October, 2009

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10/1/09 - Title: "We're Goin' to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo!"

I have recently arrived at a big, mostly underground zoo, along with my mom and one of my brothers. (I do not know exactly which brother it is. He seems like a blend, maybe of my [deceased] brother, Ralph, and my brothers, Pete and/or Allen.) The setting is very park-like in one sense, with paths made of concrete or flat rock, old rock walls that have lichen or moss growing on them and leafy vines or other plants growing up on their sides as well, with large old deciduous tress all around, so much so that the area is almost completely in shade, and/or things are overcast, so, in any case, there is no direct sunlight. There are also big expanses of grass, often looking like it has not been cut (mown) for awhile. I'm reminded of a blend of the Houston Zoo, San Antonio Zoo, and one of the zoos in Chicago, with respect to how the setting looks where we are. (The odd thing is, there are no animals in this part, except maybe a few playing or scavenging squirrels.)

The rock or concrete path or walk directly ahead, that goes straight for about 50 feet (though perpendicular to the roughly 4-foot high and two-foot thick rock wall we are next to now, which also has a park bench adjoining it where Mom can sit), then turns at a right-angle to the right for roughly 30-40 feet, before going into a cave-like rock tunnel entrance, that has dirt covering it and lots of grass and other plants growing on its sides and top, as though the tunnel has been there for a very long while, at least years and years.

This (through this tunnel) is the way my brother and I will go next, in order to get to the underground area where the animals are, but Mom is going to stay here, waiting at the park bench for us, or so it seems at first. I am bothered by this, though. (I do not know why she came along at all if all she is going to do is wait several hours at a park bench for us. The only thing my non-dreaming self can figure out about this later is that maybe we are all a lot younger, and she was our ride to the zoo and yet, like today, she is not good with walking and so won't be going through the zoo part itself with us.) It suddenly occurs to me that it is not right and won't do for her to be just left alone to sit there on the park bench for maybe three hours till we finally get back.

I ask where we'll meet her, trying to confirm that what is intended is that we'll meet her right back here, but still thinking that is not right and hoping there is a better place or way, one more interesting and pleasant for her. But then it seems the others expected we would be meeting somewhere else, in a more sunny part of this zoo park. This is bothersome too, for now I'm confused about how we'll find Mom again in so big a place. And Mom seems at this point very old and grandmotherly, more like my paternal grandmother, Grandma Rose, not fit mentally or physically for either being left alone for quite awhile or for going very far and locating some exact place where we'll meet up with her later.

I'm trying to work this out with her and my brother when two male zoological park rangers suddenly show up and say something like: "Don't worry. It's all arranged. We'll be with her and make sure she gets where she needs to go alright to meet you later." (It's actually more like I just understand that's why they are there than that they say that out loud, though.) I'm still wondering how we'll know where that is, to be able to meet her in this sunnier part later, but my brother seems to understand, is OK with the new situation, and is ready for us to go on toward the tunnel entrance to the zoo.

[Mom is generous, nurturing, yet drinks alcohol too much, is too prone to be the martyr, sacrificing herself in order to have things be well for others, and tends toward anxiety and depression attacks.

Grandma Rose was very much that way, like Mom, too, except less generous and more bothered by things not being just so, kind of compulsive about neatness and not liking it when small children were about and felt like playing, especially once she got very old.

Ralph was closest to me of my brothers in age and understanding, though he was a T to my F on the Myers-Briggs T-F scale, and that made a big difference in how we saw things and could or could not relate. In all other ways we were similar. In other words, he was an INTJ and I am an INFJ. We had many things in common, but he was the more ready to just do stuff, even rather impulsively so, while I was the more reflective of the two of us. He was also very smart, very spiritual within the context of a meditation path we shared for several years, and a natural leader.

Pete is my youngest brother, 18 years my junior, and a recovering alcoholic. He has at times tended to relate to me more as if I were his father than a brother, but at other times as if he deeply resented me as older brother. Yet, overall, despite his doing things out of his alcoholic personality that make me cringe, like sleeping with girls still in their early teens, having dozens of jobs or periods of unemployment, pretending an expertise and intelligence he lacks in order, at least for awhile, to get some new high-paying job for which he is not really qualified, using rank language even around small children, and acting the clown a lot, we have gotten along alright, even talking more between us in recent years than he has with our other siblings.

Allen is about 12 years younger than me and has generally been the most passive of my brothers in social situations, sort of the opposite of Pete in that respect, terribly shy and even having distorted views of how to meet and enjoy being with women. He once sort of stalked a woman for close to two years, showing up at places where she was when not invited and though she made it clear she was not interested in him. He kept trying to convince her that they were right for one another. Finally another woman impulsively decided she wanted to marry him, just because she had heard they were both part of the same meditation path (that Ralph & I had been involved in around then too) and they were both single, corresponded with him briefly, and then moved in with him, and they got married shortly afterward, and then she felt he was not right for her and divorced him about as impulsively as she had earlier wanted a union with him. George was alone and depressed for a few years after that till he met a much younger Black Indian Hispanic woman from Ecuador. They "fell in love" online and then met and were married in Ecuador, all in the space of about 6 weeks. I wonder how his wife can be very happy. She does almost nothing with her time but a little childcare (she and Allen had two really cute kids, both school age now, and Allen is the one who does most of their childcare, while his wife buys thousands of dollars worth of stuff online that she then tries to sell at flea markets, but most of which accumulates in various expensive storage places, including one that costs them almost $1000 a month. Fortunately for their finances, Allen is really smart as an engineer and gets paid quite well by a defense contractor, the first job he applied for after finishing electronics school about 28 years ago. He's never been able to save and invest his money and has no idea when or if he'll be able to retire.

I think there is some way in which I am parked, hence the park-like setting in the dream. There is one anima in the dream and there is also one main shadow, with two lesser shadows.

From these and other numbers in the dream, I assume there is dawning awareness, transformation, and manifestation in reality.

I wonder if the place my brother and I are about to go, into a tunnel to get to the zoo, which seemingly is also underground, may indicate I am about to do some big time exploring of previously sub-conscious material. Janet agrees, saying the underground zoo is likely a "place" of animal instincts and that the tunnel we are about to enter suggests a willingness to proceed despite no knowledge of what is in store ahead.

In going over some of the background about the zoos mentioned, it became apparent that I have very mixed feelings about zoos. On the one hand, they call to mind feelings of deep sadness or regret while, on the other, they are happy places, more symbolically indicated by the lighthearted "... Zoo, Zoo, Zoo!" tune with which I titled this dream.

Some of the language of the dream description makes me wonder if I am concerned about Mom being about to die, as if the zoo park rangers are metaphorical for angels who will take her where she needs to go, death here depicted as a vague but sunny place where we'll meet her later.

In any case, I know that, given her current age, 87 this month, and her drinking habits plus having some type of heart condition, Mom may not live much longer.]

10/2/09 - Title: "What Goes Around, Comes Around"

Two male bullies, young and cocky, harass me in a large, sunny, open room which is kind of gym like, with a wooden floor. I try to ignore them at first, but they persist. Catching them off guard, because they do not expect a competent response, I attack them individually. While I do not defeat them, I deliver them some pain, enough that they will leave me alone, most likely, in future.

10/4/09 - Title: "Missed Rendezvous"

Carol and I see each other in a small, upscale community and flirt a little, then continue our separate activities, both confident we shall meet up again and probably go out. There is definitely the expectation we shall be intimate. I do some shopping, then look for Carol. This community is full of tiny, colorful, touristy shops, artistically decorated and blended into the natural surroundings, reminding me of one part of Taos, NM, that way. There are a few other shoppers. Some live here, and some are visitors just enjoying the setting for a day or so. There are also the shop owners or clerks. Most everyone is casual and friendly.

It is very sunny here, with also lots of trees, and the shops are variously in shade or sun as a result. When I have explored several of these quaint, charming shops looking for Carol, I find most empty or with only one or two shoppers. It is lunchtime and some have closed for a few minutes, this being the natural, informal way here, especially when a shop is owned and run by just one person, who closes briefly for meal breaks. Little clocklike signs at the doors then show that the places will open again in a short time.

Then I see Carol in the company of some other man and two or three other women. They are walking together in a friendly way, as though coming back from an outing they have shared. I figure since Carol is with the other man, I'll just leave, and I start to do so without saying a word. We make eye contact briefly, though, and she looks disappointed or upset that I am departing. It makes me wonder what the other man is to her, but I'm not staying to find out.

As we come abreast of each other she whispers angrily to me something like "Bastard!" and I immediately whisper back something like "Bitch!" and continue on my way. I realize our feelings, at least physical attractions, for each other are passionate. Maybe we'll have another chance to get together later.

I need a pen and paper to write something, and maybe need something else, and go looking for them in a shop where I'd recently been, Carol's I think. She's not back there yet and the place is closed, with a little clock sign showing she'll be back in about 10 minutes.

I am able to go in, but then find things are left so I can not easily get out without disturbing the delicate arrangements of doors, latches, and chair and/or lamp, etc. that makes the place look from the outside as though one cannot get in, though without lock and key. I carefully negotiate these things, readjusting them as I leave so all is again as I found it.

There is a sense that in some way there, amid the tiny shops and picturesque mountains or other scenery, I shall find an answer to a key question (I did not even know I was asking).

[Carol is an attractive woman in her 50s or early 60s, I would guess, a member of my dream group. She has had a physical relationship with a younger man who lived with her, but eventually realized he was using her and booted him out. She is quite successful and intelligent, runs an international business, is exceptionally well organized in terms of both time and her life generally, is sensitive, personable, has a sense of humor, but tends to be insecure in relationships, doubting her own worth relative to others and so is still a little vulnerable to others, especially men, who might take advantage, though lately she is much better in this regard, vigilant for such situations before they fully develop. I think, from discussions of movies, etc., that she and I have interests in common. She has at least one child, a daughter, I think, and at least one grandchild. She enjoys photography and doing things with others. She and Sonya often do things together as friends, going to shows, for instance.

I wonder if the dream reflects a bit my entry into the underground zoo of a recent dream and so getting more in touch with animal instincts.

Also, there seems a spiritual dimension in the mountains scenery and Taos location, as I had a meditation/spiritual retreat in mind when I visited Taos for a couple weeks about this time last year. This may be emphasized too in the idea here of a key and finding an answer. Perhaps the question (that the key "unlocks" or answers) is related to my recent quandary about the Alanon Step 2, concerning a relationship with a Power greater than myself.]

10/6/09 - Title: "Twilight"

Frances and I are both at a university but taking separate classes, or I am finished and she is not (unclear). I have been talking with some woman in a bright, spacious part of campus, and then take my leave and depart from our meeting place, as though I am going to walk across campus toward where I had left my car and head home. The walkway is paved, though it is not for cars, and quite broad, like a commons area. There are large building structures to the sides as well as some mature trees. The sun is out. It is late afternoon, so the sun is low to the west. I am walking south. There are shadows, but overall things are still open and bright.

As though I have forgotten something and am heading back (or perhaps it is just a different scene), I am now walking north on the same or a similar broad campus walkway, the sun still (or again) low to the west, when I see Fran up ahead, on a higher area of the walkway, with several steps or stairs in the walkway itself between me and her. Then there is a flat area, maybe 30 feet by 50 feet, where she is talking animatedly or enthusiastically with another woman, a new acquaintance evidently, as I come walking up toward where she is. Beyond where she and the woman are talking, there is yet another set of steps, maybe 5-10 of them to get the people up the rest of the way to a new level where there are more buildings, a number of feet higher than before the two sets of steps had begun. I overhear Fran telling her new friend something like, "No, I'm halfway through my junior year now," as though the other person might have expected she would still have been a sophomore or in her first year. In almost no time at all, I think, Fran will have graduated.

[From the presence of my Fran anima, who is generally upbeat, amusing and easily amused, and full of enthusiasm when doing one of the several things she enjoys, I assume the dream is encouraging me in taking similar attitudes.

The numbers variously in or suggested by the dream suggest dawning awareness, transformation, manifestation in reality, waiting, and creativity.

The sun may be about masculinity in the remains of the day, a waning period, suggesting one's retirement years.

There is clearly here something about a time and place of learning, both for the ego and the Frances anima.

The steps or stairs, one section of them already walked up and the other set yet to go, at least by my Fran anima, suggests having already completed some steps (as in the Alanon 12-Step program) with others yet to be finished. In addition, the stairs (or stares) part of that suggests new or different ways of looking at things. I also note that today I feel much better than recently, as though I have indeed a new and improved outlook. This coincides with a shift more toward doing things as and when I feel so inclined, rather than filling my time with mainly a bunch (or list) of "must do priority" need to accomplish things I have to check off each day till enough are done. That approach contributes to burn-out, whereas the more easygoing or Taoist style is relatively fun and, as well, is one of greater trust, as in one's higher power, that all these essentials will be adequately looked after without my (ego's) having to control activities so rigidly.

Like the steps, an idea contained in the word "graduated" is that things are progressive in a steady way, and also that they are gradual and measured, rather than either impulsive or rushed.

A walk, walking, or going on a walkway all also suggest a path of many steps.

The Fran anima is halfway through her junior or third, and hence transformation, year in this curriculum (and it has been 3 years plus a few months since I began participating in dream group meetings).

One meaning of "broad campus" might be a place of learning about women and hence about my animas.

5 in the I Ching, is, with sincerity, about brilliant success. If there is firmness, there will be good fortune, and it will be advantageous to cross the great stream.

10 may be an "amped up" version of 1 or unity. It is also, in the I Ching, about treading on the tail of a tiger, which does not bite him: success and progress.

30 may be an "amped up" version of 3 or transformation. It is also, in the I Ching, about it being advantageous to be firm and correct, and thus there will be success and a free course (an unobstructed way). The hexagram's attribute is brightness, suggesting the sun as well as intelligence. If the subject is docile as a cow(!) or nurtures his own docility, there will be good fortune.

50 may be an "amped up" version of 5 or creativity and waiting. It is also, in the I Ching, about great progress and success. There is here also the idea of nourishment or nurturing.

The raised, rectangular part of the walkway, where Fran and a new friend are talking, is four- sided, suggesting establishing or maintaining boundaries and the idea of manifestation in reality.

Things here are bright and open, broad, and spacious (3 ways of saying very open or genuine, perhaps). "Bright," so perhaps there is also emphasis on these characters being very intelligent.

Mature trees suggest life, maturity, and growth. The growth theme is also stressed in connection with large buildings.

The "uni" in university suggests an idea of unity, integration, completion, and wholeness. Going to get my car and then "head home" also suggests both endings (going home also being a euphemism for death) and going in the direction of unity, integration and the larger Self.

That there are large building structures indicates acquiring (building) more organization (structure) in my life.

"to the sides" suggests side-issues involved as well.

All of the other noted characters are women (animas), some of whom are animated too, suggesting a time of more animation for me, or that this is at least being modeled for the ego.

The dream is partly about going to a higher level, suggesting an elevated mental plane or spirituality. The clarity of something which is "plain" is also suggested.

Going back, either toward where I had left my car or retracing my "steps," so to speak, and going toward where Fran is seen, and certainly also the word "shadows," suggest the idea of shadow things, that is, things or issues that are behind me, in my past.

Fran talking with a new friend and my earlier talking with a new acquaintance also suggest, for both the ego and my Frances anima, one-on-one interactions, which in turn reminds me of finding and working with an Alanon sponsor.

Overall, there is here an encouragement that there will be good fortune, progress, and great success.

My reflection that relatively soon Frances will have graduated indicates one type of learning may be coming to an end, at least for my anima represented by Fran. That, plus the word "depart," and the setting sun suggest an endings theme. The west is referred to, and it as well has connotations of endings, of the imminence of nightfall, and of death. Death at times for the ego is considered a positive thing, as with getting rid of the old, which often is too contracted or inflexible, and beginning the new.]

10/7/09 - Title: "In Common(s) Dreaming"

It has come down to two dreams or realities and four elements (or parts or aspects) to each. Except one or more of the elements (or parts or aspects) in the two are shared, linked to dreams or realities common to both me and Sonya. Within the dream, I do not distinguish between dream and reality, but part of the time I know there is dreaming. And I know that Sonya is "present," at least via the link between our dreams or realities, though I do not ever see her.

I may be the dreamer and may be the interpreter of Sonya's dream (or reality). Similarly, she may be the dreamer or the interpreter of my dream (or reality).

Our partially linked and shared dreams or realities have four parts each, but I do not recall which they are or which are the ones that are shared. This is what I do remember about mine, which may be reflected in part in Sonya's:

1. There was something about a very large cube (a cube being in volume the measured distance of one side's width or length taken to the 3rd power).

2. There is in the foreground definitely a large dark or black rock (or stone or boulder). It is extending up at least 8-10 feet above ground, but to be stable there like it is it must also continue several feet underground. It is in shape taller than it is wide and "chunky." It reminds me of a chipped into shape ancient American Indian tool, that might be hand held or fastened at a right-angle to a handle, and could be used for digging or a weapon, only of course it is much larger than anything like that.

3. There is also, more in the background, yellow rock or earth, forming a canyon. The yellow earth or rock looks like the canyon in Yellowstone Park and has no visible vegetation, wildlife, or structures on it.

4. And there is a river flowing from a distance through the canyon (and which probably made the canyon by cutting through the dirt or rock). Even though I can see it into the distance, the river is close in the foreground too and so only about 10-20 feet to the right of the boulder.

5. The picture is made complete with a blue sky.

[Since the language of the dream in the first couple sentences above was specific, there cannot be 5 elements, only 4. So, in my dream at least, the "something about a cube" has to go. It is the only part that is vague. Of course, it may be in Sonya's dream though not seen in mine.

Sonya for me is brilliantly intuitive and facilitative, is sensitive, and also caring. Sometimes, in her certainty about her relationship with her own intuitive side, she seems too quick to be sure she is right about an interpretation of a dream or situation, even if her analysis does not resonate for the other person. Perhaps she is off the mark then, or perhaps that person is just not ready to hear the lesson or interpretation as yet. Thus, she occasionally seems firm and definite about something that comes across as a projection.

The references in the dream to yellow suggest caution, an alert, fear, anxiety, cowardice or the intense caldera blast that formed the thick yellow ash deposit which later turned to stone and was cut through by the Yellowstone River to form its canyon in the Nat'l Park of the same name.

The caldera of Yellowstone is its most impressive feature, and it would not exist without that history. Indeed, most of the western U.S. was shaped in part in its current geography or geology by the recurrent blasts of the Yellowstone caldera, which sometimes blotted out the sun for long periods and rained ash down to a great depth over a vast area, all the way down into what is now the southwestern part of our country.

As a dream symbol, the Yellowstone caldera, in turn, may stand in as a super example of nature's wildness, of the latent creative and destructive power of passionate instinctive responses, or of an awesome phenomenon so much greater than any ego as to inspire reverence in the face of such beauty, immensity, and wonder.

This series of dreams may or may not be related to a question I had put to myself briefly before going to sleep: "How shall I know my higher power?" I am aware of too little connection with my higher power due to beginning to go through the Alanon 12-Step program.

Implicit in the question was also the idea that I am not in good communication with my higher power and so need a better way to "hear" or be sensitive to messages from my HP.

Here Sonya is present though I do not see her. It may be the Sonya anima is being offered as a gift (or present) in answer to my difficulty of not being well connected to my higher power.]

Title: "?"

I'm in a dream. So is Sonya. There are at least two others, one a child (a girl?) and one an adult (her mother?). Sonya is saying something like: "That's too general. You've got to be a lot more specific."

[My impression was that Sonya and I were trying to interpret the dreams, both the first one and this one, which was a continuation of or just a different scene of the first one, but that what was remembered by me about them was not enough, so she wanted more detail.]

Title: "Intuitive Highlighting"

Sonya and I are interpreting other peoples' dreams, as though together in dream group. The pending dreams to be interpreted are visible in her and my minds eyes as if they were continents of various shapes on a map or several different shape animals (or simply Rorschach-like blobs) in a large, two-dimensional puzzle board or array, etc. The dream that is next or is most needing our attention is highlighted, its colors on the "map" or "puzzle array"-like board more vivid than the rest, as though lit up compared with the others that were then more drab.

Title: "Awakened by My Higher Power"

Our dog, Puff, is outside the backdoor and wanting to be let into the house. I wake up from taking a nap (on the nearby sofa) hearing her growling out there just by the backdoor sharply and loudly her "GGGGRRRRRR!" to get our attention so we'll go ahead and let her in. (In reality, she was sleeping in the same room with me, even after I had awakened on "hearing" her growling out there.)

[If the dream is more about "God" than "dog" (since in dreams things can be spelled either forward or backward), then it suggests that my spiritual side is trying to wake me up and be let in.

Taking the dream as legitimately from the higher power, rather than sort of just giving me back in dream language what I had asked for in waking life language, there remains the practical question about how I know or hear the higher power. I won't always be dreaming, and even if I am, not much actual information is conveyed by my HP waiting outside the backdoor growling to be let in.

I think Sonya is in some of these dreams because she is more in tune with her HP than anyone else I know.

So, suppose I am answering the HP question with various dream options. On the one hand, my anima represented by Sonya is modeling an example for me to follow of having an intuitive connection with my HP so intimate it is like being able to have conversations with God.

On the other, I simply get apparently spiritual messages through my dreams, such as my dog (which may mean God) growling to be let in through a backdoor to my larger and unified self (my house).

Or there may be middle ground alternatives, such as, with the help of my anima represented by Sonya, intuitively getting somewhat more than I normally do, perhaps for instance enough to "see" which pending dream [mine and/or others'] awaiting interpretation has the next greatest priority.

Or I can look at this series as all scenes of one dream, the first providing the setting, the middle ones various aspects of the problem, and the last one the resolution. In that perspective, maybe the dilemma is that the ego and the Sonya anima do not share more of the dream between them. If they did, I might have as good an intuitive connection with the HP as she does.

At the end, though, I am awakened (or enlightened) and ready to let my HP, represented by Puff, in. Though I do not know what form this would take in real like, if my HP were as accessible as Puff, it definitely would mean a far better HP connection than I have now!]

10/12/09 - Title: "Affair"

I am younger myself, it seems, and in an intimate relationship with a young, passionate, voluptuous woman. The sex is good and intense. The impression is of an impromptu, casual, surprising affair rather than a long-term relationship. We meet or stay in a large, nice apartment.

[The anima is not recognized from waking life. The dream indicates good integration, if only in a short-term relationship, with the feminine side of myself. It is not planned or controlled, but shows spontaneous openness to what life offers. This may have a bearing on the external reality and on the inner realm. The "house" of the larger Self in this case is large and nice, but also has about it the feel of things that are still temporary and estranged (apart).]

10/14/09 - Title: "Thief"

I'm in a sprawling, long and narrow, one-story house of my parents (not like one of their real houses). Dad is there (alive again) as well as Mom and my brother, Ralph (alive again), plus me. (Other siblings are there, but are not individually remembered.)

There is a large property that my folks own with the house, at least 10 acres, maybe much more. It is (also) long and narrow, roughly rectangular, maybe 2-3 acres wide and 5-10 acres long.

There is a stream that runs through the thick vegetation of the length of property, adding to a sense of abundant moisture throughout.

Some sort of disturbance or interruption occurs, and Ralph immediately goes to investigate. Dad is quite curious about it too, but, being older and not getting about as easily, he has stayed in the house.

Once Ralph returns, I overhear him excitedly telling some others (siblings, I think) about some (developers?) folks (male) doing construction at a point about halfway down the length of the property, just outside it now, but with the intention of cutting through our fence. (Evidently they have an easement right, or some such, to do this.)

I see Mom and spill the beans to her, but am talking loudly enough that Dad (in another room - the main living room) can hear too, telling what I had overheard Ralph say he had discovered. (By now Ralph is in the living room with Dad too, but has not yet had a chance to give his dramatic news to him.) I tell her (them): "They are going to put a gate into our property." It is clear that from that location a gate in and a way down to the stream (such as I know is intended) will bisect our place. This is big news indeed.

"What!? A gate?" Dad says, alarmed, quite concerned, a very satisfactory response to "my" news. But then I realize what I have done, how I have destroyed what should have been Ralph's dramatic moment with our folks, particularly with Dad whom he most wants to impress. Any further, more detailed explanations he will give now to Dad or Mom are going to be anticlimactic. I see that I have stolen from Ralph what ought to have been his coup.

I sense that he is very disappointed. I too am upset, ashamed (seeing how unthinkingly, by rushing to give his scoop first, I have robbed Ralph of a moment of victory, social currency he needed and deserved).

[Ralph - Masculine, bright, a natural leader, intuitive, with meditation and spiritual interests, many talents, but too often not getting the respect and appreciation he deserved from our folks.

Mom - A social butterfly, sexually abused at age 13, nurturing, generous, but conditionally loving, playing favorites, proudly independent in some ways, yet also tending toward depression, anger, martyrdom, drinking, putting herself down, low self-confidence, and insecurity.

Dad - A bully, abusive (mostly verbally), insecure, handy, reclusive, very practical, compulsive, clearly the dominant male in his family domain (but more feared than respected), very bright, but in an analytical, logical, rational manner, having hardly a clue of anything intuitive. However, he could in his own way be very loving, with a depth of warm feelings, even if not knowing how to express them.

From some of the numbers in the dream, there must be dawning awareness, transformation, waiting, creativity, an issue about boundaries, manifestation in reality (the rectangular shaped property about to be bisected).

There is as well some issue about one's defenses being violated. Also one about an access (a new gateway and path) to unconscious material, emotions and intuition (the stream).

Ten in the I Ching represents treading on the tail of a tiger which does not bite him, i.e. dealing in what is hazardous, but with an outcome of success and progress.

There appears to be a strong guilt aspect to the dream (enough so that it woke me up and left me feeling badly), all the more so because Ralph and my dad are now dead, so clearly whatever wrongs I did, either accidentally or on purpose, to Ralph in terms of his relations with Dad (or Mom) cannot be undone.

A "large property" suggests the dream is partly concerned with what is proper.

On the positive side, there is a lot of growth and potential growth here (thick vegetation in a wet environment).

All the focus for the ego is on the feelings side, first in terms of what I stole from Ralph by scooping him, telling his big news first, then in terms of his reaction to this and my regret.

But from a more practical view of things, there is another kind of thief in this dream, and the Dad energy sees it right away, the imminent and severe threat to the integrity and value of his place from the shadows (the possible developers and their construction workers). What this symbolic situation means, though, I still do not get.]

10/21/09 - Title: "A 3rd Rail Collision"

I am on an elevated speedway, heading east, a passenger in a sports car of sorts, driven fast, perhaps recklessly, by a younger man.

Then it is as if I am an observer, seeing the vehicle racing to my right (toward the rational, logical side or orientation?) as I am facing north viewing it.

Next it is again as if I am a passenger in the car. (The speedway is similar to Ben White/71, in south Austin, heading east, shortly before the Lamar exit.) As we approach the exit, still at very high speed, I see that it has narrowed and been reconfigured (from the way the Lamar exit there actually looks). Now it seems to have rails at the sides, as though for a train. I did not realize this was a train car or engine. At the last second, I see there is a 3rd rail, an extra one, parallel to the one on the right but positioned (or set) inside the exit space so that, regular car or train, there is no room for the vehicle to safely exit. It will certainly crash, and the position of the 3rd rail will probably also cause the vehicle to be slightly airborn (airborne) and to flip over (probably toward the left, but that's not clear) as it crashes.

[The experience of speeding is at first exhilarating, but then scary as it appears a crash is inevitable.

I do not know the driver in real life. He reminds me somewhat, though, of my nephew, Hank. Hank is reckless at times, very driven by his emotions, which can be quite up or down, typically with positive enthusiasm vs. anger, yet he is now, after many years of instability, relatively at peace as a new and very loving daddy and a husband. He has trouble with authority and tries to make money by short-term stock trading, but is not really successful at it so far.

So, this shadow part of me, who is like Hank, may have such qualities or limitations, and right now he is in the driver's seat.

To rail is to complain.

But a "third rail" means an issue so charged that touching it, or on it, could be devastating, especially as in politics, resulting in "political death" for someone who raises so controversial a matter.

This suggests a powerfully charged issue I may not be fully acknowledging but with significant repercussions for me.

3rd suggests transformation as well.

The words elevated and speed-way or even crash suggest issues having to do with drugs or some other type mood altering supplement or behavior. I do think I rely too much on caffeine teas and on food for improving my mood or mental alertness.

There probably also are ways I am being driven by my unacknowledged emotions, at times in ways that are reckless.

There is too a third rail kind of issue for me just now. Over the past weekend, I learned that my mom had secretly given large loans to several of my relatives, totaling about $110,000, about $125,000 if the accrued interest were included, and there are repayment problems with all these loans, my sister, brothers, and one niece essentially treating them as free money and making little or no effort to pay the interest, much less the principal, back.

My mom is just rolling over and letting the folks get away with this. Indeed, she is enabling their behavior by not even keeping records of some of the loans, when or if repayments are made, etc. This has been an issue for the last several years, but she had claimed she was reformed and no longer making such loans, especially without good records, etc. She has also said, falsely it now appears, that she would not be pouring good money after bad in the case of some who clearly do not want to repay, or cannot.

When the matter had come up before, I had tried to at least monitor her loans, records, etc., but she insisted that I back off and let her be completely independent with her funds, saying she would, however, start keeping the paperwork that was needed.

It is hardly the case that Mom has so much money she can afford to have her offspring rip her off to the tune of $125,000. And it is a potential concern too in the event of her death, lowering her estate by that amount, so each heir's share will be reduced by the delinquent amount (divided by the number heirs), increasing the sense of unequal treatment for those who did not receive the easy money "loans."

Although Mom has paid lip service to treating all her kids equally, in fact she has always played favorites, setting up competitiveness, resentments, etc. One or two are likely to do the honorable thing and try to pay off these loans, even after she may die. But others are clearly intent on just keeping the advantage they now have and never repaying a cent. Still others are facing imminent bankruptcy, due to foolish spending habits for years, and are unlikely in the reasonably near future to be able to repay the large amounts they have received from Mom.

If I address the issue openly, the potential is great for it being so highly charged it would at least temporarily break up the family.]

10/22/09 - Title: "The Ruins of a Life"

Charese and I separately have been walking. Our different paths, however, both take us into and through the grass overgrown site of the ruins of a home.

I am a loner who has an almost morbid interest in the ruined home, but wish I could get Charese to take an interest in it as well.

The ruins are in a now wild area, like out in the woods, except for the open places where the home used to be, its former rooms, overgrown with grass, the walls all but having disappeared. I want to know what happened here and if any former resident(s) of this place survived. Charese at first is very leery both of me and of the ruins.

I find clues in the home ruins to the way things may have been before. I begin to sort of picture it a little, the life someone, or more than one, may have lived here then.

Charese gradually loses some of her fears and comes close enough at times that I can show her in the ruins some of the clues, pointing out what I think they mean about how the resident(s) lived when he or they were here.

I have the impression the father of the former resident may still be nearby and able to give us information about his son's life here.

[Charese is my new Alanon sponsor. She is committed to the Alanon 12-step process, relatively young (in her 30s, I believe), a natural leader, smart, professional (a biologist), has a good sense of humor, is also caring, warm, sensitive, was an atheist and uncomfortable with the concept of a higher power (HP) when she began to attend Alanon meetings, but later has become OK with relating to her HP. She has also expressed shock or having fear at some of the material members of her therapy group have revealed about themselves, their emotions, etc., that totally surprised and alarmed her, that she would never have guessed, and this leads her to wonder what else may be in the minds of others she knows. In my first dream of her, last month, she had become my sponsor (which now is reality) and we had developed a close relationship, so that I felt about her as if she were my daughter or granddaughter.

I think this dream is also about my anima represented by Charese.

The ruins of a home, with various hints that are found, may be about my unconscious, here represented as like a place for a shallow archeological dig, but also, since the site or ruins are of a former house (home), about my larger self.

Some parts of myself are afraid of what may be revealed from looking further into the ruins of my life and/or my unconscious and/or my "forgotten" past. However, I am curious, intent, or determined to pursue the investigation. And it is heartening that the anima comes around later and also that there is a father (not known) shadow who may help provide info on the one (another shadow or a past ego) who lived here before.

There may also be here revealed that I feel my life has been less successful than I have might have wished. For instance, I have had no children or grandchildren and currently have no endeavor that really moves or drives me, that I really love, except perhaps at times with investing or with interpreting dreams.

Grass, I think, has to do with new growth and spirituality. The grass here is dormant, suggesting my spirituality is as well. In my Alanon efforts, it will be important to develop a better link with my higher power than I now have, and thus find a way to have the spiritual side of my life be less dormant.]

10/25/09 - I went to the dream group meeting today. Sonya let me know after I had arrived that I would be in charge of most of the facilitating today, as she would only be assisting if I were having trouble, thus to give me more practice for when she needs to be away. I got stymied with a complicated dream of Janet's. However, in the rest of our time together I did successfully facilitate the interpretations of four other dreams, completing all the pending dreams for those there this time. Both Janet and Sonya were quite positive in their feedback. Cool!

The group discussed, among others, my "A 3rd Rail Collision" dream today. Highlights (besides those already cited earlier):

  • There is a need to deal constructively with my anger or other powerful and/or "negative" emotions when confronted with a destructive, dysfunctional, and possibly abusive situation, like Mom loaning a large amount of money to people and not keeping good records or in any way assuring they pay it back.

  • If not dealt with positively, the powerful emotions, not otherwise expressed, will steal my own energy, power, or strength. Yet, to confront the persons who catalyze such crises directly is counterproductive, playing into a destructive pattern and relationship.

  • The Alanon 12-Step program may be one way to have the greater detachment needed to find the right balance between ignoring inappropriate, abusive behaviors and overreacting to them.

  • There is apparently also a split between the "Boy Scout" doing everything correctly, hardworking, "perfect," conscientious, doing more for others than myself side, in choosing ways to respond, or even in doing generally, and a side more into spontaneity, creativity, fun, humor, play, waiting, being, taking it easy, and enjoyment. (There is, then, one side that is too "driven" vs. another [in this case shadow] side that is too speedy, playful, emotional, and reckless.)

  • This is all tied up with how one uses one's time=money=energy and being controlled by, while addictively doing or spending (time, money, energy) for, others vs. taking care first of one's own essential needs.

  • I am at one point in the dream an observer, so there is a way I am getting perspective or the picture.

  • It is about transformation (3rd) of an anger or complaining (rail) issue into something that could become positive or destructive.

  • Once the vehicle has become like a train on the rails (negative emotions), there is an inevitability to the destructive outcome, yet this can still potentially be changed into the positive.

  • If transformed into the positive, there is tremendous power that can be harnessed to do us good (as in the 3rd rails which power subway trains, but can also electrocute people who step on them).

  • The imminent collision occurs after the vehicle (how one goes through life) races under the control of an immature, overly emotional shadow yet to the right (logical and rational) and therefore in an automatic reactions fashion, ignoring the salutary input of the unconscious, healthier feelings, or intuition.

10/26/09 - Title: "Making a Little Spectacle of Myself"

A large, middle-aged, self-righteous woman (not known) behind me, says: "Well, you're trying to make a little spectacle of yourself, aren't you!?"

I have, just before her comment, made some impish, irreverent joking pun (perhaps making fun of some aspect of the lady's speech, though this is not recalled) for the amusement of a few people behind me. I smugly smile to myself at my own wit. I am squatting next to and facing a grocery store shelf where I am restocking or rearranging a few items like cleansers of some type, on a shelf 2-3 feet up from the floor. The others who were the audience for my humor are standing in the grocery aisle a bit behind me.

[I had a part-time job for Kroger's Grocery (at about Rio Grand and 24th St., Austin) when in my last year of high school and first year of college at the University of Texas. I did receiving and stocking, produce clerk, cash register, and sacking/carry-out duties there and mostly enjoyed it, but my part-time colleagues were largely high school age. I was glad enough to move on when I got a stocking and register job at the University Co-op, across the street from campus and closer to my rented room.

I had a rather good wit, but a sometimes rude sense of humor in those days. I enjoyed folks' laughter at my puns, etc. and occasionally also the bit of shock if what I said mildly offended folks whom I thought were a little too uptight.

This dream is not revealing itself to me well so far. I get that there is a split between the "large frame" (framework or structure) middle-aged woman who is a little too into her self-importance and her narrow views of the world, maybe a rather right-wing Sunday school teacher type, and the cocky, immature, but playful pun-funny self who likes to both amuse others and poke holes in the inflated egos of a few.

And I see that there is dawning awareness vs. transformation (2-3 feet up from the floor).

I think that phrase, "feet up from the floor," also suggests I am not well grounded in some ways right now and/or that I am in the air, i.e. undecided or suspended, in some fashion, maybe about my Alanon sponsorship relationship(s), how to deal (or not deal) with Mom's poor loans behavior, etc.

I expect too there is a double meaning to making a spectacle of myself. For instance, I am not just, as the critical lady suggests, getting attention by being a wise-ass. Maybe I am also learning to see in new ways, such that my larger self and this special seeing are becoming one, or another way of putting it might be that I am more at home with this new way of seeing, whatever it is, perhaps dream related, Alanon related, meditation related, or all of the above. (But maybe I am reading too much into that phrase in the dream or not getting it exactly.)

Or maybe "a little spectacle" could be a microscope or magnifying glass by which I am getting a better perspective or picture as aspects of life are magnified and better in focus.

The restocking or arranging of cleansers suggests my act needs to be cleaned up in some way. No news there!

For some reason, all the interaction in the dream is with aspects of myself who are behind me, as I face the shelf I am working on. So, they are from my past or are shadow parts. The setting is one from my past too, in fact about 48 years ago.

Clearly there is significance to my cleverly using pun humor, amusing some with it and putting others down with it. At that age, it was one way I dealt with aggressive feelings while also having greater popularity than I have had in recent decades.

I suppose the anima, who is there to show right feeling by example or counter-example, must be showing me (positively) getting things into a better or larger framework or structure, but also (negatively) to meanwhile avoid self-righteousness and narrow-mindedness.]

10/29/09 - Title: "?"

A Japanese man (evidently a reporter) is telling me or reminding me that my country lost in a recent contest (or war or major sporting event - cannot remember exactly) and so he is wondering how I am doing. I tell him I am doing alright. I explain that it may be different (than in Japan) for us in our country. We do not individually or personally have as much sense of national shame when our country suffers a loss. He seems to find this hard to believe or understand, as though what I have told him compounds my disgrace and that of my country.

Title: "?"

There is a huge warehouse that is also in some ways a retail outlet - or else there are different scenes, some in the warehouse, some in a retail outlet. Two women approach me here bearing a huge collection of papers with attached paper clips around the edges, multiple pages of these "clipped papers," so many that, besides what they can carry, they have pulled over a small wagon with yet more of them, an immense collection it must have taken them a long time to assemble.

The women seem Oriental, maybe Japanese, and are young adults. One is more western or comfortable being forward or with English than the other, who is more passive and retiring. This forward, English speaking one tells me they have come a long way to sell me their collection. I am dismayed to have to tell them - but do - that I have no use for their collection, that it is not something I can give them any money for or resale (resell). The forward one objects, protesting that she had known I paid someone else for a big collection and had then resold it. (I do not recall what type of collection it was, but she is right.) I am sad to say, and they are even more sad to hear, that the other collection I had bought and sold was different, a very special situation, but that this collection is not one I can use. The women seem devastated when they realize I am sincere, not simply trying to get them to accept a lower price for their immense collection of (to me) worthless papers and clips.

Title: "?"

I carry a loaf of bread into a local food shop, where I had bought it earlier. I want it sliced up. Now it is all one big piece in the shape of a woman's lower abdomen, hips, and tops of "her" thighs. I am afraid, since the food shop is busy, they may charge me for the bread again before I can explain what I want. But a woman who works here, and may be in charge, directs me over to an area where the slicer is. She engages me in conversation in a familiar way, as though very comfortable with me or I have been in here several times before.

Title: "?"

There is in the huge warehouse a small computer-like terminal screen and I am trying to get it to turn on and then to see its picture. It is only about 4-5 inches across. Eventually it does come on (cannot remember what it showed).

Title: "?"

Two oriental men are sitting on the floor close together in the huge warehouse, one behind the other, both facing the same way (sort of oriented to the left). I console them with a pat on their shoulders and massage the neck of one (in front) a little bit. I think the one behind then continues massaging the neck of the one sitting in front.

Title: "?"

The overall manager of this huge warehouse, where I am a frequent volunteer, objects that I have been talking with some of the workers here, as though I think this is merely a place for socializing. (I had just been being friendly.) Instead, he says this is a place where there is work to be done, and if I keep distracting the others who are real workers in this place, I shall have to leave.

[When I went yesterday morning for the first 3 of the 4 skin lesions to be removed, there were in the waiting room close to me an adorable, active, shy, but friendly little girl whom I took to be Japanese American and her oriental mother. I smiled at the little girl and she made eye contact with me a bunch and would show her teeth in a weird way, not exactly a smile, but as though she thought this was what she was supposed to do to smile. Thinking about it now, I wonder if some problem with the little girl's face muscles might be why she was there to see a dermatologist, but at the time I just thought she had not quite learned how to smile, so she would expose her teeth - in a way that for animals would be aggressive - while her eyes did not change, though clearly from her behavior she was being friendly. Anyway, for some reason I had a very warm response to both the girl and her quiet mother, who let the girl rip her newspaper out of her hands and do various other things to vent excess energy but who never made a sound, unlike most western kids of that age. Later, when I was done with the doctor going out to my car, the Japanese American pair were just behind me, finished too, and I opened the door for them, then watched as they went out to their van, etc. It was very close to a feeling of love I had for them, odd since I did not ever even exchange a word with them except at the door when the mother thanked me for opening it for them.

I think there are some sexual aspects to the dream, as in the shape of the bread, which is described as a piece. I think to slice someone's bread may even be innuendo for sex.

The last scene suggests that shadow who is in charge is put out with me to some extent for not taking my work (dream, Alanon, meditation, or all the above plus becoming more integrated and mature?) seriously but treating it all as just a social occasion instead. It is true I got into some of these things more for social outlets or enjoyment than for serious changes in myself.

I do not know what my recent losses or those of my "country" would have been. Maybe it is simply the skin cancers that were removed and leave small wounds that are a little painful now till better healed. Or maybe it is my attempt to get a sponsor, which has turned out to be both disappointingly less than I had hoped or expected and more complicated, so that in some ways I wish I has had the good fortune to ask somebody else, though with that person too there no doubt would have been unexpected developments, for I really did not know what I was getting into, just thinking this is the next step to take, so I'll take it and then get on with this 12-step business, no doubt also figuring on a timeline for transformation much shorter than is realistic.

A huge warehouse, mentioned more than once, may have to do with my persona - what I wear - as well as with my larger self (house), but I do not have a good grasp of this.

The Japanese man in the first scene is a shadow who apparently take losses of face to his "country" more seriously than I as the ego do. (Interestingly, but possibly not relevant, my next cancer surgery will involve a loss of face - removal of a lesion on my forehead.)

I do not know what to make of the two shadows (dawning awareness, of course, but otherwise...?) who are Japanese and sitting one behind the other. I guess the one behind is the shadow of the one in front. They seem almost identical. They seem oriented (positioned) toward the unconscious, feelings, intuition.

There are three (transformation?) animas in these scenes, I think, the one who assists me getting the bread sliced and talks comfortably with me plus the two young adult Japanese or at least oriental women, very eager and conscientious at first. And these three women are variously in charge, passive, shy, protesting, and then very sad, even devastated. So, these must be qualities offered as right feelings (?).

There is that odd bit about a 4-5 (manifestation in reality plus creativity and waiting) inch wide computer screen on which I am trying to get the picture, then do for a little while, but do not remember it.]

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