language caches of which I have found and begun to decipher some, discovering that I have a facility for this type endeavor. This refers surely to dream interpretation, at which I am becoming better and am showing some skill noted by Sonya and others.
- The runic symbols (in dreams, meditation, etc.) are magical and like powerful prayers, potentially opening psychic doors into intense, deep levels of being.
- It is vital not only to "get it" intellectually, whatever the lessons of dream work, meditation, or journal keeping, etc. may be, but also at a strong feeling level.
- My ego is very involved in whether or not I do well with dream work, helping to lead dream groups, doing meditation, etc. There is at first a tendency to be "cocky." This is natural and even necessary. But the concept needs to be that the ego, while essential, is like the skin protecting a growing insect or crustacean, and that recurrently it must be shed to give way to a larger (better, healthier, more integrating) one. Or it is like the windshield protecting the driver, but must periodically be cleaned off again, the shedding or cleaning not always a painless process.
- The wisdom riches that my Sonya anima seeks to leave for or teach to those "who might come after" are perhaps for my ego.
5/23/08 - Title: "They'll Soon See If He Has a Pair of Real Ones or Fake"
I have substituted for a parallel pair of real gold (or gold-plated brass or bronz [bronze] bars (like insignia bars or bars of an army captain's rank) false ones that look the same. I am afraid that examination with (will) reveal the substitution (replacement) with (of the) bogus ones. It is (They represent) valor or courage, and I have stolen and hidden them (the original or real ones) to put in these fake ones. People are about to check them out, and the deception may be discovered.
Title: "Did They Bring Eggs or Dead (Spoiled) Meat?"
Several of us are together in a large, simply furnished attic or loft, about to share a take-out or pot luck meal. I am younger (an adult but much younger than in reality). An older couple (reminding my [me] of Uncle Jack and Aunt Hazel) is there and concerned that it is time to eat, but they are not sure they have brought the right thing to share for the meal. They have a basket or box with their lunch contribution, and it is open now. There should be hard boiled eggs or something, that the woman had put in, but the man is afraid some insufficiently cooked meat has been substituted and that it has gone bad (been spoiled), perhaps not refrigerated (kept cool). There is danger of people getting sick from it (who try it).
Title: "Hidden Wetlands Creature Discovered"
An alien or wolf-like animal is concealed in an attic or a loft with us, hidden under a large quilt or colorful Mexican poncho. When some (someone) goes to take out the quilt/poncho to use (as a tablecloth?), she (the monster) is revealed and dashes off. She had come and hidden here from a vast flooded, partially wooded area or wetlands.
Title: "Be Careful! A Cornered Creature Will Attack"
Several of us, men and women, are in an attic or upstairs area (like a large loft, if it were an apartment). We have a wild, wolf-like creature cornered, we think, and are relieved when it hurries through a walk-in closet doorway. We rush to close the door, only to realize there is another open door, at right angles to this one, and the wolf creature is already heading out through it. I dash in alone, hoping to confront the creature, so there will be time to close both doors. The plan is working, for she (?) rears around to attack me before completely getting through the 2nd doorway, but then I'm face to face with the wild wolf-like thing. She growls loudly and lunches (lunges) with her great full of teeth mouth open, ready to viciously attack and injure me.
[Fran related having had a dream this morning, shortly before we both got up, in which she saw a nearby hyena standing on the plain. She had been reading about hyenas lately and remembered that things that gives this species an advantage include that it is fairly intelligent, very social, and can eat almost anything, including quite spoiled or bad meat, without ill effects.]
Title: "Change Is Coming Like Fire Through a Field"
Changes are coming, like from a flash fire sweeping through a field.
[This is a recently repeated dream theme of mine. After I had had it again today, Fran said that, by coincidence, while she had visited earlier this week with a friend who has a house on some acreage west of town, she had related a vivid dream on 5/20 in which there was a shallow, close-to-the-ground fire smoldering in a big dry field of thatch, but it suddenly roared up to very large and high, rapidly spreading then through the field.]
5/24/08 - Title: "What Part of 'NO' Don't You Understand?"
I'm at my mom's house, but she's out. The phone rings, and I answer: "Wagner's residence." It's a salesman for a family history company. He says he just wants to clear up a few more details so he can complete the history of the Wagners, and finish our book, which he's sure we shall all be very pleased with. I tell him we are not interested and to please take us off their call list. He continues with his spiel, saying that they had called before and we were interested, but they just need a little more info. Patiently, I repeat that, regardless (and I'm wondering if they might really have called earlier and Mom might already have been taken in by these jerks), he is to take us off his call list now. But he continues his spiel and wants to discuss the matter instead of just courteously agreeing and ringing off. Now he says they don't call often and this is just the third February they have called, and if he could just have a few moments he could finish what was started on a previous February conversation.
[I don't recall how the conversation ends, but as I'm thinking about the dream, to write it down, a moment later the phone rings in reality. It is a lady who wants my money for a firemen's fund. Later the same day, I get a call from a marketer for Bank of America. A colleague of his from the same company had called me a few days earlier and refused to accept it when I asked to be taken off their call list, wanting to discuss the matter instead, even claiming there was no call list.]
5/25/08 - Title: "Not Your Average House Cat"
A very big female cat (probably a mountain lion, though so big she is the size of an African lion or a full grown tiger) feels affectionate toward me, rather in a possessive way. We have romped and played together in the past. She is used to being free. This is now not OK. A male animal handler is trying to get her into a big kennel-like container a little to our left. I am lying on my stomach on a concrete surface with my head close to her.
She is alert, poised to attack, and with her long body standing partly over me, partly between me and her kennel-like cage and partly between me and the handler. In a second, she could attack me or the handler or drag me into the kennel with her, before the handler could stop her. She now controls the immediate situation. The handler has been out-maneuvered.
"What do you think?" he asks me.
"Be careful, but do what you have to," I say.
I hope the handler knows what he is doing and can tranquilize her before things get worse, but I don't think he can.
[The feeling I have is a mixture of fear over what happens next, not wanting to be in this uncomfortable, threatened position, and yet pleased that she likes me, that we have a special relationship, and even pride for her at what a fine untamed animal she has become.]
5/26/08 - Yesterday, the DG discussed, along with others, my 5/24/08 dream, "What Part of 'NO' Don't You Understand?" Highlights:
- Themes here include a family history of abuse, with ongoing settings or situations or martyr-like aspects in my personality that encourage, foster, or catalyze continued victimization, yet instead learning and practicing saying "no" to this in a more assertive, unemotional, adult, mature, unengaged way.
- Failure to learn and practice a balanced (neither being a victim nor a victimizer), assertive but unengaged style of involvement with others can mean being more depressed and less fulfilled.
- My mom's out at the moment, but will be returning soon, in this dream. So she represents one of my animas. She is independent in how she lives but insecure in how she feels, intelligent, judgmental, tending to be a victim or martyr, generous, extroverted, and outgoing. She is thus a rather flawed anima to have, with consequences for me as she remains a model for my adjustments to life.
- The shadow in this dream is an unwanted caller who is persistent, persuasive, and an instigator, goading me toward an emotional reaction. In a way, he wins either if he overcomes my resistance and sells me stuff or if he successfully pushes my buttons and gets me into an emotional overreaction. He has a positive role to play here, making me deal with the victim issue and hopefully letting me gradually overcome its destructive potency in my life.
- February was the month of my folks' marriage and in which they had their 50th wedding anniversary in 2002. It was also the month of my wife's recent 50th birthday anniversary. It is, in addition, the 2nd month of the year, which may indicate dawning awareness in this system of dream interpretation.
- My father was with his own children and to an extent also with his wife, intrusive, frugal, a good provider, emotionally immature, aggressive, defensive, generally lacking in empathy, egocentric, preoccupied with his own dominance, and an abuser. Yet he was also very caring, loving, and nurturing toward his grandchildren, and he became more mellow as he grew older.
- My wife, Frances, is independent, aggressive, brilliant, somewhat narcissistic, funny, supportive, and seems to feel a need to assure her own dominance in our marriage, even at the cost of its being as a result an unhappy relationship.
- In keeping with the dream's message, if I clear up a few more details of my (ongoing) abusive family history, I shall be very pleased with the finished result.
- Since this is the third February that the salesman has called, there may be transformation occurring.
- My responses in the dream to the salesman were appropriately adult and unengaged, even if I was uncomfortable with the call, and so can serve as models for how to deal generally with interactions I regard as unwanted, intrusive, and abusive.
- I not only need to overcome victim-like responses to others but also the victim-like mental and emotional dwelling on being a martyr.
5/27/08 - Title: "I'll be back."
The top brass, for no good reason I or my friends can see, suddenly no longer wants me working at the big company where I have been for awhile, and they have their security guards force me out anytime I come around. I decide to look for new work (with another employer) at the same huge center (complex). I can take (do) anything (at least just about any non-exertional entry level job) and so think I'll be successful.