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July, 2017
9 14 28I am in a large campus area, on foot, or (earlier) sitting in a big half-amphitheater indoor classroom, then hurrying afterward, even a bit breathlessly jogging at first, to meet with others (or make it to my next class?) in just a few minutes. I am already late but hoping to catch them (or the class) before the other gathering ends. Others, unruly young boys, seem maybe about to interfere in my progress, but they do not. I am remembering and noting to myself the significance that a woman adviser (a person like Tonya, a real friend and grad-assistantship instructor, back when I was in college and later in a couple of my drop-out intervals) has assigned for me 3-4 books for reading and note taking (on blank pages, for this purpose, in the midst of other bound writing pages by a real author, i.e. extra pages for notes in books by a fellow student, a woman like Linda, a superb author whose original writing, still in cursive though it is already bound, I am now carrying. It is assumed I'll take good notes on these works and later share them with Tonya, the class, or us plus the Linda-like woman (a student also in the honors program, a roommate of Tonya's and very smart, whom I knew as an undergraduate at the University of Texas at Austin). I am aware I failed to get another book of hers, also of her writings, and so cannot do a complete assignment, but the Tonya advisor tells me it is OK, that I can add the last book to my note taking project later. I am feeling overwhelmed with so large an assignment, also impressed to be singled out for this large task, and yet jealous too, that it is the peer student's writings which are to receive this kind of attention, whereas I'd much prefer it to have been my own writings that notes would have been taken on and later discussed in such depth. I cannot move quickly, despite jogging, which is one reason I worry I may be late, for even in the dream I am much older (probably near my present actual age of 73), whereas the others in class are young people, and the adviser is younger too, in her late twenties or early thirties (as all of us of course were younger back in my undergrad days). (In those days too, I was intuitive, creative, and had rich, abundant ideas that I could write [and did] or happily share with others in person verbally, in one of many neat gatherings and stimulating discussions we used to have.)
[Of Tonya, I'd say she was (or is, for I have lost contact with her and do not know if she is still alive) extremely smart, an excellent teacher, passionate about her liberal causes, a good facilitator of lively conversations, nurturing, and overly involved in other people's lives, for instance, seeking to help or do things for them even when such assistance had not been sought. Tonya and I both lived for a few months in her house in San Francisco, and were attracted to each other, even had one tipsy, affectionate date, but nothing else came of it. Later I heard that she had decided to "try" being a lesbian, perhaps another of her progressive involvements. She had, for example, for awhile also been in a relationship with a Black American man, back in the early 60s when being white and having affairs with Blacks was not considered acceptable behavior in Dallas, where this occurred.
Of Linda, she was likely brilliant as well, ambivalent about her sexual identity, and indeed had a brief affair with me and later asked me to marry her, which I declined, but she also had sexual relationships with women. At times she seemed driven, partly at least by a great deal of anxiety. She was, though, a highly motivated and successful student, whereas at the time I was so distracted by emotional turmoil over a lapsed intimate relationship with another woman, hatred for my father, intense fears, and deep depressions that I found sustained academic efforts beyond me, and it was only years afterward that I buckled down and became a good student.
Of the dream, I do not have a clear, overall picture of its meaning and so will simply point out a few things that are apparent.
-There is in the model of the two women characters ambivalence about identity. It could be taken as about gender identity, but it is at least as much about the issue of an active vs. passive stance in general.
-They are animas that represent, by example or counter-example, appropriate vs. inappropriate characteristics or attitudes I might acknowledge in myself, cultivate, or avoid, such as, on the plus side, being very smart, demonstrating scholarship, having teaching ability and facilitating skills, liberal, having ambition, and being nurturing as well as good at writing. On the negative, there were intense anxieties, being driven, overly involved in and interfering with others' lives, and tending toward unstable or experimental relationships.
-3-4 or 4-5 (with the last book included) might be about transformation, manifestation in reality, creativity, and waiting.
-Having been two days ago in evaluations, with CT scanning, to determine if I have a life-threatening medical condition, and uncertain at this point what treatments will be required and whether or not I'll be taking a vacation to Seattle in a few weeks, the flights already paid for, and several things still to be done beforehand if so, there is a sense of being overwhelmed.
-The campus or classroom settings, getting an assignment, plus associations to when I was an undergrad, suggest engagement, as through Alanon or life in general, in endeavors of higher learning, insight, growth, and hopefully maturity.
I do a lot of note taking in real life, and it is also partly about jogging, in this case of my memory.
-Unruly, young (Jung?) boys, who might get in my way but do not, may be about shadow parts of myself whom I see as a bit threatening to my ego's misplaced desire for control. They could have wisdom to impart if I paid more attention to them.
-The small-self identity or ego is also perhaps a bit intimidated by and jealous of his more creative, intuitive, unconscious, and emotional anima character side for being the one with greater writing skills. Though creativity and ego control may complement each other, they are not naturally compatible.
-"already late" or "worry I may be late" likely refers to fears a couple days ago that I might have terminal cancer, one explanation for the symptoms I was having and for which I was getting the CT scans.]
7/14/17 - Title: "Grief"
There are 3 or more adults, myself plus at least 2 other men. An older man has died doing something courageous. One of the other men knows a young boy for whom this now deceased gentleman was his beloved grandfather. The boy, his grandfather, and the other man who knew the dead man are Hispanic and speak Spanish. I think this Hispanic man ought to have broken the news to the boy that his grandpa is gone, but he has not, and it seems unlikely he will soon. Though I do not have the right words, I go out to an old car where the boy is sitting alone in the passenger seat, waiting for his grandfather. The other of the two men, not the fellow who knows the boy, goes with me. Though we do not really know how to tell the child in Spanish, somehow our facial expressions, body language, and what little we can communicate tell the boy what he fears to know but needs to. We do our best, the other man from the back seat, leaning over where the boy is in the front passenger seat, and me from the front with the door open, to hold him and convey what has happened, that his grandpa is "muerte" and won't be coming back. The boy, only about 4-5 years old I think, suddenly gets it and begins wailing and sobbing.
[In reality, next Tuesday (7/18) I am to have a procedure to deal with a big kidney stone that is blocking a ureter and will have general anesthesia at that time. I had asked for just sedation, but was told the deeper level of anesthesia is required by the level of pain (if I were at all conscious) and the possibility I might flinch or otherwise move during the operation, which could make things worse. I know that at least subtle levels of brain damage sometimes occur in general anesthesia, which can result in later intellectual, memory, and/or emotional deficits, as probably happened to an extent with my father-in-law. I am nervous about this and subsequent such sessions that likely will be necessary to clear up the kidney stones challenge, for currently they are mostly blocking two tubes, and there are additional stones visible in the kidneys on the CT scans (done last Friday, 7/7) too. The dream seems to be pointing to my concerns as "his panic," with the potential for the death of the old man (me). Little Phil is depicted in the dream as alone in the way forward through life (a by now old car), already grieving at the loss of his beloved and grand father (a good father to the precious inner child), which may be me, who thus would no longer be there to take care of, love, and play with him. There may be some dissociation, for I, as the ego writing this, am not identifying with the old man, though at 73 I would be seen by most people as indeed an old man. Part of me is rational and logical but not attuned so much with my emotions. I think of the Hispanic culture and the Spanish language, though, as having much more direct connection with feelings. The references in the dream to 2, 3, 4, and 5, suggest, respectively, dawning understanding of the issues involved, transformation, manifestation in reality, and creativity or waiting.]
7/28/17 - Title: "Security with a Twist"
There has been a crisis. We are survivors (a few of us in this dream), yet the danger and the horror are not completely over. Inside a little plastic bag, like for sandwiches or produce, I keep a little devil-like woman or creature, a female demon, bound there by a twisty. So far, only I know about her. When I open up the bag, for example if getting a snack (and there are 3-4 little containers like this, most with regular food in them), she taunts me. She means me harm and others as well. I am afraid of what will happen when, before long, I'll need to be away. What if someone, a child perhaps, when I'm away opens up her bag, not even knowing what malevolence she will bring if given just one chance to escape.