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September, 2005




9/22/05-I'm a happy girl sarah had said smiling brightly in answer to my question where she was from about half an hour's driving south out of amarillo frances and I passed by happy texas the original home of my first and most crushing of college flings sarah bauman I'm a man she had giggled helping me spell her last name she grew up a farm girl there the land so flat and featureless she said in good weather it was as if you could see a long train coming crossing the horizon and going for half a day by her mid-teens in summers to help her father out she was running a combine along the straight rows morning to night before vietnam was a war or jack kennedy had been shot or either of us had known personal tragedy like me she was starting in the honors program at the university of texas where we met in an advanced math class a subject at which sarah excelled but she wanted the greater challenge to her of literature and so majored in english instead things should not be too easy she said in due time sarah would become a teacher in el paso after which I lost track in romance as well she avoided the obvious path we saw each other nearly every day for years and by coincidence her freshman women's co-op house was my family's early furnished rented place a few blocks from school she'd been assigned my old room I'd joked that she was in my bed before I'd even met her we knew one another as paramours and later came to understand each other like sister and brother I could always make her or she me smile or laugh it would not be enough she had felt no heedless wanton passion for me but sarah cared for craved seductively sought and then for awhile had the loving of a brilliant young poet despite her winsome ways though and devastating her he turned out to prefer boys she nearly dropped out looked terrible for weeks then joined a fanatical christian campus crusade commune and swore off all sex till safely married to the right sanctimonious true believing repressed lay preacher type like the accidental silly sounds our bodies can make as we are smacking together in the throes of totally abandoned ardor life's sometimes funny that way...

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